The DUFF Page #7

like to be kissed.

- We're doing this?

- We're doing this.

Close your eyes.

- Ready.

- Okay, okay. Lean in.

Go slow, okay? Let the tension build.

So much to learn.

- Okay, ready?

- No.

Okay, now lean in.

Slow.

Oh, no.

That was a good one.

You are a phenomenal kisser.

- Thank you. That's how we like it.

- What is that?

Are you feeling a little better?

Yeah, okay, a little bit.

You're welcome.

Come on, let's go.

We have a date with the periodic chart.

The only periodic chart I know

is the one that tells me

what time of the month

to avoid Madison. Hey!

- I'm not gonna high-five you on that.

- Come on, science jokes.

Know how they say,

"The hills have eyes"?

Well, it turns out

the shrubs have b*tches

- who videotape everything.

- Oh, here we go.

- Well, you don't.

- You ever been kicked in the nuts?

Oh, God, you always come back with that.

- Hey, B.

- Madison, how are you?

Do you wanna see something

hysterical? Hold on.

Watch this.

Did you see the way

that guy looked at you?

- This part's the best.

- Definitely not.

Wait, just look at your face.

Oh, don't worry, it's a working title.

You know, I was thinking maybe

"retail slut" or just "slut whore."

You thought the first video was bad.

Boy, this one's gonna destroy you.

What do you want from me?

Oh, I think it's adorable that Wesley

indulged you in a pity make-out.

Oh, no, no.

I don't even know how you...

But it... That wasn't

what it looked like.

Yeah, no sh*t, it's not.

Because Wesley and I

are getting back together.

- Is Wesley aware of this?

- He will be made aware.

- Look, Bianca, I've tried to be nice.

- Have you?

So let me put this a little differently.

I don't like people

thinking of my ex-boyfriend

hitting it with someone like you.

The thing you have to understand

is what happens in high school

is gonna stay with us forever.

Most people don't think that,

but then again, most people are losers.

- Fascinating.

- People like me matter here.

People like you will never matter.

So stop messing it up

for those of us who do.

See you in math.

In the past, her threat alone

would've been enough

to make me hide under my bed.

But I wasn't even trying to hook up

with Wesley Rush.

I couldn't even imagine it.

I'm horny for sex.

Oh, hey.

Someone's pool need cleaning?

Also I brought pizza.

And I like to have sex with girls.

I'm a girl.

Okay, maybe I could imagine it,

but I had to stay focused

on my Toby mission.

Date night. I worked up all my courage

and tried on the dress Wesley gave me.

In my head, I think I was expecting

some big reality-show reveal.

All right.

But it was just me.

Me in a dress.

Ma, I'm off to my big night.

Whoa, look at you.

Wow, look at you.

Look at you not in a pantsuit.

I know. I have my first Internet date.

We both like Thai food,

are athletically toned and lying about it.

Oh, my God.

- That dress is beautiful on you.

- Thanks.

- Wes gave it to me.

- Oh, what are you two doing tonight?

Oh, no, not...

I'm not going out with Wes.

I'm going out with Toby.

Toby's the guy that I like.

Right, well, that should be fun.

Yeah. I actually kind of feel

nervous about it

just because I feel like

I might say something stupid,

- and I don't really know when...

- Honey, stop.

Believe, retrieve, achieve.

It is a mantra

that I teach all of my clients

who suffer from performance anxiety.

Believe it happened yesterday.

Retrieve your confidence.

Achieve your goals.

Just don't conceive.

Okay. Well, I'm off to do some

believing and hopefully achieving.

- Love you, have fun.

- Unless there was something else.

Nope, I'm good. See you, have fun.

Hey, look at you.

Studying almost like

you were a real student.

Actually, I'm just waiting

for strangers to walk by

so I can show them this bad boy.

Oh, you're not the only B in my life.

Suck it, science.

That is actually incredible.

I can't believe it. Congratulations.

Coach says I might get to play

some football this year.

What?

I'm so proud of you. Good job.

- My dress.

- Not bad for a DUFF, am I right?

It's my big Toby date night.

Off to a nice evening

of talking about the finer things in life

with a fellow intellectual?

Yes, please.

So, I mean, how do I look?

Is this good, coach? Come on.

You look good.

Good? Wow, that's really a rave review.

I just mean that you look good,

but you don't look like you.

What? What are you talking about?

- What do you mean? No, tell me.

- Nothing, nothing. You look fantastic.

I got my grades up, you got your date.

We're good.

- Are you sure? You're being weird.

- You're being weird, okay?

- Go.

- Okay, I'll tell you how it goes.

- All right.

- Okay, bye.

Bye.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Come on in.

Wow, you really dressed up.

This old thing?

So hey, where do you wanna go?

Because I actually heard

that Dave & Buster's

is, like, the cool, hip new spot.

The place with the metal claw game?

- Yeah, that's the one. Fun, right?

- Yeah.

Well, I do love Dave & Buster's,

but I actually took the liberty

of making a reservation already.

Hope this is okay.

Thought we could eat here tonight.

I've been teaching myself

how to make sushi online.

I just thought it would be,

you know, more personal.

Yeah, I like that.

Oh, those are the baked crab rolls.

Make yourself at home.

That's Japanese tea, by the way.

- So enjoy.

- Okay.

Nightmare. I'd only been trained

for Dave & Buster's.

What did Wes say? That "no one's

making out if they're 3 feet apart."

Okay.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey.

- Everything okay?

- Oh, yeah. No, I was getting...

I was feeling, like, a draft over

when I was here,

so I just kind of scooted it on

over here.

- I can turn off the air.

- Oh, okay. Whatever.

That's probably a good idea.

The vibe. Darker the better.

Okay.

Really? What kind of light...?

- What?

- Hey, Bianca. That's better...

- Did we blow a fuse?

- I guess we did.

I was just over here

looking at this picture of you

in the tiny sweatpants, and it got dark.

I don't know. It's crazy.

I'll just flip the breakers,

turn all the lights on.

Oh, you're gonna turn all the...?

Turn them all back on? Okay.

- What?

- Hey, let there be light, right?

Yeah. From the Bible.

Cool. That's crazy.

- What's the crab doing right now?

- Oh, I'll go get him.

Okay, great.

I can't believe you made all this sushi.

This is like restaurant-quality sushi.

Like, look at this. Do you have

a special tool for these?

It took a few hours.

If it has to do with my hands,

I usually pick it up really quickly.

That's actually how I got into guitar.

- Oh, yeah. Tell me more about that.

- I was a terrible student.

And so my mom used to stand

outside my room

to make sure

that I was doing my homework.

Game on.

- What?

- I said, go on with the story,

because I'm loving it.

So then I just started writing poems,

and those poems became songs and...

That is so cool.

I want you to take me...

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