The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox Page #2

How about a stroll down Memory Lane

to make up the difference in the ticket?

Bluebird, you just got yourself

some first-class transportation.

You wait here.

I'll go get my assistant.

Whoa! Ho!

Mr. Wetherly...

I am Josiah Widdicombe

of Salt Lake City.

This is Mr. Gladstone,

my assistant.

- How do you do?

- Howdy.

I trust all arrangements have been

made that were requested.

- Oh, yes, sir. Indeed they have.

- Good.

We will proceed

to the Golden Gate Hotel...

and my wives and children

will attend the interviews...

promptly at 9:
00

tomorrow morning.

Very good, sir. And we'll take full care

of baggage and transportation.

Thank you, Mr. Wetherly.

[CHILDREN TITTERING]

Who booked that freak show?

That's the famous Mormon,

Josiah Widdicombe, and his family.

You mean, he's married to that

sewing club? All those kids his?

Part of his religion.

He has very strong beliefs.

Must have a pretty strong back too.

He come out here to hire hisself

a governess for the children.

Figures San Francisco is the best place

to find ladies of dignity and breeding.

[SIGHS]

Them wives of his look like they been eatin'

real good and gettin' lots of sleep too.

Well, they get one day on

and six days off, so to speak.

If you know what I mean.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, how about our little

stroll down Memory Lane?

Change of travel plans, rabbit.

My next stroll may be

all the way to Salt Lake City.

Me, oh, my.

One day on and six days off.

[INHALES]

Makes your mouth water.

Look what the cold

and blustery wind blew in.

Oh,yeah. There's a definite

change in the weather.

Good night, girls.

It's past your bedtime.

- Oh, Charlie!

- Good night?

Go quietly. Two's company,

four's an orgy.

And she looks like she can

handle the case all by herself.

Here's five dollars.

Go buy yourself an education.

- Geez!

- Go on. Go on.

Well, look who's back.

Her Highness.

Not for long, pig-face.

You make one move

on my trick this show...

and you're gonna be singing

"Hail, Brittania" on your backside...

because your head's gonna be

shoved up your ass.

And what's tragic is, no one's

gonna know the difference.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Welcome home.

See you changed your

mind, eh, Bluebird?

I liked what I saw.

Well, what the hell.

It's a democracy.

- You made a very sensible decision.

- Thank you.

- Staying in town long?

- Not long.

Me and my horse

are headed for Australia.

Gotta kill a couple days

before the boat leaves.

That's long enough.

- What'd you say your name was?

- Malloy. Charlie Malloy.

Sometimes known

as the Dirtwater Fox.

Dirtwater Fox.

What an interesting name.

Where'd you say

you were staying?

Just across the street.

Barbary Point Hotel.

Really? I've often wondered

what those rooms looked like.

Well, why not come over

for a little nightcap?

Do they allow ladies in?

I think I can arrange it.

It's an outrageous idea.

But I suppose just once.

[LAUGHING, SHOUTING]

Sam!

Evening Mr. Malloy.

Howdy, Bluebird.

Folks get friendly around here

mighty fast.

Yeah.

[MALLOY]

It's all one big social club.

Just make yourself at home.

Ohh! I will.

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well! It's just grand.

Just gracious living.

It certainly is, Mr. Dirtwater.

It's just awfully gracious.

And it looks so expensive.

It is. Best room in the house.

Cost me nearly four dollars a night.

Well, it certainly looks it.

Always like things to be in good taste.

Lots of class. That's my style.

Yes, I can see that.

[KNOCKING]

Champagne and "ca-napes,"

Mr. Malloy.

- Just put it there.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Malloy. Yes, sir.

See what I mean? Class.

Bluebird,

take a seat anywhere.

- You know somethin', Bluebird?

- [BLOWS]

- Easy.

- Y-Yes, sir.

You know somethin',

Bluebird?

You're a very

juicy-looking little lady.

Know somethin', Dirtwater?

You're a mighty

appealing-looking fella.

- You mean it?

- Cross my heart.

- Really mean it?

- Hope to die.

[COUGHING]

What do you think

is my most attractive feature?

Mmm--

[COUGHS]

Whew.

That's a tough decision.

Take your time.

Um--

Some ladies like one thing,

some another.

It's all there.

- Your jaw.

- [CORK POPS]

My jaw? Not my hair?

Your jaw. It's strong.

Funny.

Most ladies like my hair.

They like to

run their fingers through it.

It's your jaw.

I remember once in St. Louis

this lady got her hand caught in there.

Wouldn't take it out

for a day and a half.

[LAUGHING]

You about through?

Uh, y-yes, sir, Mr. Malloy.

Yes, sir. That'll be $56.

- Fifty-six dollars.

- Fifty-six dollars.

Fifty-six dollars?

That's an awful lot of money!

Not for this stuff.

This isn't domestic champagne.

It comes all the way from Oregon.

Only the labels are made here.

- Do you need any money?

- I can handle it, Bluebird.

- Fifty-six dollars?

- Fifty-six dollars.

- Here's 57. Keep the change.

- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Do you mind if I

ask you a question first?

- [COUGHS]

- What is it?

Do you mind

if I put that cigar down?

- Help yourself.

- Thank you.

Now, what was your question?

Just sit down.

Would you, please?

Bluebird, there are

personal questions...

and there are

very personal questions.

Now, this is a very,

very personal question.

Well, what in the world is it?

Quite simply, it's this:

Haven't those two little prisoners

done enough time?

Let's give the little devils

their freedom.

They're already pretty free.

They gotta breathe,

though, don't they?

- Uh, I have a better idea.

- You do?

Yes. Why don't we have a little toast

to each little devil first?

Why not?

Of course why not.

You should have anything you want.

After all...

you are the customer.

- The what?

- Customer.

- The customer?

- Well, a girl does have

to take care of her--

You've got some sense of humor.

You are actually asking

Charlie Malloy to pay for it?

Well, a girl does have to

keep body and soul together.

Bluebird, I've never paid

for anybody's body...

and I sure as hell ain't puttin' up

a red cent for their soul.

All right, Malloy.

You never paid for it,

and I never gave it away.

With me, anybody who wants a little

"mmmph," he's gotta put up for it.

- So it's a Mexican standoff.

- Right.

- No hard feelings?

- Didn't waste nothin' but time.

Help yourself

to a sandwich and go.

- I'm not hungry.

- Suit yourself.

Could you freshen up kinda fast?

It's gettin' late. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Everything okay in there,

Bluebird?

Uh, I'm fine, thank you.

Tempus "foo-git."

Shop out there's about to close.

All the choice cuts are being

snapped up. You know what I mean?

Bluebird?

Bluebird?

Bluebird?

What's the matter?

It's no use. I can't go.

Why not?

[SIGHS]

You were right all along.

It's not your jaw.

It's your hair.

I know I--

I sound like a silly schoolgirl.

But, um, do you think I could just...

put my fingers in it just once?

Noblesse oblige.

- That's French for "help yourself."

- I know.

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