The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox Page #3

Don't you think we could have

just one more little drink?

Like I said, noblesse oblige.

Why don't we finish this stuff

and get on with the evening?

Ma certainmente,

mon cherie.

Which is French for, uh--

- Whatever.

- Whatever. Okay.

[EXHALES]

Ooh, Dirtwater.

It's just so kind of you

to let me do this.

The old noblesse.

But you've got kindness

written all over your face.

Kindness...

generosity--

And charm. Boyish charm.

Got a lot of little boy in me.

That's what does it to them.

[INHALES]

Well, it's certainly doin' it to me.

Yeah. Got a lot of little boy in me.

Most women just wanna put their

arms around me and mother me.

And I bet before they know it,

they got a lot of little boy in them.

That's right, Bluebird.

Had to beat 'em off with clubs.

Everything

from Ethiopian princesses...

to Chinese galley maids.

Outwitted the men...

and charmed the pants off the ladies.

Say, that's a mighty talented

little instrument you got there.

Feels like a warm snake.

I'm so glad you like it.

Don't stop. Keep it up.

If I start screaming,

close in for the kill.

[SNORING]

Honk-honk!

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWING]

Hey, you gotta do

some exercisin', honey.

[COUGHING]

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

Bluebird?

Bluebird.

[GROANS]

Ahh--

[COUGHS]

Oh!

Bluebird?

Bluebird!

[SHOUTING] Bluebird, where is it?

What'd you do with it?

Where is it?

What'd you do with it?

Yes?

[REFINED BRITISH ACCENT]

Excuse me, my good man.

The Josiah Widdicombe party.

Rooms 236, 237 and 238.

Thank you kindly.

[AMERICAN ACCENT]

And put a hold on 239.

[CHATTERING QUIETLY]

May I help you?

Good day, sir.

I'm here for the position of governess

to the family of Josiah Widdicombe.

- Ah. Your name?

- I beg your pardon!

Didn't your receive my wire

that I'd be arriving at 1 0:30?

No, no.

There was no wire.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

a very full schedule, and I really--

My good man, do you know

to whom you're speaking to?

The name is Swansbury,

as in Duchess of.

Duchess?

Duchess.

I have a copy of the wire.

[GASPS] Oh, dear.

The family crest.

We wear it right over our heart.

Forgive me, Duchess.

- Won't you come in?

- Thank you.

Do you have any strong

religious beliefs, Duchess?

Oh, yes, sir!

I have found the secret to life

is purity of the body...

and having a good soul

and all like that.

And how do you feel

about children?

- Oh, I adore children!

- And teaching?

I believe we should only

teach what is proper.

The Bible tells us that he who doeth

what is good and doeth what is holy...

is gonna doeth all right.

Where is that in the Bible?

- Under the Doeths.

- Oh, I see.

Have you any special subjects

you like to teach?

Well... I have several specialties.

But I'm not sure I should

teach them all to the kids.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But, um, I like-- I like singing.

Would you care to teach

the children one of your favorites?

Now?

Just to see how it goes.

They do love music.

Well, uh...

there's a little nursery ditty my grandmama,

the Marchioness of Pillsbury...

used to sing to me in my crib.

You see, children, in this story...

the royal gardener

was very proud of his fruit trees.

But he was

particularly anxious...

that no harm would come

to his plums.

So, even when the little princes and

princesses would often come to visit...

he would say--

D-- Does anyone here play the piano?

Would you mind? Thank you.

Uh, C-sharp, I think.

So, the gardener would often say...

[MOANS QUIETLY]

Very good, my dear.

Very good indeed.

Now perhaps you'll step

into the next room with me...

that we might discuss...

financial arrangements.

You certainly have

a way with children, Duchess.

They do inspire me so, sir.

- May I?

- Oh, please.

- May I?

- Please.

Yes, you certainly do have

a way with children, Duchess.

Uh, now, as to the matter

of salary--

Oh, anything you say

will be all right...

as long as I have an hour off a day

to read the good book...

say my prayers and do my nails.

Well, I think...

that can be arranged.

Good.

Where's the Bluebird's room?

- What you got in mind, sweetie?

- The Bluebird! The Bluebird!

Right over there.

Forty thousand dollars'

worth of plums.

Jesus!

Ah! Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Duchess.

I do hope you don't mind taking a separate

stage. The others went on ahead.

Quite all right, thank you.

Your baggage will be on this one,

and we'll be on the next.

I'm to accompany you.

Um, does it go straight through

to Salt Lake?

Oh, no. There's one stop

in Virginia City.

Quite all right. I have

my reading to occupy my time.

Oh, dear.

Oh! Uh--

An... Indian prayer shawl.

A parting gift

from a loyal Sherpa...

when the duke and I were stationed at

Kilimanjaro, at the base of Lake Geneva.

Fascinating, Duchess. Fascinating.

Yeah. Yeah, fascinatin', Duchess.

Fascinatin'.

- Morning, Mr. Malloy.

- Hiya.

Oops.

- Comin' through!

- Get out of the way!

Get the hell out of the way!

Get out of the way!

- Check all the rooms!

- He's in one of' em!

He's registered!

Gotta be in there somewhere!

- Break down the door!

- [BANGING ON DOOR]

- [BANGING CONTINUES]

- Come on! Break down the door!

- [GRUNTS]

- [SNORTS]

You dumb son of a b*tch.

I told you once, I told you

a thousand times, under the window!

[GUNSHOTS]

Hyah! Hyah!

Come on! Giddap!

Hyah!

Hey!

Hey! Wait a minute!

Hey! Hey, wait up!

Hold it! Wait up!

Better watch yourselves

down there.

There might be trouble. There's

been a lot of holdups here lately.

Hey! Wait a minute!

Oh, sh*t.

I beg your pardon, Duchess.

Did you say something?

Yes, actually, I said "Oosh."

- "Oosh"?

- Yes, oosh.

It's an old hunting phrase we use...

when an outsider

is intruding upon the hunt.

[GLADSTONE] I don't believe

I've ever heard that line.

Oh, yes. Oosh.

We usually say it when the intruder

is gaining on the fox.

Stop the stagecoach!

And we seem to have an intruder gaining

on this little pack this very moment.

We'd best not take any chances

with this piece of oosh.

Oh, uh, don't do that, ma'am, no.

Mormons never kill.

That's why there's so many

of the little buggers.

Yes!

Hey, wait a minute!

My life's in danger!

Let me aboard!

Wait up!

Stop the stagecoach!

- Hey! I wanna get aboard!

- I can't stop!

- Where you headed for?

- Virginia City!

- How do I get on?

- I don't know, mister!

The company says I can't stop

between one station and another.

Don't your horses ever take a pee?

Only in flight!

What about you?

You stay downwind of

me, you'll find out!

I'll pay you double!

You can put the money

in your own pocket!

Against company rules,

and I'm a company man!

[GROANS, YELLS]

[LAUGHING]

I don't like this!

Can you slow down a little?

- Please?

- Hyah!

[GRUNTS]

Just how far is it to Virginia City?

[DRIVER CONTINUES LAUGHING]

What in the hell

are you doin' up there?

[GROANING]

- Aaah!

- Hold it right there!

From here to Virginia City'll

be six dollars!

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