The Emperor Waltz Page #2

[Bell Ringing]

You'll pardon my intrusion,

Your Majesty.

Will Your Majesty please

make all the haste possible?

What is it now?

A precautionary measure,

Your Majesty.

There seems to be

an assassin.

Oh, dear.

This gets to be

such a bore. Sorry.

Here. Here now!

What's the idea?

Come here!

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, you! Wait a minute!

[Barking]

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?

You're under arrest!

Let go of me!

And drop that dog,

You dogs!

Search him! Now,

who are your confederates?

We want every name.

Is this the Emperor's palace

or a loony bin?

You came here as a potentate.

Are you a potentate?

I may have stretched things

a little, but I'm a Shriner.

Paid up.

You're a nihilist.

I am not.

I'm a Presbyterian.

A lie again. It says here

that you're a salesman.

Listen, wabble-face,

isn't it possible to be a

Presbyterian Shriner salesman?

You're trying to confuse me.

I am also

a registered Democrat,

a member

of the Chamber of Commerce,

a sandlot third baseman, and l...

Not so fast!

I have to talk fast.

If I don't, my sample's

gonna rust in your fish pond.

Careful!

It might explode.

I wish it would.

It cannot.

The powder's all wet.

It must be some new model

with a cannon attached.

You must be an old windbag

with a blabbermouth attached.

I never saw such a bunch

of ignoramuses. Here, Buttons,

we'll show 'em the trademark.

Does that mean anything to you?

It doesn't, hey?

Well, it's an invention.

A talking machine.

A new kind of American

thingamabob. Watch this.

We have a record, we put it

on the machine thus.

We start the works

in this manner. Drop

the needle in that fashion.

[Garbled Song]

[Stops]

Something wrong here.

What do you... What's going on?

This is not

standard equipment.

With Your Majesty's permission,

Your Majesty may come out now.

About time. I was beginning

to feel like a corkscrew.

What was it this time?

A false alarm,

Your Majesty.

An American salesman

trying to force his way in.

A most persistent breed,

these Americans.

One threw himself

in front of my carriage.

He was selling brushes.

Wanted me to buy two

for my whiskers.

Also a clothes brush,

shoe brush, nail brush

and a tooth brush.

Incredible.

We finally bought a mop

and had him deported.

Where were we now?

The dogs, Your Majesty.

The final arrangements.

Oh, yes. Louis and I

will be at my hunting lodge

in the Tyrol...

for the next three weeks.

I want you to come

and stay with me

and bring Scheherazade.

We are most honored,

Your Majesty.

I think the happy couple...

will find the mountain air

quite invigorating.

As to transportation,

have you any objections

to the horseless carriage?

None whatever, Your Majesty.

Then I'll send my automobile

to bring you up next Tuesday.

Good-bye, Baron.

Good-bye, my dearJohanna.

May I personally

guarantee Your Majesty

a most glorious litter?

Thank you.

I shall see you

in the mountains.

Everybody return

to his quarters.

No tradesperson

is permitted in the palace.

You will pack that

squalling abomination

and leave at once!

Out! Out! Out!

Oh, no, I don't.

I'm gonna wait 'til it dries

and show it to the old boy,

as per

my appointment!

To whom will you show it?

To the Emperor.

If you play ball,

I won't tell him what a monkey

You made out of yourself.

You will never see

the Emperor.

I'd protect His Majesty

from that object as I'd

protect him from a bomb.

You listen to me, chubby.

I didn't come to Austria

to run into that kind of guff.

I came here to put that machine

over and I'm gonna.

I'm gonna sell 5,000,

10,000, 20,000.

Not in Austria,

I assure you.

We do not take to cheap,

blatant innovations.

You're a bunch of

dusty old aunties,

scared of anything new.

You wouldn't have put in

the electric light,

bought an automobile,

only the Emperor did.

He's gonna buy

the first one of these

and endorse it.

And when he does,

You watch the sales skyrocket.

Yo-ho! They're going up.

And perhaps you will take

a photograph of our Emperor...

Iooking into that horn,

in place of your dog.

Don't you realize this is

the greatest thing that's

happened to the Holenia's...

in ten generations?

Will it pay

the butcher's bill?

What butcher would dare

present his bill to the

Emperor's brother-in-law?

What was that?

My poor demented daughter,

don't you realize

we've just become part

of the Emperor's family?

All because of some

arrangement about puppies?

Thanks to those puppies

Your father is now...

the most important man

in the monarchy, inseparable

from the Emperor.

He and I will sit together

waiting for them to be born.

We'll feed the little things

with medicine droppers,

spread newspapers for them,

take them on walks.

I shall have

the Emperor's ear and

advise him on matters of state.

I may become

ambassador to Paris,

or minister of finance.

Oh, not that, Father.

As for you, Johanna,

magnificent vistas

have opened up.

What's wrong with

the young king of Spain? Or

there's an English princeling.

Father, to return

to the butcher,

how are we to provide...

meat for the bride

if she's to be kept alive

for the happy event?

Don't be ridiculous.

We now have all the credit

in the world.

So Vienna thought

we had gone to the dogs?

[Chuckles]

Gone to the dogs,

indeed.

Stop dawdling. We've

endured your presence

long enough.

Aw, your emperor's

sideburns!

What are you

doing now? Disrobing

in the palace grounds?

What a fussy old dude you are.

You're worse than a worm

on a hot rock.

I'll give you

one more minute to get

that object out of here!

That's what's known

as Viennese charm, Buttons.

If you ever see me order

Wiener schnitzel again,

You can spit

right in my eye!

[Barking]

Here, Buttons.

Come back here.

[Growling]

[Dogs Barking, Growling]

Hey, Buttons.

Go away,

You nasty mongrel.

What are you up to?

You bad dog, you. Here.

What's the matter?

Hey.! Hey, you.!

This dog is bleedin'.

What did you do to my dog?

Stop! Hey!

That's enough.

That's enough.

You bet it is. We've been

kicked around, thrown in

the water, snapped at, bitten.

Who do those people

think they are?

They are His Excellency,

Baron Holenia...

and the Countess

von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Where do they live?

The Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg

palace on

Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg Square.

That's a lot of Stolzenberg.

And don't tell us to get out

'cause we're gittin'.

[Bell Ringing]

[Bell Rings, Crashes]

You rang, sir?

Does a black dog live here?

I beg your pardon?

A French poodle

about that size.

Tell her she has to see

a man about a dog.

Perhaps if you would clarify the

nature of your business, sir.

[Scheherazade Barking]

Hey, you!

What's the idea ofjust

running off after your dog

has bitten my dog?

I don't expect decent manners

of that thing, but human beings

we expect to act halfway human.

[Growling]

Take off your hat.

Look at that leg.

Bitten clear to the bone.

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