The Dukes of Hazzard Page #3

don't you?

Those two are gonna get themselves

in trouble, end up in jail...

...and I'm gonna have to

shake my ass to get them out.

That's why we love you, honey.

- Oh, goddamn it.

- Well, well, well.

What the hell

do you think you're doing?

What's it look like?

I'm building a doomsday machine...

...gonna aim it right up

your heinie hole.

You stupid enough to think

you can fix this?

- I'm fixing to fix it.

- Oh, you fixing to fix it.

You couldn't fix an election

if your brother was the governor.

What do you want, Rosco?

This here vehicle, it was used in the

illegal transportation of moonshine.

Boss wants it impounded.

It ain't running right now,

and my tow truck ain't here...

...so unless you stick it up your ass...

Hey, one way or another,

grease monkey...

...tomorrow I'm auctioning off

this hunk of junk.

So y'all have a good night, now, okay?

I got two words for you:

Soap and water.

That's three words.

Stupid.

Hey, man, this is Cooter.

Round up the fellas.

I got a job for them.

Lot of equipment there

for an abandoned farm.

Yeah, and that fence went up

pretty quick too, huh?

- Let's go ditch the truck.

- All right.

Well, ain't that cute,

a man taking his pig for a walk.

Come on.

What now?

Lookie here, Bo.

He's got our farm marked, right next

to the Millers' and the Robinsons'.

What the hell does he want

with all this land?

I don't know.

But I tell you what,

if I was incriminating information...

...I'd be hiding in that big,

huge son of a b*tch.

- How are we supposed to open that?

- I don't know about you...

... but I'd sure hate to be

that safe right now.

Yeah!

Holy sh*t.

Hope they got e-mail.

Oh, dear.

What the hell?

It's stuck on a pole.

I'll check it.

- Give it some gas!

- Okay!

- Hey, give it a little more gas!

- Okay!

- Hey, Bo, hold up!

- Okay!

Hey! No, Bo! No!

Okay!

- Yeah!

- Bo!

- No, Bo!

- Sorry, cuz.

You'd do the same thing to me.

Bo!

Bo, damn it!

Hold on, little buddy!

Oh, sh*t!

Bo, you son of a...

I said, no, Bo. No!

I thought you said, "Go, Bo. Go. "

You see how that sounds kind of..?

Hey, you know what?

Sheev lives near here.

Maybe he can help us

open this thing up, huh?

Yeah.

Okay. We'll go to Sheev's.

Rosco, this here's Chip.

You might wanna call Hogg...

...and tell him them two fellers,

they made off with his safe.

And I might need a ride too.

Boss, what kind of mood you in?

I'm in a crawfish-boiling mood.

Well, it seems that the Duke boys...

...have stolen your safe.

I am officially upgrading the Dukes...

...from "fly in my ointment"

to "thorn in my side. "

And if they happen to elevate

themselves to "pain in my ass"...

...then I'm gonna boil you. Got it?

- Yes, sir.

- Now...

...I want you to find the Dukes

and lock them up.

Oh, and bring me my damn safe back.

Yes, sir.

Flash.

Evening, Sheev.

Sheev.

I'm looking for them Duke boys.

You seen them?

They was last seen

heading up this road here.

You still got them CIA mind probes

stuck in your head, boy?

Far as I know.

Good.

Keep your little antennae up there...

...in case you see the Dukes,

you let me know, you hear?

Yeah.

Stinks out here, you know that?

- Is he gone, Sheev?

- He's gone.

- Prickett, Prickett.

- It means a lot to me...

... to be invited here

back to my hometown.

I hope to remind

the good people of Hazzard...

- ... what it feels like to be proud again.

- We love you, Billy!

And I hope to remind the good people

of Hazzard to come out to the rally...

... and cheer their favorite son,

Billy Prickett!

And I'm declaring today

Billy Prickett Day.

You're too kind.

I just hope, come Saturday...

... I'm not too hazardous on the roads.

"Hazardous on the roads. "

- This one's for you!

- This is Tammy Arinder...

... at the parade, for WCNU News.

Seeing Billy Prickett race in person?

That might be worth

putting my pants on for.

- Bo, you racing on Saturday?

- I'm planning on it.

What's the prize for second place?

Gonna be good.

Tough one, good luck.

It's a little weird

he's coming back here to race.

Life's weird, Luke. Someday

you're gonna have to accept that.

Well, okay.

Let's take a look at that lockbox.

Oh, yeah. Liberty 400.

High-density,

Two-inch chrome bolts,

vertical and horizontal.

And a spring-loaded, independent

relocking device, with a foreign body.

- She's a beauty.

- Can you crack it?

I'm gonna do more than crack it.

Goddamn it.

Armadillo. They've been infiltrating

my perimeter all summer.

- The hell you do with them?

- I make helmets.

Armadillo helmets can block

even the best brain-wave scanners.

Make a pretty good soup bowl too.

So okay. I'm gonna

go to work on this thing.

While I do, would you be a dear, Bo,

and go grab me that armadillo?

Thanks.

Man, he looks pissed off.

Come on, y'all! That was a good one.

All right, maybe you could

take it off now.

Got a real nice deal on this stuff.

Government issue.

Only expired about six months ago,

so should have a real nice pop.

Yeah! Cooter's got

the General running.

- Might be able to race on Saturday.

- Really?

We gotta get it out of there tonight.

Rosco wants to impound it.

Watch your ass, fellas.

This is the fastest-burning

fuse you got, Sheev?

It's a Chinese fuse.

- Might be a wet fuse.

- Well, should we check it?

Depends if you like how your face

is configured, pretty boy.

I think you got the wires backwards.

They're supposed to be.

It's a Chinese fuse.

No, backwards from how

they're supposed to be.

You ever been to China?

Have you ever been to China?

I ate Chinese food once.

Well, you don't blow up

mu shu pork, my friend.

I dated a Korean girl in school.

That is a different Oriental nation.

Get an education.

- You got the fuse wrong.

- You know nothing about...

...Chino-Sino-American relations.

- You're missing the point.

Might've used too much.

Man, that rattled my sphincter.

What the hell is that? Drugs?

Don't look like no drugs I ever saw.

- What the hell are these numbers?

- It's a core sample.

Mining. They drill a hole, take a sample,

send it to the lab, see what they got.

- Core samples of what?

- How should I know?

Am I wearing a white coat here?

I cut bait and blow sh*t up for a living.

- Take it to a lab.

- I don't know, maybe at the university?

- Katie-Lynn Johnson's at the university.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.

Man, I always had a thing for that girl.

Remember she used to come by

the farm with those tight little outfits?

- No, I can't say I remember that.

- I thought I had her too.

Then she pulled a goddamn Keyser Soze

on me, and like that...

...she was gone.

You don't remember that?

Well, okay.

Unless you need something else blown,

I'll go inside and wash my mongoose.

Okay.

Come on, Luke. Let's get the General.

Why don't we have Cooter stash that.

We'll take his truck,

head to the highway...

How would you feel if the General and I

went to Atlanta and left you behind?

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