The Dog Who Saved Christmas Page #7

And we've been together how long now?

You know that whenever

we pull a job I get anxiety.

And anxiety causes me to get A) gas,

or B) hunger.

What would you rather do...

me blow a couple farts

or me eat a sandwich?

What would you rather me do?

Stewey...

no funny business.

No funny business.

No funny business.

I guess hunger is funny business.

Stewey:
You understand me?

Ted:
I told you, I got a plan.

I came prepared.

That's why I brought this muzzle.

Stewey:
I'm not putting that on.

It's for the dog, you numbskull.

It's a muzzle.

How are you gonna put it

on the dog?

Well, that's what this is for.

Mace? This don't work.

If it doesn't, a backup plan...

I got a tranquilizer gun.

Where did you get that from?

In the last house we boosted

there was a rat.

You're a genius.

I'm gonna hit this door right here.

Keep an eye out for this cat lady

and we're off.

Zeus:
I wouldn't do that

if I were you.

- Yeah, take that.

- Oh!

- Oh, who's the tough guy now?

- Ow.

- Stewey:
What was that?

- Zeus:
Boom!

- Oh, goes the dynamite. Take another.

- You idiot.

- What did I do?

- I thought the house was clear.

- Zeus:
And another.

- We saw them leave, didn't we?

- Who's doing that then, the mutt?

- Can't be the mutt alone.

They must have left one of the kids

behind to watch him.

You boys look a little dirty.

Ah, this ought to do the trick.

Here we go.

Let's give you a little flour shower.

- Let's get him.

- Let's get him.

We'll use the basement.

He can't drop stuff on us this way.

Zeus:
Oh, there's more

where that came from.

Enter at your own peril.

Stewey:
I'm just gonna kick in

the basement door.

If there's kids in there, then there's no way

the alarm is turned on.

- (crash)

Stewey:
Argh! I think I broke my ankle.

I told you this was

a bad idea, Ted.

Shh.

What's wrong with you?

Forget the plant.

Come on.

Okay, you go this way.

I'll go this way.

Yell if you hear the boy.

Here's a little gutter ball for you.

Strike!

Ted, where'd you go?

Ted. Ted.

Stewey.

Okay, this is it.

It's now or never.

If I bark loud enough,

that cat broad will call me some backup.

Teddy.

Teddy.

Little boy,

Stewey here.

Don't be scared.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

As a matter of fact,

I got a pork chop in my pocket

with some cookies.

Hey, it's Christmas.

You and me...

we're gonna be buddies

and we're gonna have

a good time.

Zeus:
A good time.

Yeah, let's start by playing

"pin the cuffs on the robbers."

Stewey:
It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna just reach in my pocket...

- Bark, you fool, bark.

...and get you this little treat, okay?

Like I said, Uncle Stewey's here

and I'm gonna make everything fine.

Oh, he got me

with the oldest trick in the book...

the old muzzle

over the noggin.

Gotcha.

Where's the kid?

- He's not around.

- Huh?

Listen, I looked in every crack

in this shack.

There's nothing...

no kid, no nobody.

That's impossible.

Are you sure?

Everywhere... under the beds.

I checked the windows.

They were closed.

I'm telling you, there's nobody here.

Well, if there's no kid,

then who sabotaged us?

Yours truly.

- Ted:
That's ridiculous.

- Zeus:
You're telling me.

Look at this.

What's that?

- "K-9."

- Zeus?

I don't believe it.

We're dealing with a certified K-9.

Stewey:
Wow, a real police dog.

I've seen a whole special

about these guys.

Wait a second, it's him.

This dog is one of the smartest dogs

in the world.

- Give me this stick here.

- Well, he ain't that smart.

Zeus:
Talk is cheap

where I come from, marshmallow man.

- Let me smash him.

- No.

No no, first we get

what we came for,

then you can do

whatever you want to, okay?

I don't like dogs.

(breathing deeply)

Ted, you always make me feel

a lot better.

I'm gonna make you suffer,

then suffer some more,

and then you'll know

what pain is.

Let's get out of here.

- Come on.

- Hold this for me.

That's a nice picture.

Well, that went well.

(snoring)

Mommy, I miss Zeussy.

Yeah, me too.

Can we go get him?

Both:
Please.

It is Christmas Eve.

Yeah, Mom. You always said no one

should be home alone for Christmas Eve.

Yeah, you said that.

Maybe we shouldn't have

left him alone.

He could be destroying the house

as we speak.

So let me go get him.

I'll be back in a couple hours.

- We want to go too.

- Yeah, can we come?

Sure.

Let's do it, all right.

Let's go, let's go.

Hey, what if we run into Santa

on the way?

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.

Santa's reindeer are no match

for the Bannister sleigh.

- That's right. Let's go.

- Cool.

Shh, don't wake up Grandma.

(snoring)

Where did you go?

Well, wait for me.

(horn honks)

Zeus:
What are those guys

doing downstairs?

Oh, I gotta get out of here.

A house this nice, and all they got

is prepackaged bologna?

Unbelievable.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

What did I tell you?

I told you, no funny business.

Listen, Ted, I've been through

a wringer today. Let me just eat in peace.

We've been in this house

too long already.

Do you want to go back to jail?

I'll probably get

better bologna there.

You're better than that, Stewey.

Come on.

They probably got better bologna

in the fridge downstairs.

This is worse than the time

I got dog-napped

by that crazy clown who shot me

out of a cannon twice a week for a month.

Almost got it, almost.

Come on, almost.

Boo-ya!

These guys are loaded.

Why are you eating again?

I told you, don't eat.

- I'm hungry.

- You just ate two seconds ago.

- That was a long time ago.

- (siren whoops)

Cops cops.

That was subtle.

(police radio chatter)

Shh.

Who's out there?

- The cops.

- What do they want?

They want to wish you

Merry Christmas.

- Really?

- No.

They're patrolling the neighborhood.

What do you think?

Shh. You breathe so loud.

- Policeman:
Hello.

- (farts)

- Police. Anybody here?

- Stop it.

When I'm nervous, I pass gas.

It's anxiety, you know.

- Yeah, well, cork it up.

- (farts)

(sniffs)

Ugh, you smell that, man?

(farting)

I think they can hear that.

What is that?

Oh, it's burning.

- It burns. Yours burn?

- No, mine doesn't burn.

I'm out of here.

No no no.

Stop. Forget the sandwich.

- My sandwich.

- Forget the sandwich. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

Let's get out of here.

God.

We're going to jail for sure.

I knew we shouldn't have done this.

We shouldn't have broke the rule.

Break the rules?

It's all your escapade.

Remember, in the car?

"We do one more heist...

we can pay off Tony Roe."

That was you, remember?

I didn't say that.

You said that.

You're lying skunk. You also said you were

gonna get the money and the nose job.

You said that.

I don't need a nose job.

Whatever.

Some plumbers.

They probably broke a gas pipe.

That's what it was.

(police radio chatter)

Oh, we just caught a break.

All right, let's get our gear,

all the loot,

and let's get out of here.

- Got it?

- Got it.

Stop playing with the statues.

I'm in the mood

to go to the track.

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