The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie! Page #2

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Those are bad words.

Ooh, if they ain't beeping,

maybe they ain't blurring nothing.

Quick, fool, whip it out!

-What?

-Show me your cock.

l thought you'd never ask.

(UNZlPS PANTS)

Whee!

Oh, Wooldoor,

you've been holding out on me!

Whoa! l've actually never

seen my penis unblurred before.

lt's way blacker than l thought it would be.

You know what this means? l was right!

There is a mystery to be solved.

And l's gonna solve it.

Thanks, Wooldoor.

So, little fella, let's go get you a burger.

Whee!

All right, ante up.

Deuces and one-eyed jacks are wild.

Wait, Spanky!

We can't start guys' night without Hero.

Well, if l had some mystery hottie,

l wouldn't be hanging around

with you schmendricks, either.

Our special guy time is

far more important to Hero

than being with some cheap floozy

who probably doesn't even

secretly eat his toenail clippings,

so at least a little part of

Hero can always be inside him.

Never fear! Captain Hero is here!

To play poker with the guys.

Oh! l knew you'd come!

(FLlES BUZZlNG)

Uh, Hero? ls that a dead girl?

Oh, hey, everybody, this is Molly.

She's my girlfriend.

Molly, is it ok if l call you my girlfriend?

l know l probably

should have asked you first.

How did we meet, you ask?

Well, it's a tale as old as time.

Molly was being held against her will

by the evil legion of immediate

family mourners of doom!

(GASPS)

Back, you putrid, perverse purveyors of evil!

(ALL CRYlNG)

Captain Hero is here!

What? No, ma'am.

You don't need to repay me.

My reward is your safety.

A hand job, you say?

Well, l guess l do deserve one.

You're different from the others, aren't you?

Huzzah!

Ok, busted. We met on J-Date.

(SLURPlNG)

Hero, l can't believe you're doing this to me.

You're turning our guys' night

into a guys' nightmare!

How dare you! How dare all of you!

lf you can't deal with me being happy,

then you're not really my friends!

Come on, Molly, let's get out of here!

(CRYlNG)

(CRACK)

And so the Foxxy set off to solve the mystery

of why the f*** we wasn't censored no more.

And to prove to these

a**holes that l was a

serious

mystery solver.

And then, l made the most shocking

discovery of all that explained everything.

(GASPS)

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oh, Lordy!

Guys, l solved a mystery.

The only mystery you've ever solved

is the mystery of the empty uterus.

(LAUGHTER)

lf that's true, then how did l found out that

the Drawn Together had been canceled?

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-

c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-

c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-

c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-canceled?

-That's ridiculous!

-Girl, you crazy.

-Poppycock!

-Oh, really?

Then why can l say,

"You can all f*** my titties

"with your sh*t-covered c*cks,

you come-guzzling faggots!"

without being beeped?

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Yeah! How the f*** is...

Whoa! l just said, "f***!"

F***! Oh, well, l'll be darned.

Dick-gobbling, blood-soaked,

ass-eating turd taster!

Whoo-hoo! This is fun!

Guys, we are not canceled.

This is Foxxy we're dealing with, remember?

The worst mystery solver of all time.

Every time she tries to solve a mystery,

someone ends up dead!

F*** you, Clara.

Don't talk to me like that, Jemima-head.

l am a princess.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you a princess,

then why you got this chair in your face?

Ta-dow!

(ALL YELLlNG)

We can't be canceled. We just can't.

Can we?

(YELLlNG CONTlNUES)

(GROANlNG)

(GROANlNG CONTlNUES)

Searching...

(GROANlNG)

(MOANlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

Tomorrow, l need you to run downtown

and pick up a new pair of horn sharpeners.

Yes, dear.

Hey, after that, Jew Dad,

can we play a little catch?

Of course, Jew Son. Gosh, l love you.

l don't know what l'd do

if anything would happen to you.

Oh, how emotionally invested l am

in you staying safe and remaining alive.

As would anyone watching us right now.

(CELL PHONE RlNGS)

-Oh, no.

-Don't you dare answer that.

-lt's shabbat.

-But it's work!

lt must be important

if the boss is calling today.

l don't care if it's Moses himself.

Do not answer that.

Uh, l'll be right back.

(HUMMlNG)

Dude, l'm not turning

your lights on for you again.

No, my cell phone.

Just hit the green button so l can answer it.

l don't see why you

don't just answer it yourself.

lt's forbidden!

God's going to know you asked me to do it.

-No, he won't.

-Of course he will.

Well, then he'll appreciate my

cleverness in getting around his laws.

Now hit send before it goes to voicemail!

Fine. l'll do it.

But first, you need to say you accept

Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

What? Are you insane?

Look, l'm not the one

trying to fool the Almighty here.

Now say you accept Jesus Christ,

and l'll answer your phone.

(GROANlNG) Oh, fine!

l accept Jesus Christ as my

lord and savior. Happy now?

Yep. Now you can answer

your own damn phone.

You're a f***ing dick, Eddie!

(GROANlNG)

Hey, boss.

You lied to me, Jew Producer.

What? Uh, no, l would never...

You told me after l canceled

Drawn Together, you erased them!

But l did! l swear!

Then how come the network

just got a call from one Foxxy Love

asking why no one told

them they were canceled?

Busted.

By keeping them alive,

you've put us all in great jeopardy.

-Let me explain...

-Too late for that!

l am sending a friend of mine

to pay them a little visit.

A friend?

Yes! The lntelligent Smart,

Robot Animation Eraser Lady!

Otherwise known as l.S.R.A.E.L. !

She will erase them all, forever!

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(CHUCKLES)

Please, enjoy the rest of your Sabbath.

Oh, no. This is bad.

l need you to start my car, Eddie.

The network keeps transferring me around.

Nobody want to tell me nothing.

l can't believe we've been canceled.

l thought our ratings were pretty good.

No! No! Without the distraction

of the cameras,

l'll have nothing to keep me

from hearing the voices in my head!

Cut their throats and drink

the children's blood, Wooldoor.

Their youth will be your youth.

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oh, Molly, hold me!

(CRYlNG) Cup the balls.

-l'd cup.

-(HERO MOANS)

lf only he'd ask.

Oh, who the hell took our goddamn timeslot?

The Suck My Taint Show?

Let me info this.

...and taint sucking,

starring the loveable,

poignant Suck My Taint Girl.

We got canceled for that?

Uh, attention, houseguests.

Tonight's competition is...

Get in my f***ing trunk, or l will shoot you!

Yeah, we know we've been canceled.

Shut up, fatty. Now, everyone in my truck.

We're running out of time!

The Jew Producer's right! Toot is fat.

Yeah, he's got a point. l am fat.

Well, l ain't going nowhere until you tell us

why in the hell we was canceled.

Come on, guys.

Have you ever even seen your show?

lt's filthy, it's racist, and it has

a shocking lack of Dave Chappelle.

Yeah, he's got a point. l am fat.

Now get in my truck!

l'm trying to save you idiots!

Ah, save us from what?

(CRASH)

From that! lntelligent Smart

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