The Distinguished Gentleman Page #5

nobody talks to my woman like

that! I got your adress, I got a

machete, I got two Rotweilers...

I'm gonna come to your house and

tear your ass up!

(hangs up, laughing)

LORETTA:

Okay, Tommy, what's so damn

important?

HOMER:

Yeah, I got work to do.

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 21.

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They all look at him expectantly. He takes a dramatic

pause, then launches into a "Come to Jesus" speech.

TOMMY:

My friends, I want to tell you

about a town where the streets are

paved with gold. This is a town

where the marks give you money

before you ask. A town where they

take you to dinner after you f***

'em. A town where when they need

money, they just print more. This

is a town where a guy bounced nine

hundred checks and he didn't even

have to skip town!!!

ARMANDO:

Ain't no town like that.

LORETTA:

You mean Vegas?

TOMMY:

No.

(beat)

Washington, D.C. I'm going to run

for Congress.

His big smile meets their blank surprise. Their faces

fall.

LORETTA:

What is this, a joke?

HOMER:

I don't get it.

ARMANDO:

What's the con, Tommy?

TOMMY:

Van Dyke. You remember Willie

Sutton?

VAN DYKE:

Of blessed memory.

TOMMY:

You remember what he said? They

asked him, Why do you rob banks?

And he said, That's where the money

is. I tell you, people -- Washington.

That's where the money is.

(CONTINUED)

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Tommy produces a sheaf of Xeroxes and pamphlets.

TOMMY:

I found this sh*t in the library.

You know how much a congressman

makes? A hundred and thirty a year

-- and that's just base pay for

getting your ass elected. Then

there are these things called PACs,

and these lobbyists, whose whole

point in life is to buy you off.

It's the con of a lifetime -- and

the damn thing is, it's legal!

This is hot, people, we can do this!

ARMANDO:

Who "we," white man?

TOMMY:

You never heard of staff, Armando?

I get in, I get a staff allowance

of five hundred and thirty-seven

grand a year -

Loretta wolf-WHISTLES.

TOMMY:

-- which I will generously share

with you.

LORETTA:

And how exactly were you going to

get your butt to Congress?

HOMER:

Yeah -- why would anyone vote for

you?

TOMMY:

Not for me, Homer. For Jeff

Johnson. Name recognition -- that's

what it's all about. You think

folks know their congressman died?

I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson,

I guarantee they'll vote for me.

Now all's I have to do is get on the

ballot.

LORETTA:

Which is how?

(CONTINUED)

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TOMMY:

Which is where you folks come in.

(picking up a reamof forms)

All's we have to do is collect

five thousand six hundred

twenty five signatures.

ARMANDO:

You shittin' us?

HOMER:

In your dreams, Tommy.

TOMMY:

You people got a better idea?

I do.

VAN DYKE:

29 INT. SILVER FOXES CHAPTER - DAY 29

Senior citizens fold brochures, stuff envelopes, makephone calls. Van Dyke and Tommy enter.

TOMMY:

Okay... gimme the four-one-one onthese Silver Foxes Again. It's a

bunch of old folks who like to

vote?

VAN DYKE:

Don't laugh, they get an enormous

turnout. But the big thing is,

they have their own line on theballot. They already got thesignatures.

Ah.

TOMMY:

VAN DYKE:

The lady we're meeting, HattieRifkin, they call her the condo

queen.

TOMMY:

So all I have to do is snow one

old lady. Don't sound like major

surgery.

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 24.

30 INT. INNER OFFICE - SILVER FOXES - DAY 30

Tommy and Van Dyke are seated opposite HATTIE RIFKIN, ahigh-energy woman, 70s, with a frizz of white curls.

HATTIE:

So, what brings you here? You want

to talk politics... talk!

VAN DYKE:

We were wondering who you were goingto run for Congress this year.

HATTIE:

Oh, the usual sacrifical lamb.

Probably Sylvia Roland. She justlost her husband, she needs to meet

new people. Why?

TOMMY:

Mrs. Rifkin... I want to run.

HATTIE:

Well, I want to run too -- but with

this plastic hip, it's not gonnahappen.

Tommy breaks up. In spite of himself, he's charmed by thesalty old babe.

TOMMY:

What I mean is... I'd like to run

for Congress on the Silver Foxticket. I care about you and yourissues.

HATTIE:

Yeah, that's what my son says. But

does he call? Anyway, what makesyou think a group of alter cockersare gonna support a man who hasn'tclipped his first nose hair yet?

TOMMY:

Because I can win.

HATTIE:

No, no... a Democrat can win. A

Republican can win. A Silver Fox

can only make a symbolic point.

TOMMY:

Mrs. RIfkin, if you give me a ballotline, and if I can get supportfrom...

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 25.

30 CONTINUED:
30

HATTIE:

If... if. Ven die bubbah halla

tsehen qulishkes, het gehaya zadeh.

TOMMY:

Sure, but... besser die viller ein

der kenner.

Hattie cracks up. Tommy leans over and translates forVan Dyke:

TOMMY:

She said, 'If my grandmother had

balls, she'd be my grandfather.'

HATTIE:

(recovering)

Where the Hell did you learn tospeak Yiddish?

TOMMY:

The same place I learned to hustleshtarkers at gin rummy. From Morris

Elfbein... the Gin King of MiamiBeach.

HATTIE:

No kidding... you knew the RudolfValentino of Dade County?

TOMMY:

He taught me a great deal. He

taught me you don't always need thebest cards to win.

HATTIE:

Maybe not in gin, but in politics,

young man, you need money to win,

you need a name to win, you...

TOMMY:

Oh, I have a name.

HATTIE:

What, you're an athlete, a moviestar? I don't get out as much asI used to. You're not on MTV, are

you?

TOMMY:

No ma'am. My name is Johnson. Jeff

Johnson. The Name You Know.

(CONTINUED)

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She ponders for a minute. And then she gets it. A

wicked smile.

HATTIE:

Jeff Johnson. Well, that's a name

even our Alzheimer's Group willremember.

(beat; shakes her head)

Still, for a full-up campaign, we'dneed materials, we'd need ads...

TOMMY:

You leave that to me, Mrs. R.

31 INT. JOHNSON HOME - DAY 31

The widow Johnson is pouring tea for Tommy, now in super-

nerd drag -- wire-rim glasses and tweed sport jacket.

VERA JOHNSON:

I'm not sure I understand, Professor

Franklin -- you wrote your doctoralthesis on my husband?

TOMMY:

He was a great man, Mrs. Johnson.

He did so much for my people.

VERA JOHNSON:

He... did?

TOMMY:

Oh, yes. I'll never forget when hesaid 'Welfare is a drug -- and yougotta kick it cold turkey.' It

was... inspirational.

VERA JOHNSON:

Really... well, I'm sure...

TOMMY:

And I was actually in the audiencewhen he said, 'If you people wouldjust get off your dead asses andlook for work, this country mightbe fit to live in again.' Powerful

stuff.

VERA JOHNSON:

It's very kind of you to say so.

And you're very kind to come allthe way from... where was it?

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 27.

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