The Dog Problem Page #2

Europe or some sh*t... Asia.

I don't know.

Would you push the button, please?

- Let's go.

- Push the button.

- Let's just go.

- Push the button.

I don't know.

I'm so bored, I could kill myself.

I don't know, b*tch.

Yeah, well, holler later.

I'm supposed to look at

this guy's dog right now.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Hey, b*tch!

Hey, Jules.

How you been?

Misery.

My life's impossible.

I bet it is impossible.

What's really good, mama?

Come on.

Nothing is good.

You're lying.

So how'd those pictures turn out?

They are very good.

They're not raunchy, are they?

No, not at all.

You guys want a bevvy?

You want a bevvy?

Uh, what have you... what have you got?

Oh, whatever you want.

Well, do you have any scotch?

I don't know.

Oh.

Hey, are all these dogs your dogs?

That's right, b*tch.

Until they get older, they are.

I take care of them

until they're old enough

they don't need caring and

then I give them away.

- Very noble.

- Thank you.

- Uh, who do you...

who do you give them to? - Whomever.

Well, what if you can't get rid of them?

Everybody wants them

when I'm done, b*tch.

Hey, can you stop calling me b*tch?

- Whoa!

- Yeah.

No, it's just I have a name.

Yeah, but pal... pal...

- She's not... she doesn't mean it...

- No, I know.

- ... like, "Hey, what's up, b*tch?"

- I know.

- Or, "Where's my money, b*tch?"

- I know.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you know...

- What's it like?

- I don't know.

Endearing.

Okay, well, my name is Solo.

Just in case...

Like Han Solo.

Not, not like Han Solo.

Just like Solo.

Where's the dog, Solo?

Uh, he's at home.

- What do you mean?

- Well, we did make an error.

We didn't bring her.

- Him.

- Him.

Why not?

- Well...

- Well, I... I don't know.

I just figured, you know,

I didn't want to bring him out

of the house for no reason.

I figured you'd have some questions.

Is he cute?

Yeah.

I think so. Yeah.

Maybe not cute so much.

Well...

What does he go with?

What?

Colours.

You... you mean what colour is he?

Yeah, sure.

Did you just ask,

"What does he go with"?

I think so.

I'll be in the car.

One second... pal.

Pal.

I don't know, man.

It just doesn't seem right.

You know, life is a delicate negotiation.

Do you understand that?

So...

What do you want to do?

I mean, seriously, what do you want to do?

All right.

Seriously, what do you want to do?

You want...

you want to give this thing a shot or what?

You... or do you want to end

up in some rich lady's house

with a bunch of other spoiled little dogs?

'Cause, you know, I mean,

if that's what you want, I...

I got you, you know.

I mean, you know,

do you want to sh*t the house

or do you want to let me love you?

Do you want to let me

learn how to love you

or do you want to sh*t the house?

Do you want to sh*t the house?

Do you want to nibble on sneakers?

I got the place for you.

You know what I'm saying?

You're a dog.

Yo, fucko!

Shh!

- Shh!

- Open the door!

Oh...

What the f*** is that?

Thanks a lot, a**hole.

Ow! F***!

You know, Benny,

I really don't think it's appropriate,

you showing up at my house in

the middle of the night like this.

Shut the f*** up.

Okay, I just wanted to say it

just to keep my side of the street clean.

Can I ask you a question?

- What?

- Who's that?

That's Frank.

Oh, uh, Frank,

can I help you with anything?

Don't talk to Frank, all right.

Frank doesn't even speak English, okay?

Frank doesn't speak English?

Yeah, Frank...

Who else would I be talking about?

Well, I don't know.

Frank just seems

like a very common American name.

Oh, yeah.

Where's he from?

Ireland.

Frank?

Benny, can you just tell

him not to drink that...

- 'Cause it's my last one...

- Well, what is it?

Well, it's just a Snapple,

but that's not the point.

Get outta here.

When did you get this dog?

A couple days ago.

- And how much did it cost?

- Well, he was on sale.

On sale? What sale?

A f***ing dog sale?

Yeah, I guess so.

Here's the point, jag-off.

Sale or no sale, you're spending money.

My money!

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

No, that's not one way of looking at it.

That's the way it looks.

That's the way it is.

It's not like the colour f***ing blue-green,

where some a**hole sees blue

and the other guy sees green.

In order for things to have

an option of appearance,

they have to have a f***ing

option of appearance!

You know, this is the way it is.

You did this, and that's that.

And why does that dog

keep looking at me funny?

It's a funny-looking dog.

What's her name?

He. It's a he.

Oh, sorry.

Excu-use me.

What's his name?

Uh, he doesn't have a name yet.

He doesn't have a name.

Oh, so I'll name him.

I'd kind of like to be the

one that names the dog.

And I'd kind of like you to get to work

so you can pay me the

f***ing money I lent you.

I'm taking this dog.

Frank, grab the dog.

You're not gonna take the dog.

Don't take the...

- You can't take the dog.

- Yes, I can.

Oh, come on.

What would you do with him?

I'm going to eat him.

What difference does it make?

All right... imagine it like this.

I owe you the money, right?

I don't need to imagine it.

Okay, well, just imagine the rest.

In order for me to pay

you the money I owe you,

I have to get an advance.

And in order for me to get an advance

I have to write something.

And... and you're here and you're...

you're taking dogs and stuff.

And, Benny, I can't do that.

All right?

That... that dog, that little, fragile dog...

that Frank's holding onto

just a little too tightly...

Could you just... ow!

Okay, that's not necessary.

Well, uh,

could you just not squeeze him so tightly?

Maybe... maybe just...

Are you squeezing him?

All right, Frank, give him the dog.

Just give it to him.

Thanks, Frank.

One week you got,

and then I'm gonna come

and I'm gonna take the dog.

I find out you buy any more animals

or see any more f***ing doctors,

I'm gonna break your legs.

Okay, Benny, don't say that.

I hate it when you say that.

I'm gonna break your legs, okay?

One week.

Frank, let's go.

Why didn't you just give him the dog?

I knew you'd say that.

Well, that's 'cause it's

the logical thing to say.

There's a reason people say things.

Granted, stupid people just

shout sh*t for no reason.

Smart people use logic.

Two days ago you were going to

give the dog to what's-her-name.

- What's-her-name?

- Jules.

Look, can we just chalk it up to growth?

Can we just do that?

That's good, right?

Let's just chalk it up to growth.

Life is a delicate negotiation.

What the f*** does that mean?

I've got to keep the dog.

- Why?

- I don't know.

Good.

Keep the dog.

- You really don't understand, do you?

- No, no clue.

Look, I was a very unhappy

person not too long ago.

Hence the 100 or so

thousand on the couch.

Ew!

Are you being shitty?

What?

No.

- No.

- I know how much money I spent.

Was it really that much, though?

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