The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox Page #4

How about five dollars

and a two-dollar cigar?

Sounds good!

Hyah! Get in there!

Hyah! Giddap! Hyah!

Afternoon, folks.

- [SNEEZES]

- Gesundheit!

[COUGHING]

Nice day for a journey.

You folks aimin'

to stop at Virginia City...

or is your destination farther on?

[COUGHS] Stranger,

you happen to be addressing...

the Duchess of Sw-- Swansbury...

and I don't see that her destination

or mine is any of your concern.

Hyah! Giddap! Get on!

[CONTINUES COUGHING]

Are you sure you and I

haven't met just recently, Duchess?

Certainly not.

- We never met?

- Never.

- Didn't come to my room last night?

- Absolutely not!

Would you mind sticking your tongue

in my ear just once, to make sure?

- Sir!

- Stranger, you're looking for trouble.

I never have to look for trouble.

It's always right there, real handy,

when I get up in the morning.

- [CONTINUES COUGHING]

- Are you disturbed, Duchess?

No, I'll be quite all right,

thank you.

If I could just sit here quietly

and read my good book.

Quietly!

[DRIVER]

Hyah! Hyah! Giddap!

I'll take those, sir.

These happen to be

the Duchess's family crests.

And the Duchess has the nicest pair

of crests I've seen in some time.

Thank you awfully, sir.

Terribly decent of you.

Oh, comme ci, comme a.

That's French. Does

the Duchess speak French?

Oh,just a little. You know,

petite, patat, patoo.

That oughta do it.

What about you, sir? French?

Not a word.

Too bad. We could've had

a nice mnage trois.

[CHUCKLES] Now,

comment allez-vous, Mon "Duchessa"?

Peut-tre a little

conversation entre nous, a va?

Oh, bonjour tristesse, monsieur.

Bon. Votre Highness,

o est la moola...

you "el snatchoed"

from moi hotel room...

- last notte, s'il vous plat?

- Pardon?

O est hast du ungemachen mit mein Geld

geflohen, meine feine Bluebird?

- Geld geflohen?

- Oui, mucho Geld geflohen.

- Ah, Geld geflohen!

- S, oui and jawohl.

Well, el gelt geflohen

was absoluto necesario...

to "purchaso"

uno "fino dressesario."

Alle gesehen?

Alles Geld por uno

lousy "dressesesario"?

S. El uno '"dressesesario'"

was uno grosso bargain.

El "bullshitoreenio,"

mademoiselle.

And molto importante

to "impressaroonio"...

molto importante Mormon.

Mucho loaded Mormon.

Questo Mormon?

El "schmucko" here?

No, no, no, no,

nein el "schmucko" here.

Mein Mormon ist numero uno...

eine grosse tycoon-type Mormon.

Ah, tycoon-type "Mormonoreenio."

S. S. "Tycoonaroonio."

With mucho "gelto"?

Absoluto. Herr hat gehaben Salt Lake City

in his back pocket gemachen.

Ah, trs interesante.

Aber qui es el "schmucko" here?

El "schmucko" is eine "flunky."

- Eine "flunky"?

- S.

Eine major-ass "Kleine-kisser"

to numero uno.

Mmm. Mmm.

Und hast du "ausgethinken"

of cutting me in on el propositione?

Peut-tre 50-50 gemachen?

"Certainemente."

Providisio you keep votre mouth

absoluto buttoned up, "geschmervitz."

Sempre fidelis?

Oh, sempre, sempre.

"Incidentareenio," have you given

numero uno el-- [TOOTS]

Not yet. Ich habe six ahead of me.

But no "problemento."

Ich habe gesehen them.

- "Uglareenios."

- Ah, trs interesante.

Trs interesante.

Yes, sir, my friend, the Duchess assures me

with her very versatile tongue...

it's going to be a pleasant journey--

short, sweet and richly rewarding.

How nice.

Heave! Come on!

Throw off!.

What the hell?

Hyah! Giddyap! Hyah!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Giddyap in there! Hyah!

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS] There must be something

wrong with this driver.

Nah, he's just taking a short cut.

He's a company man.

It's a little bumpy,

but we're making good time.

Yes, we'll certainly

beat our schedule. Excuse me.

Au revoir. El "schmucko"

is getting the hell outta here.

Nervous person, wasn't he?

Jesus!

[SCREAMS]

Wow. What are we

gonna do now?

Why don't you light up

another one of your goddamn cigars.

I know just the place

I'd like to shove it.

Good-bye, Duchess.

Hello, Bluebird.

I gotta get to Salt Lake City.

That's for sure. We got your million

dollar trick waiting for us there.

And remember, it's 50-50.

He ain't no trick. I'm

gonna marry the guy.

What?

- You heard me. Marry.

- You crazy?

If he's a big man in the church,

he ain't marryin' no hooker.

- Why not?

- Because it's a giant no-no.

And if the deal includes getting you

married to a Mormon, count me out!

- Don't worry. I'll get him.

- Don't worry. You'll get him.

You haven't got a snowball's chance

in hell of getting that Mormon.

Look, if I say I'll get him, I'll get him.

I can get anybody I want.

Lotsa luck. Now just tell me where

my money is, and I'll get out of here.

Told ya it's gone.

I had to spend it on this lousy dress.

- All of it?

- Yeah, all of it.

On one crappy dress?

Well, I had to look like

a bluenosed duchess, didn't I?

Anyway, what are you makin'

such a big thing? It was only $65.

There was $40,000 in that bag!

What the hell

are you talkin' about?

There was $40,000 hidden

in the bottom of the bag.

- In the bottom?

- In the bottom.

- In the bottom?

- Of the bag. Now where is it?

Well, it's still there

in the lousy bottom.

Of the bag.

[MALLOY]

Oh, will you look at that!

[WHISTLING]

Blackjack!

- [MUTTERING]

- What the hell-- What are you doing?

I'm lookin' for the bag

with the bottom.

Well, it's not there, pea brain.

It's on its way to Salt Lake City.

- Salt Lake City.

- [BLACKJACK NEIGHS]

- Get on the horse.

- Get-- Get your hands off me!

Hey, wait a minute, you idiot.

You can't get that bag without me.

- I gotta sign for it.

- Come on. Get on the horse.

- Get on the horse!

- Get your hands off me!

And let's get one thing straight.

Regardless of what you think,

last night that girl in Lord Jim's--

That's over. That part

of my life is through.

When I get to Salt Lake City,

I'm gonna live like a lady.

Like my mother and my grandmother before

me, like any other normal married woman.

- What does that mean?

- One day on and six days off.

Would you get on the horse.

- Well, wait a--

- [NEIGHS]

Here it is-- Virginia City.

My kind of town.

What constitutes

your kind of town?

Anyplace I can get rid of you.

I'll buy that.

Whoa.

Just drop me off in

the nicest hotel in town.

I'm sure Mr. Widdicombe

will be staying there.

You're staying right where

you are, next to me, sweetie...

cheek to jowl,

till I get my $40,000 back...

unless you want me to tell Mr. Widdicombe he

just hired the first Mormon hooker in history.

- Oh, piss off.

- Thank you, Duchess.

- [SNORING]

- Hey, psst.

Hey, Rumpelstiltskin. Everybody up.

Busy hands are happy hands.

- I'd like that bag over there.

- What bag is that?

That's the black bag on top of

the brown bag, and I need it in a hurry.

And a ticket to Salt Lake City,

along with Mr. Widdicombe.

- Mr. Widdicombe left two hours ago.

- But those are his bags.

Those leave in the morning,

and the baggage room is closed.

You don't understand, friend.

We want the bag now.

- The baggage room is closed.

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