The Dukes of Hazzard

Welcome to Hazzard County.

A little corner of the world where

everyone knows everyone else...

... and people are never too busy

to stop and say howdy.

Shoot, some folks even say this is

where the apple pie was invented.

Yep, basically everything down here

moves a little bit slower...

... unless, of course,

your last name is Duke.

Man, the General's in good shape.

Bo, it's happy hour at The Boar's Nest,

and we still got two deliveries to make.

It's all one big happy hour, Luke.

Besides, we're taking a shortcut.

Hi, Luke.

- I got this one.

- You sure that's a good idea, cuz?

It's a great idea. Come on.

Hey, Laurie.

- You here to make your delivery?

- Well, I was hoping to.

Luke, remember last time.

Don't worry about it, cuz.

It's okay, Bo. Pa ain't here.

See, Bo? Pa ain't here.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Play hard to get, little buddy.

Listen and learn, General.

And now, side two

of the Al Unser, Jr. Story:

No Questions, Only Unsers,

as read by Laurence Fishburne.

"I'm too old for this sh*t. "

That's what I was thinking

as I turned into the final lap...

... running fourth at Talladega.

But then it hit me.

Life is like a racetrack.

You gotta keep going

round and round.

- That is so true.

- Sure, sometimes you crash and burn.

But if you don't make the turn,

you ain't never gonna learn.

So I gripped the wheel tighter,

checked my gauges, and made my move.

Make my move. Give you my move.

Make it, mother...

- Jesus Christ!

- Howdy, Bo.

Hey, Mr. Pullman.

I nearly sh*t myself.

- How you doing, sir?

- Oh, I'm fine.

You ready for that big

Hazzard Rally this weekend?

Yeah, I got him all tuned up.

Right, General?

How many times

you won that, anyway?

- Four in a row, sir.

- Four in a row.

That's good. Billy Prickett won it four

in a row, and look what he's doing today.

- Hey, you been hunting?

- Yes, sir.

Yeah, I been using

those new whammy shells.

They scatter less for when you really

wanna blow a hole in something.

- Cool. Guns.

- Yeah.

Are you delivering

all by yourself today?

Oh, no. I never travel alone, sir.

I like to think I travel

with the man upstairs.

You know, Jesus.

You know, I like that attitude.

I'm gonna look around

and find a boy like you...

...to date my daughter,

Laurie, pretty soon.

Because she's getting curious

about boys, you know.

Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about sex, right?

I just wanna keep that

sorry cousin of yours away from her.

The way he looks at her galls me.

You know what I mean?

You get back here right now,

you son of a b*tch.

Get back here.

Luke! Luke!

- Why you running, you chickenshit?

- Goddamn Dukes.

You get the hell off my sister.

- Jimmy!

- Oh, sh*t.

Damn you, Luke!

You get back in the house!

- Go, Bo, go!

- Luke, wait!

- Put on a shirt!

- Come on, come on, come on.

I forgot about the brother. Go!

So happy hour?

- You're gonna get us shot someday.

- Not today.

Not with you driving the getaway car.

- So how was it?

- It's never bad.

Son of a b*tch.

Here, load up with these

whammy shells.

They'll blow a hole through

an elephant's ass.

Look out.

Oh, goddamn it!

You're gonna replace that.

- What's he using?

- You don't wanna know.

Dadgum it,

you just assassinated a tree.

Got a big kick to it.

Don't you worry. They can't touch

the General. Come on, boy.

You missed, Jimmy!

Can't you shoot straight? Don't point

that thing at me, you chucklehead.

Don't call me a chucklehead.

I ain't a chucklehead.

Hey! Get that gun out of the wheel!

What are you doing? Hey.

Hey. What the hell?

- Goddamn it.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.

Let's go after them.

- Bo, did you see that sign?

- I can read!

This is how you planned

on losing them?

You ain't scared, are you?

Scared? Hell, no. I just don't

wanna hear it from Uncle Jesse...

...when you break his bottles of shine.

I bet you the old phone book

I don't break a bottle.

Phone book it is.

Daddy, you get me close,

and I'll put a bullet in this son of a b*tch.

Goddamn it, Jimmy!

Who says I can't shoot? Daddy? Daddy!

Bo and Luke Duke.

Cousins closer than brothers.

Both big-hearted, strong-willed...

... and restless as a couple of cats

thrown into a swimming hole.

Nice driving, cuz.

What?

- I won the bet, you son of a b*tch.

- Oh, come on.

I didn't break any bottles,

so I won the bet.

- I was just joking about the bet.

- Oh, you were joking?

- Yeah.

- Still getting the phone book, though.

- Come on, double or nothing.

- Nope. Time to pay your debt, buddy.

Which side you want,

right side or left?

Right.

Did I hear one of your teeth break?

I don't remember the Hazzard

phone book being that thick.

This is Atlanta.

Bet was over. I can't believe that

happened. I mean, the bet was over.

- What are you doing?

- Where you want it?

- Oh, man.

- Where you want it?

Left.

That was a good one.

Right in the ball sack. God.

In case of dehydration.

That'll put lead in your pencil.

- Man, I'm already tired of walking.

- You could use a little exercise.

Them jeans of yours

look tighter than Daisy's.

Oh, yeah? I bet you a cold beer

I could beat you to The Boar's Nest.

That's five miles.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Face!

He came back.

What's Billy Prickett doing here?

Well, it looks like he's here

for the race.

Man, those tires alone are worth

more than the General Lee.

My, oh, my. Look at that.

Billy Prickett's car, huh?

What's new

in law enforcement, Enos?

- They make you lieutenant yet?

- Hell, you know that'll never happen.

Maybe one of these days you'll

wise up and come work for us.

We could use a man like you.

I don't know. I don't think it's a good

time to be in the moonshine business.

Moonshine business?

We ain't in the moonshining business.

But if someone were in the moonshining

business, why would it be a bad time?

Now, Luke, you know I can't say

anything. Boss Hogg'll tan my hide.

He spanks you?

Hey, Dil, what do you want?

We just ordered.

By the looks of this place,

I'll take two bottles of Pepto...

...and a shot of penicillin, right?

Jesus, mother of Mary.

Look away, man.

Trust me, look away.

Don't worry about it.

I won't hurt her.

There ain't nobody in this bar

concerned about you hurting her.

All right, all right.

Y'all ready to order?

You better be reading

my nametag, friend.

I am, I am. I noticed

your initials were double D.

- Oh, sweet Jesus.

- I'll give you one more chance.

You wanna order, or you wanna sit

around and make stupid jokes?

Ain't gotta get fussy.

We're having a good time.

I'll tell you what, I'll order.

We don't want no problems.

Let's see...

Do those legs come over easy?

Oh, my God.

- How about the special, sir?

- Dil Driscoll!

You stop bothering that nice girl

and pick on somebody your own size.

- Billy Prickett.

- Hey, it's Billy Prickett!

- Welcome home, boy.

- You old mule.

Hey.

Why don't you cool off, Dil?

- Come on, boy. Let's get out of here.

- My, my, my.

Holy hell, Luke. There he is, right there.

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