The Emperor Waltz Page #3

It bled all over my rented suit.

I doubt if my birds

care for the smell of your hat.

Fry your birds!

I'm talkin' about my dog.

Your dog ought to have a muzzle

and not a leather muzzle,

a steel one.

[Growling]

Don't let him upset you,

darling.

Look at that silly haircut.

Who trims her, the guy that

trims your hedges?

What is it that you want?

Damages for your mongrel, money

for cleaning your trousers?

I want

a saliva test made of her

and I want it now!

You want what?

A saliva test.

She may be mad.

That silly lookin' thing

may have the rabies!

I'll thank you

not to use such vile words

when you talk about her.

All right, hydrophobia, then.

Have you watched her

for symptoms?

Has she been

frothing at the mouth?

Does her bark sound croupy?

My dear man, if either of these

two dogs is mad, it's yours.

My veterinary

goes over Scheherazade

from snout to tail every week.

She's a dog of superb pedigree

and she gets superb care.

Oh, listen, any mutt

can have rabies.

For the last time, will you stop

referring to her as a mutt?

Have you ever heard

of blood lines? Hers

goes back to the 18th century.

Hmpf. His goes back to as far

as they've been havin' dogs.

Perhaps you've heard of one

of her ancestors, Papillion,

the poodle of Marie Antoinette.

They were both guillotined

in the French Revolution.

Smart move.

Her father belongs

to Czar Nicholas of Russia.

You don't say.

Her mother

to the Infanta of Spain.

His mother belongs to a milkman

in Springfield, Illinois.

And his father...

His father. Well,

You've got me there.

Her twin brothers

belong to a Cardinal

and live in the Vatican.

As for Scheherazade herself,

she has just become engaged...

to the dog of His Majesty,

Francis Joseph the First.

Yeah? Well, Buttons' brother

helps a kid named Stinky O'Hara

deliver newspapers...

and his sister was making an

honest living as a watchdog...

until she was hit

by the Baltimore and Ohio.

How really fascinating.

f your poodle

is so classy...

how come she doesn't know better

than to go around biting

a nice little dog?

If your animal is so clever,

it should know better

than to approach a dog...

of an entirely

different class.

All he did is go up to her

and say, "How do you do?"

That's all.

He thrust his ugly,

ill-bred little face

right at hers.

And for that

she bit him.

Certainly.

And she was right?

Absolutely. There are such

things as class distinctions.

How's that?

Class distinctions,

I said.

I thought that's what you said.

Two kinds of blood you mean?

Blue blood and the kind we have.

The kind you get at the

five and ten cent store.

Precisely. You must admit

there's a difference

between...

Stinky O-something-or-other

and the Emperor of Austria.

There is the lowbred

and the highbred.

If the lowbred

has the impertinence

to come distastefully close,

what can he expect

but to be bitten?

Is that so?

It is.

[Growling]

Okay.

Now you bite me.

[Whistling]

[Continues]

I would have horsewhipped him

then and there, the revolting

little plebian.

You saw him. Ears like

a bat and the rest of him

like a plucked duck.

Perhaps there's more to him

than meets the eye.

So it would seem

from what happened

in the mountains.

What happened?

A conflagration

of the wildest passion...

Please! Remember

the archduchess's heart.

Go on. What happened?

For your own sake, Isabella.

Oh, go on,

or I shall fling myself

from this balcony.

All right, it's your heart.

It seems that

that little horror...

found out the Emperor

was going to the Tyrol.

So being an American... They'll

do anything in their mad pursuit

of the almighty dollar.

[Virgil Yodeling]

Bom bom bom dee dee dee

Lom da da dee dee da dee

Bom bom

[Yodeling]

Bom bom

[Echo]

Bom bom

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find

the friendly mountains

joining in

[Echoing]

Joining in

Loosen up your pipes

And brother you can bet

It's as pretty

as a barbershop quartet

Quartet

[Echo]

Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

You can raise your voice

And sing out

hip-hooray

But it always comes back

[Echoing]

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Women Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Whistling]

[Men Yodeling]

[Virgil Whistling]

[Yodeling]

[Virgil Whistling]

Give the birds a break

And hustle up a song

And let

the friendly mountains

Sing along

[Men And Women Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling Continues]

[Laughing]

[Yodeling Continues]

[Yodeling Stops]

[Whooping]

[Whistling]

[Yodeling]

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find

the friendly mountains

joining in

When your melody

Goes rollin'

'round the sky

Well you'll feel that

You're a pretty nifty guy

[Women]

Pretty nifty guy

[Woman]

Pretty nifty guy

[Virgil's Echo]

Pretty nifty guy

You there,

halt!

I just wanted

to look the place over.

It's very nice too.

Come on, Buttons.

No visitors while

our Emperor's in residence.

Is he in there now?

It's the hunting season.

When he hunts, doesn't he

come out here once in a while?

Every morning.

Early. 4:
00.

Through this gate?

Through this gate,

down that road, through

this gorge and up that mountain.

Down that road,

through that gorge

and up that mountain, huh?

With your very kind permission,

the car is boiling.

Well, don't stand there.

Get some cool water

from some brook.

With your very kind permission,

shall.

We're almost there,

Scheherazade.

You better

take her goggles off.

They give her a headache.

She's perfectly all right,

Father.

Her nose is dry and hot.

She's running a temperature.

I told you she should have

worn her blanket!

Don't be hysterical, Father.

How can I help

being hysterical?

If she should come down

with distemper...

Heaven forbid!

Relax. Breathe in

this heavenly air.

Yes, it'll do her good.

This Tyrol. It's like

a vast oxygen tent.

[Virgil Yodeling]

Listen to that yodel.

It's the voice of Austria.

Mountain-born,

deep-rooted, eternal.

[Barking]

What is it, Scheherazade?

[Yodeling Continues]

[Barking]

[Barking]

What's biting you,

anyway?

Here, Buttons.

Come here.

[Barking]

[Barking]

Scheherazade!

Catch her!

[Barking]

Come here!

Scheherazade!

[Barking]

Let her go.!

He's biting her,

he's killing her.!

Take that black beast

out of here! Whoa!

Here, here, here.

There.

Yoo-hoo.

This I find outrageous!

Small world, isn't it?

Are you following me?

No. Are you?

This is the same

objectionable American,

isn't it?

I'll take care of him.

Get Scheherazade in the car.

I'll give her some brandy.

If you don't mind,

I should like to ask you

a few questions.

You look sweet in that.

Like a piece of candy

wrapped up in tissue paper.

Exactly why are you here,

dressed like that?

If I wanted to make a deal

with the Sultan of Morocco

I'd come dressed like a dervish.

You're here on business?

They don't pay my expenses

to come up here and yodel.

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