The DUFF Page #6

Sometimes it's that simple.

Now, I'm off to study Hess's law

and how it relates

to enthalpic chemical change.

Who are you

and what have you done with Wes?

Or maybe I'll just Google

celeb nip slips.

Curtains open.

- There he is.

- See you tomorrow.

See you.

- Here are your phones, kids.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

- Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Everyone, get your phones.

Thank you.

Hey, you're welcome.

Hey there.

Hey, Bianca.

Got a second to talk to a fan?

Yeah, sure, what's up?

I'm assuming you've seen the video.

- Yeah.

- It's true.

I am into you.

And so I thought

I should just be straightforward

and tell you to your face.

I'm flattered.

And impressed.

Not a lot of people would have

the balls to say all that.

Well, that's my whole thing.

- Big old balls.

- Right.

I think this is the first time

that you and I have ever really talked.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah, it is.

- All right, well...

- Okay.

- Well, yeah.

- So...

- I'll see you around.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Thanks.

- See you.

- Bye.

Bye. We said it at the same time.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

Oh, sh*t.

We should hang out sometime.

Yeah, I'd like that.

- How's this Friday?

- This Friday...

is gonna be fine for me. It's good.

Cool. Meet at my house?

- Seven o'clock?

- Yes, 7 is good.

- All right.

- See you.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye.

- Wes.

- Hey.

- What the hell?

- You embarrassed?

- Now you know how it feels.

- Whoa, who let her in?

- Wes?

- Whoa, Bianca, what the hell is this?

Kind of looks like a penis,

only smaller.

Wes?

Wow, boys' locker room. Nice.

I need to talk to you about something.

- So...

- What?

- You have a question?

- Yeah. Don't do that.

Question? You do.

- Stop.

- You don't.

Come on, please. It's important.

- What do you want?

- Let's go.

Okay.

- So you asked him out?

- Yeah.

- That's awesome.

- Yeah.

What's the problem?

If you must know, I've never been

on an actual date before.

Okay, okay. Sit down, sit down.

We got this. Come here. All right.

Step seven:
the date.

Okay, we need a plan.

You think a football team runs

on the field without a strategy?

- Exactly, no. Of course, they don't.

- No, of course, they don't.

You want this date to end with you

making out, you need to think ahead.

So give me the vibe of the restaurant

you're going for.

Okay, I'm thinking something

kind of trendy,

you know, kind of hipster, maybe unique?

Done. Dave & Buster's.

- The place with the metal claw game?

- You bet your ass.

Okay, you, Toby. Let's get started.

Worst scenario is if you get seated at

a table right across from each other.

Okay, no one's making out if they're

3 feet apart. Simple geology.

You need a booth, okay?

It's better for flirting,

not-so-accidental touching,

making out. Game on.

Wow, I had no idea guys like you

even thought about this kind of stuff.

Well, that's because you're racist

against jocks. You're a jock-cist.

Okay, moving on.

Okay, so how do you

set the tone at dinner?

Lighting matters, okay?

The darker the booth, the better.

Lighting, dark booth.

Got it. What's next?

Body language.

Is he leaning in?

- Is he sitting close?

- I don't know...

And then it's all about interaction.

Is he trying to impress you?

Does he say complimentary things to you?

If yes, chances are

he's gonna make his move.

And touchdown.

Wes.

I always wanted to do that

to the coach's board.

It's big because it's on a chalkboard.

We gotta go. Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Hey, DUFF queen, wanna show me

some of them moves?

- Bianca?

- Yes.

The video was hysterical. Eat a dick.

Thanks. I just had a bagel,

though, so I'm full.

Mr. Arthur, I'm really sorry. I...

No, don't worry about it.

Step into my hallway.

I don't play favorites,

but you're my favorite.

You ever heard the phrase,

"The pen is mightier than the sword"?

Yeah, and in this case,

a bunch of kids anonymously typing

whatever comments they want

feels like an atomic bomb,

and that's definitely mightier

than a sword.

So make your writing

have a positive effect.

As in a certain

homecoming article that's due.

Oh, please, Mr. Arthur,

the last thing I wanna do

is go to a place

where everybody hates me

and then write about it.

I picked you for a reason.

And whatever you write, I'm running it

as our lead, so make it count.

Inspire us. Remember,

the pen is mightier than the sword.

Simon, get your finger out of there.

- You're not my father.

- Yes, I am your daddy, Simon.

What do you want me to say?

I have nothing to say.

I do everything around this house

and you don't do...

- Oh, here we go.

- Well, it's the truth.

Wesley, will you get the door?!

Oh, don't yell at him.

He has nothing to do with this.

Save it for therapy, okay, honey?

- Wesley, get the door!

- Okay, enough, I got it.

Hey, ready to go get down

- with some bro-valent electrons?

- Yeah.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

- I'd like to not talk.

Well, I know just the place.

You see why I need that scholarship?

Hey, B, where the hell are we going?

My special place. You'll see.

- Is this where you kill me?

- Yes.

They're never gonna find you out here.

I give you Think Rock.

What happens here?

Well, it's gonna blow your mind,

but sit on the rock.

Good, good.

And then you think.

Try it.

How'd you find this place?

I used to run up here a lot with Pepper,

and she would always make

a direct beeline to this rock.

I remember Pepper.

How's she doing?

I guess she's okay.

When my parents got divorced,

my mom wanted custody of me,

and my dad wanted custody of the dog.

Yeah, so I think that pretty much

sums it up right there.

Are your...?

- Are your parents gonna get divorced?

- God, I hope so.

I just... I...

It's okay.

It's not okay.

But it will be.

I promise.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

No, I... It's okay, I...

- What...? Were you...?

- That... You know what?

That was... That was practice.

Sorry, practice for...?

For step eight, okay, for...

Of the plan.

That was practice in case you hadn't

made out with anyone in a while.

It's all part of the plan?

It's just practice, just a

guerrilla-style practice session?

Sneak attack.

Really?

Okay.

Is that what it felt like?

That I hadn't made out with anyone

in a while or whatever?

Well, I mean, I'm more

of a tongue guy myself, but...

You don't say? I think

I felt it poking out my butthole.

So far down my throat.

Are you giving me kissing advice?

Man, I guess I am.

- B.

- You need it.

That's how people kiss.

In porn, maybe.

What's wrong with porn?

If this was a porn movie, we wouldn't be

sitting on a rock having a conversation.

You know, you'd be bringing me a pizza

or, you know, cleaning my pool.

How old is the porn you're watching?

That doesn't... That's not...

That's not even a thing anymore.

They don't do that?

All right, you know what?

I'm gonna give you a lesson.

It's gonna be free.

The first one's always free.

All right, this is how girls

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