The DUFF Page #4

If anybody ever sees this,

I'll rip your nut sack off.

I'll rip it right off.

- Okay.

- Rip it.

Super aggressive.

Look, if this is gonna work,

you gotta lighten up,

and you're gonna have to trust me.

All right.

- It's go time.

- Okay.

Here we go. Yeah.

Rub the belly.

Oh, yeah. You got moves.

No.

Okay, dancing makes it worse.

No, no, still worse.

- Is that good?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you twerking?

What's that?

Oh, my God.

This is just getting weird now.

Look out. Okay.

It's a little weird now.

- Yeah.

- Okay, I think... I think we're good.

We're... No? You're...

Actually, I've been meaning

to talk to you, Toby.

I'm really, really into you.

Don't tell me. Tell Toby.

Toby Tucker.

I didn't know you were here.

I have feelings for you.

Look at me, Toby.

Don't look at me. Look at me.

Put your arm around me.

Toby...

You're a little excited,

aren't you? Toby...

Toby, that is

unbelievably inappropriate.

But it doesn't feel bad.

- Okay.

- I need to talk to you, Toby.

Oh, God, I want you so bad. Toby...

I'm gonna change.

We should... We should go.

What the sh*t?

You're messing with the wrong girl.

Looks like the lessons are off

to a real great start there, coachy.

- Oh, did you have fun in here?

- No.

No?

You sure about that?

Oh, God, please, make it...

- Make it go away. It's very bad.

- No.

Step three, okay? Smile more.

You're really cute

when you're having fun.

So we are off to a great start,

smart-ass.

Try it on.

You know, I'm really tired.

I think we should just take a break.

Okay.

All right, what are you really looking

to get out of your boy, Tony?

- Toby.

- Tuba? You wanna blow his horn?

Put your hand on his instrument? Little:

Was that a little laugh?

There was a little laugh there.

- You laughed. You did laugh.

- I had a small stroke.

Yeah, like a midget jerking it.

You get it? Because he's small?

That was...

Okay, fine.

Talking to Toby scares you, right?

The only way to get over it

is to face it right here, right now.

See Sweater Guy over there?

I want you to walk over

and get his phone number.

- No.

- Be totally gangster about it, okay?

Just say, "I could tell from across

the room we might be into each other.

Now that I'm here, I know it.

Your move."

- Have you met me?

- Okay.

I couldn't get through

three words of that.

All right, walk over and say,

"Hey there."

- "Hey there"?

- Hop up.

Get up.

All right, deep breath.

Shoulders back.

Lick your lips a little bit.

Don't worry about the lips.

Go, strut your stuff.

Like a peacock.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Is that a wiener in your mouth

or are you just happy to see me?

No, it's a bratwurst.

Oh, yeah. No.

But is there a place to get

a hotdog here in this mall or...?

Yeah.

Oh, hey.

Right?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Bye-bye.

Did you want to go out with me, though?

Out where?

To dates?

To a date? On a date? To a date?

No.

No. Okay.

Oh, you're good.

You're good.

Where are the cameras?

- Oh, of course.

- It's a YouTube video, right?

- It's a joke.

- It's a YouTube video?

Who would wanna go out

with this guy, right?

- Oh, man, you're so good.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Totally believable.

Great. Thank you.

- How many hits did this get?

- Lot of hits.

I'm taking a lot of hits today.

All right, see you later.

- Cool.

- Okay.

- Where can I find it online?

- Yep, bye.

Man, so many unanswered questions.

Really good.

Thank you so much for that, teach.

That was an awesome lesson.

I'm humiliated.

Okay, look, it was

just the tryouts, all right?

We're sizing up your

strengths and weaknesses.

- And?

- And...

You're horrible. I hope you like cats.

Kidding.

Next mission is to talk to 15 guys.

Yeah, 15 guys,

without completely falling apart, okay?

Step five:
take a few hits.

Nope. Okay.

I can do this.

How hard could it be? Just do it.

Excuse me, I...

can't do this.

Hey, I see you have a reusable bag.

You're not listening.

Hey, is this seat taken?

Oh, you're busy.

I'll come back a little later.

We have to stop meeting like this.

You're always going up.

Best part about it is it's glass.

Sure, it's cumbersome to carry around,

but I don't wanna have breast cancer

because I'm drinking out of plastic

water bottles my whole life.

It's not really worth it, you know.

Like, in Japan, the...

You have to go? Okay.

Long day, huh?

Too long.

- Just get off work?

- Kind of.

- Do you work here too?

- Oh, I'm at the yogurt place.

I'm a toppings consultant.

Oh, my God.

I didn't even know they had those.

I've actually been making a lot of poor

choices with my toppings lately.

Oh, have you?

Well, I got a card I can give you.

- I'm Allen.

- Hey, Bianca.

- Nice to meet you, Bianca.

- Nice to meet you.

All right, so,

what's the number-one mistake

that people make

when it comes to toppings?

Good question.

- Granola.

- Granola?

- You wanna know why?

- Yeah.

Wes, I did it.

I just got that guy's number.

- Attagirl.

- I know.

Think I deserve a little treat.

I'm telling you, I'd really lost hope

around guy 17, you know.

Then came guy 21. Couldn't shut him up.

- Easy.

- Real chatty Cathy.

Easy. All right, don't get cocky.

Today was only day one.

Still, it felt pretty good, so...

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

All right, well, you held up

your end of the bargain,

so I guess I will hold up mine.

Here are my chemistry notes, okay?

Live by this, and you

shall pass the midterm.

Yeah.

Enthalpy, entropy.

Pauli exclusion principle?

- I was...

- Wesley?

- Can we run?

- She's coming over.

Oh, my God. What a coincidence it is

- seeing you here.

- Hey.

So, you two, huh?

We're not... We're not here together.

We just bumped into each other here.

Yeah. No, obviously, I don't...

I wouldn't wanna be...

I couldn't possibly care less.

Caitlyn, can you make sure

you get a shot

- of them together, please?

- Yep.

That's what sucking at life looks like.

I'm gonna...

- I'm gonna get started.

- I have to...

I am late for an event.

- Yeah.

- So I'm gonna...

Mine is this way, though.

What are you doing?

You caught me.

I'm uploading pictures to my profile.

Just hang on a sec.

They're still loading.

Sorry, your profile for what?

A dating site. I signed up

for all of them.

Match, eHarmony, ChristianMingle, JDate.

JDate? You're not Jewish.

I know. That just makes me

more exotic on the site.

Note to self.

Okay, here we go. Here's my profile pic.

- Tell me what you think. Be brutal.

- Okay.

Oh, you're gonna use the book picture?

Oh, is it too formal?

Well, it is a little...

Well, it's either that or all the

duck-head poses people do on here.

Oh, no, no.

Dear God, it's "duck face,"

and stop that forever.

All right. I'm just trying to get more

of these thingies, these flirties.

This is a tough conversation for me.

Let's focus on the picture. Here we go.

Oh, look, arm-fold head-tilt.

That's a classic.

I think we can find something better.

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