The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning

In Hazzard County

folks like to tell stories.

Most are made up or embellished.

Like the time I told everybody in town

that I wrestled three gators at once

when really it was just two slow kids

and a basset hound.

These legends become a part of us.

They show who we are

and who we'd like to be.

Now, I know you've heard of few

about Hazzard's most infamous residents.

But this one, the smallest child in Hazzard

can rattle it off

as fast as he can hot-wire a Chevy.

This here's how it all started.

This is how Bo and Luke

became the Dukes of Hazzard.

Bo Duke. Your average 16-year-old

itching to get his license.

Shopping cart! Shopping cart!

Shopping cart!

Maybe the seventh time will be the charm.

Calling all units. In pursuit of

a male teenager driving a station wagon,

possible hostage situation.

Yeah, Bo Duke.

He's trying to get his license again, huh?

Yeah. He'll be stringed off.

As is.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.

Sorry about that. Kind of hard

to concentrate with all that screaming.

In case you can't already tell,

Bo knows one speed. Fast.

He's 99% instinct and 1% brains.

And that's on a good day.

- I can jump it.

- No, no, no.

- No.

- Oh, sh*t!

- That fool's crazy. I'm out of here.

- Wait. Did I pass?

No, Bo, you sure as sh*t didn't,

but you got Tasered

and I hear that's fun.

You might think Bo was

the crown prince of public mayhem,

but four counties over, there was

another contender vying for that throne,

his cousin, Luke Duke.

This poor green pup thought

that the way to a woman's heart

was by blowing sh*t up.

Someday Luke will learn

that when it comes to women,

he was focused on the wrong kind of bang.

She's a classy kid. Real lady.

Forget about her, Luke.

Let me show you your future

under this table here.

I'm sorry, psychic whore,

but I've already seen my future.

And it's with Debbie Sue.

- Hey, are you ready?

- Hell, I better be ready.

X 90 Armageddons,

Yellow Cycle of Thunders,

Nasty Napalmers that'll

peel back her eyelids,

blow off her silky golden hair,

melt her brain stem,

and open up her heart.

- And she knows this stuff is coming?

- She doesn't even know my name.

Come on, let's go.

She will after tonight.

Hey, Luke,

looks like your princess

is about ready to get her castle stormed.

Sometimes you get so darn busy

planning the plan

that you take your eyes off the prize,

or maybe even blow the prize up.

Oh, sh*t.

I reckon Luke never planned on

carpet-bombing the county fair.

Twenty injuries, 15 grand in damage,

and Debbie Sue still doesn't know

Luke's name.

Better luck next time, Romeo.

- Get up, get up.

- Luke, you could've killed someone.

Bo's parents and Luke's parents

convinced the judges

that the boys' salvation lay in a summer

of hard work on Uncle Jesse's farm,

a taste of the simple life.

Simple life. That's a good one.

Hazzard County.

Damn.

- What's so funny, Goldilocks?

- Two things always make me laugh.

Monkeys dressed as humans, and

some p*ssy getting chucked off the bus.

How would like to spend

the night in the morgue?

Show me the way.

Hey, hey. Hey, guys. Nice to see

y'all cousins getting reacquainted.

- Bo?

- Luke?

Welcome to Hazzard.

- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.

- Uncle Jesse.

Oh, I'll take the brunette,

you get the blonde.

Man, this J.D. Hogg

sure does like to smile.

He's got a lot to smile about.

He owns the whole town.

I knew him back

when he was messing his britches.

I think he smiled when he did that.

He ain't a bad guy,

but just don't cross him.

Oh, my goodness,

some things have changed.

Corals and cocktails, coz.

I just found Jesus. Yeah!

Yeah.

Keep the garden hoses

in your trousers, boys.

Lot of fun to water the lawn,

but then you got to feed the flowers

and then you got to send them to school.

- Same old truck.

- Yeah. Same old truck.

Hey, Ab.

Come on, already.

I'm gonna be 175 by the time he gets here.

Only running he's done is against J.D.

for county commissioner.

How you doing, Ab?

Got your medicine for you, old buddy.

Reach in there and grab you two

what you like.

I hear you, buddy. See you next week.

Go get 'em.

That's his medicine?

Well, he's 112 years old.

I bring him his medicine every week.

He's got scurvy, malaria, rickets,

chlamydia. You name it, he's got it.

Come on, let's go see Daisy.

- Shotgun.

- Nope, I got here first.

Get in first.

- Whoa.

- Look out for the dog, Uncle Jesse!

You ever wanna find

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane,

go 10 blocks past sanity

and take a right on crazy.

Hang on there, Jesse.

Can't miss him.

Ordinance 733. Hound dogs have

the right of way here in Hazzard County.

That's great detective work, Rosco.

But it ain't no crime.

Maybe lipping off

to an officer of the law is, there,

- Blue Jeans and Bongo Drums.

- We didn't want to hit your dog.

Now was I talking to you, there,

Johnny Jingle Nuts?

Ain't you got nothing better to do?

Well, maybe I could stuff you

in my hold there, little partner.

And you could collect

toenail clippings for fun.

Now, you all just mind yourself.

'Cause this here

is Rosco P. Coltrane's jurisdiction.

I'll send you straight to hell

in a bucket of chicken.

Come on, kid.

Old Rosco ain't never fired that gun,

but he's always looking for a reason.

Let's don't give him one.

Oh, man, pigtails. I love pigtails.

Daisy'll introduce us to the hot locals.

- So we can tag some wild game.

- Yeah.

And then you can stop beating off

to them breast exam ads.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Daisy Duke.

You can't see it yet, but there's a woman

waiting to burst out of her

like an alien invader.

I promised her folks I wouldn't let her date

until she's 18 and she just hit 18.

And she's turning some heads.

What kind of heads is she turning?

And never far behind, Enos Strate.

He likes to hover waiting

to come to her rescue. Kind of sweet.

Look at you.

Oh, hey, Daisy.

Y'all are cuter than boxing gloves

on a kitten.

- Hi, Uncle Jesse.

- Hi. How was Bible school?

Well, Pastor Phil says,

you know, that being a virgin's cool,

so all us girls in class, we signed this oath

saying we won't have sex until marriage.

These are all the things we can't do.

Anyway, me and the girls are

real psyched about being virgins.

- All the girls signed this?

- You bet.

Can't wait to be a virgin again.

Luke, honey, you crying?

Just happy to see you, Daisy.

The Lord loves y'all.

He just wants you to know he'll be

with you all summer, too. Huh, Daisy?

Right. This is gonna be

the best summer ever.

You know what we should be doing

with this sh*t?

Should be blowin' this sh*t up.

Hey, you know you can make

low-grade bombs with manure?

Whoa! What are you doing?

- I'm going fast, so I can get done.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, truce. Jeez.

Wash up. Come on in for supper.

We got ham hocks, pickles, pig's feet.

And you can finish shoveling that manure

after you have your dessert.

Then we're done?

Then you got to go down by the road

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