The DUFF Page #5

Let's see.

Oh, yeah, what about this one?

This is a good one.

That was Florida.

Seems like a long time ago.

- Yeah, you look so relaxed and happy.

- Yeah, well, I was.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

This girl's gonna

have the flirties rolling in.

Well, we'll see.

This is all so new for me.

Well, it seems like we're both

trying new things, then.

What I'm talking about is a good,

old-fashioned crush on a boy.

- Yeah, his name is Toby.

- Toby.

Yeah, I was kind of having trouble

getting him to notice me,

so I've brought on a sensei.

Wesley Rush.

Wesley Rush?

- From next door?

- Okay.

Honey, why don't you just go

to Jess and Casey?

You always trust their advice.

I just thought I'd branch out.

Okay.

Actually, I mean,

what had happened was, I was at...

Was this sensei thing your idea?

- Yeah, but I...

- Good.

That means you're being mentally

tough and making decisions.

That's what half of my last book

was about.

When you become proactive,

your problems become subtractive,

and then good things

are bound to happen.

Wow, okay.

Little of the old proactive, subtractive.

Got it. I'll remember that

if you remember no more duck face.

- No duck head.

- Duck face.

Oh, I got a flirty.

Mazel tov, Dottie.

Do you know what you're wearing

for homecoming yet?

Because I can't find anything.

Do you think short, long?

What do you think?

Despite missing my ex-best friends,

my mom was right.

I could sense that good things

were about to happen.

Come on.

- It's been two weeks. This is crazy.

- I know.

Toby Tucker,

I've loved you for a long time.

- Mr. Tucker.

- Wes.

Oh, my God. Big, fat ass.

Big, fat ass.

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

At least it only has six views.

Oh, Toby, don't stop.

Don't stop.

I wanna be your wife.

How do we look together?

How do we look together?

- The most beautiful couple?

- My God.

Is that Bianca Piper?

Yep. Oh, my God, that is so horrible.

I would hate it if that was me

and people saw this.

- I should totally forward this.

- Me too.

- Viral?

- Viral.

Oh, Toby.

Did you read the comments on that video?

Yeah. It says, "That mannequin

just made out with a five."

Oh, my God, he called her a five.

"Bianca Piper's ass

means the terrorists have won."

I feel bad for Toby.

"Flash mob hump session

on Toby at 3:
30"?

- He's gotta be so embarrassed.

- His senior year is going to suck.

They do not clean those mirrors.

- Oh, that is awful.

- Whatever.

Listen, she's the one

that ended things with us, Jess.

- I love your eyes, they're so...

- Just make that go away.

- Toby...

- Casey, shut the site down now.

Okay, fine.

Oh, my...

You know Bianca well. Do you think

she'd put this up to get attention?

Not likely.

Don't we just look so cute together?

Problem solved.

Solved my ass.

This school, this entire school,

is filled with cyber bullies.

Do you know what that means?

That means retaliation videos.

Comments, likes, tweets, memes,

and whatever the hell else they do

to each other nowadays.

It's like a prison yard out there.

Look, don't you think you're

overreacting just a little bit?

Have you not seen Dateline?

Catfish? Pretty Little Liars?

- What?

- Nothing.

Look, having had experience

in this area,

I think we gotta deal with this

in a way that's private and sensitive.

Yes, yes, we do not negotiate

with terrorists.

That is the opposite

of what I just said.

Attention, students.

The halls of our prestigious institution

have been compromised

by the stench of cyber bullying.

It is the stench of ones and zeroes,

and electronic hardware probably

manufactured somewhere in China.

But these "YOLO terrorists"

will not be tolerated.

Malloy High will now be put

under Internet martial law.

- That's right.

- Each student will be required

to turn in their phones to teachers

and retrieve at the end of the day

until we have gotten

to the bottom of this.

No more phone.

Oh, can you hear me now, jerks?

There will be no Vine,

no Flickr, no Tumblr,

no Tinder, no Facebook, no Hulu,

- Just say no Internet, we get it.

- No Grindr,

no WhatsApp, no Instagram,

no Pinterest, no wiki anything.

That is all.

Fight on, Blue Devils.

Oh, and remember, it gets better.

- What?

- You heard him.

Drop them in the box.

You can pick them up

after school, maybe.

God, I've waited a long time for this.

All of them, Robert.

All of them.

Thank you.

What's that buzzing I hear?

Dick.

That's gross.

Oh, I don't think he meant me too.

Hit "send," drop.

When I went to high school in the '90s,

we didn't have emoticons.

We had actual facial expressions.

Look into it.

What's up, narc?

Not only was I the school's

most famous DUFF,

I was now the least-liked person in it.

- Thanks for destroying my life.

- I just thought of something funny,

and now nobody's gonna know.

Hope you're happy.

These are useless.

It could not have gotten worse.

Oh, wait.

Of course, it could.

Yeah, Matt and I,

last cup, boom, hit it.

You happy now?

Is this one of your lessons?

Hey, dummy humper, I found you

a new boyfriend in health class.

This is Toby too.

What do you think?

Oh, Toby.

Oh, just give it to me, Toby.

Oh, just a little pinch right there.

Just... Oh, he's dirty.

Oh, he's going to town on me, Toby.

- Oh, Toby.

- Are you gonna do anything?

You're my special little Toby.

I can take you home with me.

B*obs look good. New bra?

Thanks a lot.

Oh, peaches and pears.

- Can I have peaches and pears?

- Okay.

Hey, Bianca, it's Wesley.

Hey, look, I just...

I wanted to say that...

Can I come in?

I deserved that.

Here.

I promise, I didn't

send the video, okay?

I overheard Madison bragging about it

to her friends.

I mean, the angles weren't even

from where I was sitting.

Why is your hand messed up?

Well, you're not the only one

running around punching people today.

No one else sees that video.

Tell everyone.

I don't know that many people.

Well, make some more friends

and tell them.

What?

Thanks.

I've never had anybody

go on a punching spree for me before.

Well, don't get used to it.

Now there's rumors going around

I'm on 'roids.

- Aren't you?

- Well, irregardless...

- Not a word.

- Well, irregardless of that...

- A little peace offering.

- Oh, my God.

Wes, the dress?

You didn't have to do this.

I never should've called you

the DUFF, okay?

That was stupid.

- We good?

- We're good.

Thank you.

You know what's not good

is I saw Toby today.

He could barely look at me.

I think I'm just gonna, like,

write him a really long letter

just apologizing profusely

and, you know, maybe send him

an Edible Arrangement.

Stop, stop. Edible Arrangement?

Look, you don't have to apologize

for anything, okay?

- Step six...

- Let's let the steps go.

Step six:
just own it. Grow some balls.

Tell him you know the video sucks,

but you're into him, and to deal with it.

And if he's still weird, he's a jackass.

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