The Dukes of Hazzard Page #2

That's Billy Prickett.

Should I buy him a drink?

Maybe you should buy him

flowers and chocolates.

Give me a Miller.

Make it a Lwenbru.

How you doing?

Hey, Billy Prickett.

Welcome back to Hazzard.

See, boys, I told you all the

waitresses in this place was dog ugly.

- Man.

- I'm only fooling with you.

Fellas, this is Bo Duke.

Bo is looking to break my Hazzard Rally

record. What is it now, four in a row?

Yeah, well...

All streaks must come to an end, Bo.

I'm calling this one "the drive for five. "

- Well, I'm looking forward to the race.

- Hey, Dil!

This is the boy

who's trying to break my record.

Oh, really? I'm Dil Driscoll, crew chief.

- Bo-Bo, have a seat.

- Really?

So, Billy, what's it like

being in the circuit?

- Well...

- Hey, Billy, join me for a drink?

Oh, well, you sweet little thing.

Fellas, I'm awfully thirsty

all of a sudden.

Bo-Bo, may the best man win.

John, another round!

So, Bo, what's the story

on that little pistol over there?

Because she gave me a ride earlier.

Well, actually, she's my cousin.

Oh, really? You hitting that?

- She's my cousin.

- Hopefully you're kissing cousins, right?

- Come again?

- Son, all I'm really trying to ask you...

...is if you shuck her corn.

Now, there are certain things you just

don't say to a Duke about another Duke.

I'll shuck your corn!

Excuse me a second.

Pick him up! Pick him up!

Hey, hey. Can I get in on this?

- Yeah.

- Sure.

Oh, buddy.

Here we go.

Fifty bucks on the Dukes!

- That makes two, Luke!

- Attaboy!

Hey, Billy Prickett!

Careful, Bo-Bo.

Don't hit him. That's A.J. Foyt!

- Really?

- The fourth!

- Hey, can I hit this guy?

- Kill them all!

- The ribs are greasy.

- The beans are cold.

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.

Closest thing to law enforcement

in Hazzard County.

Rosco's been after the Duke boys

since they started walking.

Of course, some people say

the boys' first steps...

... landed right on the sheriff's

last nerve.

Dukes. Just once you two

ought to try leaving a place...

...in better shape

than it was when you walked in.

Oh, I think your boss can afford

to replace a few broken beer mugs.

I heard there was

a little incident earlier...

...concerning a certain crappy

orange hot rod out at the Miller farm.

Y'all really upset some

of them construction boys.

When I got there, they were not being

gentle with your beloved piece of crap.

What'd you do, Rosco?

I can't say she's gonna be in real good

racing shape for the rally this weekend.

You watch yourself, hillbilly boy.

Come on, boys. My shift's over.

I'll take you over to Cooter's.

Come on.

Jefferson Davis Hogg...

... the meanest man

in Hazzard County.

He's canny as a fox,

tough as a badger...

... and crooked as a hillbilly's smile.

Well, Rosco.

I see you have redecorated.

Interesting style. What do you call it?

- Well, sir, the Dukes...

- The Dukes.

I had a feeling.

I've got some important things

happening here this weekend.

- Yes, sir.

- Are you gonna take care of the Dukes...

...or am I gonna have to make

other plans?

I'm on top of it, Boss.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- You ready?

- Is it bad?

Not good.

Hell, this is worse than the time

you sunk it in the Tipton Swamp.

Mostly cosmetic damage,

right, Cooter?

- Mostly.

- Yeah.

- He's gonna be ready for the race, right?

- Race? Come on, Bo.

I mean, the General doesn't race.

The General erases the competition.

Who does this?

It would make a nice hat or a slipper.

You know what? Just leave the General

here with me. I'll see if I can fix...

I'll have it up running in no time.

Meanwhile, you boys take my truck.

What if you need to tow somebody?

If I can't "toe" them, I'll just finger them.

You know what I mean?

Close one. Even shell-shocked,

he's a better driver than you are.

- Thanks, Cooter.

- Yeah.

Chin up.

Daisy?

Jesse L. Duke.

- Uncle Jesse to you.

- Daisy.

Now, Jesse's been

two places in his life:

Hazzard County and Korea.

- Daisy?

- I'm in here.

- As far as he's concerned...

- Where are you?

I'm in the shower.

- that's one place too many.

Ready or not, here I come.

- How's it looking, good looking?

- Well, I fixed the vapor coils...

...but the boiler's still slow.

You been running this around the clock?

Them boys break more bottles than

they deliver. Eight cases this month.

Wonder where in the hell

they are, anyway.

It'll make you feel lots better.

- Light the son of a b*tch.

- All right.

I feel good.

All right, y'all, knock off

the grab-assing over there.

What's going on, Uncle Jesse?

Guy come out of an antique shop

carrying a big grandfather's clock.

Bumped into this drunk,

broke the clock.

Guy said, "Why don't you watch

where you're going. "

The drunk says, "Why don't you carry

a wristwatch like everybody else. "

Know what happens

when you give a politician Viagra?

- No.

- He gets taller.

Here's another one for you.

How many Dukes does it take

to screw up a moonshine delivery?

Oh, yes, sorry about that,

Uncle Jesse. We...

Is that Rosco?

Wonder what

that fat sack of sh*t wants.

Come on.

We can skip the "Hi, how are you's. "

I'm here on official police business.

Right here, sheriff.

Oh, that's horseshit.

You planted that.

"By the power vested in me

by the County of Hazzard, Georgia...

...I hereby seize this property...

...for the crime of producing

and distributing moonshine. "

Now, Jesse,

we can do this the easy way...

...or, of course...

...there's that other way.

- Let's try the that other way first.

- Now, hold on. Wait.

Only way I'm leaving this farm

is in a wooden box.

Well...

Hi, Dukes.

Hi.

Well, now.

Lookie there.

Moonshining.

What a shame, what a shame.

- That ain't ours, Boss.

- Really?

You're out of here.

This land ain't yours anymore.

You're gonna have to

live somewhere else...

...and you're never gonna moonshine...

- Why, you prick!

Watch out. I got my dog here,

and I ain't fed him, and he's real hungry.

Easy, Jesse. Not now.

You boys done started a fight

you can't win.

Well, you have my sympathy.

Y'all take care, now.

- Should've busted a cap in his ass.

- Hell, yeah.

Hey, easy now, boys.

Thanks for taking us in, Pauline.

We really appreciate it.

Oh, honey, it is my pleasure.

I left three toes in Korea for this country,

and this is the thanks I get.

I don't understand how they

could just take your farm.

They planted a still in our barn.

They planted a still? Now,

why would they need to plant a still?

Because they're too damn dumb

to find our real one.

I was waiting on old Bill Miller

up at the truck stop last night.

He said Boss' men seized his land

for some trumped-up charge too.

Maybe it's got to do with all that

construction equipment up at the Millers'.

You wanna go up there

and take a second look?

Oh, I don't know, boys.

Oh, now, Pauline.

Don't worry, Uncle Jesse.

We're gonna take care of it.

You know what's gonna happen,

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