The Emperor Waltz Page #4

Ah, yes, I've heard of that

peculiar object you're peddling.

You wish to sell it

to the Emperor?

That's right.

You're here

at His Majesty's request?

Let's not get technical.

Where are you staying?

Down in the village

at the Golden Fiddle Inn.

They have a very attractive

upstairs maid. A redhead.

Exactly how will you manage

to see His Majesty?

I shan't see him:

he's going to see me.

Or hear me.

Or rather, he's gonna

hear my machine.

Go on.

Every morning he goes out

shooting deer.

He goes out his gate,

down that gorge

and up that mountain.

One of these mornings

I shall hide behind a tree

or something,

get my machine set up

and suddenly...

[Hums

"National Emblem March"]

And then?

Once he hears it

it'll be a cinch.

He'll say, "How come

that beautiful band

is up here playing...

in these little bitty

old doggone hills of mine?

That's what he'll say?

Yes. And I shall pop from

behind my tree and say,

"Emp, that's no band,

that's a phonograph.

Come over here

and see for yourself."

Very clever.

Only it won't work.

Why won't it?

Because the Emperor will not

hear that loathsome apparatus.

Because you will not be

hiding behind any trees.

Because no tradesman can presume

on the Emperor of Austria.

Because you're to go straight

to your hotel, pack and leave

immediately, you and that dog.

Who'd gonna make us?

The police.

Like fun, they will.

I'm an American citizen:

he's an American dog.

I have a passport:

he has a dog license.

If you don't leave voluntarily,

the gendarmes will come...

and take you and your dog

by the nape of your necks

and throw you on the train.

Try anything like that

and you're gonna get

in a peck of trouble.

Don't forget that

Teddy Roosevelt

still carries a big stick.

Who carries what?

You start a fight

with me...

and he'll have the

United States Army here so fast

it'll make your head swim.

Johanna, get in the car.

Scheherazade has fainted twice.

The Army, Navy and the Marines,

You understand?

And don't forget we're building

a little something called

the Panama Canal.

What's he talking about?

You'll find out when we won't

let your ships through.

You'll have to go

all the way down

around South America.

Or else you'll have to

go all the way up north

where it's so cold that...

The first train out of here.

You, your apparatus and dog.

Especially that dog.

We'll fix you in Washington.

What we'll do

to your ambassador.

We'll boycott your product!

The Blue Danube forbidden

by act of congress!

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

Shut up!

[Knocking]

Johanna.

Come in, Father.

Aren't you getting dressed?

They're all downstairs

on the terrace.

Quiet, Father.

Have you glanced

out the window?

The Emperor has invited us

with a group that offers rather

interesting possibilities.

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing. It's Scheherazade.

What's wrong now?

The Emperor's veterinary

is with her.

- She's had a nervous breakdown.

- A nervous...

No!

A complete collapse.

They were bathing her and

she was perfectly all right...

'til she saw another dog,

a small dachshund.

She began screaming.

They tested her

with another dog,

a tiny Chihuahua:

the same hysteria.

When they brought in the

Emperor's dog to calm her,

she broke loose,

jumped through a window

and ran amok.

Apparently, she can't stand

the sight of another dog.

Has the Emperor

been told?

Not yet.

We hope the veterinary will

be able to do something.

That inconsiderate,

ungrateful black animal!

Jeopardizing

all our chances!

Come here.

The Hungarian officer

playing cards,

that's Prince stvan

Barlossy de Baloshasa.

[Johanna]

met him in Budapest.

Didn't like him very much.

Nonsense. Since then

he's inherited half of Buda

and a large part of Pest.

What have you against

the Marques Alonso Lafuente?

Which one is he?

The handsome one

with the tennis racket.

Greatest family in Andalusia.

Castles in Spain, literally.

Seven of them.

You still haven't mentioned

the best possibility.

Do you mean

Duke Ferdi Lindendorf?

No, the Princess Bitotska.

I'm thinking of you, Father.

Don't be disgusting.

She's had her one good eye

on you for years.

She's old enough

to be my mother.

She still plays tennis.

She ought to be in a wheelchair,

the arthritic old horror.

Let's go and see if that beast

of yours is feeling any better.

I repeat:
It is extremely

important that the patient

speak anything in her mind.

[Whining]

Anything at all.

We need a complete

stream of consciousness.

Is that clear?

[Whining]

Thank you very much.

Now, I would like

to know all about your dreams.

You dream,

I presume?

[Whines]

All right.

What do you dream?

[Whines]

Is it a recurrent dream?

[Whines]

Very good.

A typical anxiety dream.

What is all this, Doctor?

Please! This is

a very serious case.

Indubitably a psychoneurosis,

sometimes referred to

as a neuropsychosis.

Fortunately, I went

to the University of Vienna...

with a young doctor

by the name Freud.

He has created

a curative method:

the analysis of the psyche by

delving into the subconscious.

[Dog Whining]

Now I must ask

for your earliest recollections.

Your father and mother:

Was their home life congenial?

[Whining, Barking]

Doctor, stop torturing her.

I can tell you what's wrong.

She-She had a fight with a dog.

She did?

Twice. Once in Vienna and

once this very afternoon.

[Johanna] The same dog.

You see? That's what leads

to wrong diagnoses.

Patients withhold things.

What kind of a dog?

American.

Small, white, male.

What was his name?

Buttons.

Let's test it.

- Buttons!

- [Yelping]

Absolutely clear now.

A fear complex.

Frightened by one dog,

now afraid of all dogs.

I may kill her.

Is there a cure?

In some cases.

The patient has developed what

I and my colleague, Dr. Freud,

call a mental block.

What is the cure,

Doctor?

The frightened one

must realize she has

nothing to be afraid of.

In other words, we must

bring the two dogs together.

That's impossible.

It is imperative.

I gave orders

to have them both removed.

The man and the dog.

I may kill you.

Without the other dog,

I see very black.

Maybe it's not too late.

Come, darling,

don't tremble like that.

Don't be nervous.

Everything's going to be...

With your very kind permission,

exactly what inn was it?

The Fiddle Inn.

There are three Fiddle Inns:

the Green Fiddle,

the Golden Fiddle

and the Broken Fiddle.

How idiotic.

With your very kind permission,

the whole village is fiddles.

That's what they make here.

Fiddles.

I've got to find him

before it's too late.

[Whistling]

The American, has he left?

No, but he is leaving.

Number seven.

[Giggling]

If you do not hurry

You will miss the train.

So we miss the train. So what?

So you will be pulled

out of here by ox cart.

I think you're full of

pickled pumpernickel,

the both of you.

[Sighing]

All right, you little

bundle of joy. Come on.

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