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The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain
[ Man Narrating ] For some odd reason,
lost in the mists of time,
there`s an extraordinary
shortage of last names in Wales.
a Williams, a Jones or an Evans.
To avoid widespread confusion,
an occupation to a name.
For example, there was
Williams the Petroleum...
- and Williams the Death.
- [ Barking ]
There was Jones the Bottle
which described his hobby
and his personality.
Evans the Bacon...
and Evans the End of the World.
The Lord God tells us.
lt`s all in His book.
But one man`s name
was a puzzle.
And it wasn`t until l was ten years old
that l asked my grandfather...
about the man with the longest
and most enigmatic name of all.
The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill
But Came Down A Mountain ?
Now there`s a long name for you,
and a long story.
You are not going
to fidget, are you ?
For this is a story--
an epic story.
Yes, epic.
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Grandfather ] lt must have
been 1917, on a Sunday,
when two retired army officers
arrived in Ffynnon Garw.
The younger man, Anson,
was just startin` to enjoy life,
having recently left hospital
after service in France.
However, his superior,
George Garrad,
had been retired
to the Ordnance Survey...
in the hope that this would help
the morale of his troops,
who`d been driven to drink
by his irksome personality.
Many men had gone
to the Great War,
and the rest of the village
was in chapel.
of course.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Well, does anyone here speak English ?
Oh, English, are you ?
Huh ? Huh. That would
explain everything.
- Well, it`s Sunday.
They`re all in chapel.
- We`re just wondering if, um--
Charming.
We`ll press on, l think.
- Well, do you want
to come in or don`t you ?
[ Grandfather ] As l said, the rest
of the village was in chapel,
includin` mothers
with babies.
Since the young men went to war,
there seemed to be a lot
of ginger-haired babies.
But in those hard times,
no one seemed to mind...
except Reverend Jones,
of course.
Are all of the wicked men
just in Germany ?
Wouldn`t that be nice
if all the wicked men...
were on the battlefields
of France ?
[ Grandfather ] Oh, Reverend Jones
was in fine form that day.
Nearly every Sunday
he preached against the war...
and Morgan the Goat,
in that order,
though he never mentioned
Morgan the Goat by name, of course.
They are also among us here...
in this very village.
What`s yours ?
Well, um,
that`s very kind.
l`ll, uh, have
a pint of bitter, thank you.
[ Cock Crowing ]
Well, pleasant enough
sort of place, isn`t it ?
l suppose so,
considering it`s Wales.
A valued guest.
A regular.
Very particular.
Refined even.
[ Vehicle Approaching ]
- This is turning out to be
quite a busy spot.
- [ Horn Honking ]
[ Panting ]
Now then. Oh.
Oh, l hate the summer.
[ Morgan ] Ah, morning, Sergeant.
Morning.
My name is Garrad. George Garrad.
Uh, we`re staying here
at the inn.
l guessed that from your luggage.
English, are you ?
Looking for more coal,
l suppose.
No.
Cartographer, actually.
Yes, sort of surveyors,
if you like.
We make maps. We`re here
to measure the mountains.
Very useful, l`m sure.
l`ll have you know it`s
an important part of the war effort.
One must know
one`s terrain.
[ Morgan ] You`ve come to the right
place with your measurings.
There`s some terrain. That`s
a mountain. First mountain in Wales.
- What`s it called ?
[ Garrad Laughs ] Goodness gracious,
these Welsh names.
Would you mind
saying that again ?
''Fuh-non Gar-rue,'' man.
lt`s simple. Listen.
l`ll write it down
for you now...
so you can get it right
on your map doings.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Of course, it will only appear
if it`s over a thousand feet.
Don`t be twp, man.
That`s well over a thousand.
[ Snickers ]
Now then.
Oh, eh--
Excuse me.
- l think--
You can keep the change,
Mr. Morgan !
Thank you, Miss Elizabeth.
Thank you very much.
Ooh, that Morgan !
Look, sorry.
Could l please have a pint of bitter ?
No need to get
Hey, the English are
in the pub, and they say they
come to measure the mountain.
All this way
just to measure our mountain.
Measuring it ?
Well, who needs to know
the height of a mountain, l ask.
[ Fly Buzzing ]
- [ Garrad ] Ah-ha ! No. No.
- No, thank you. Most hospitable.
- Yes, no, no, thanks.
- Anything else l can be getting you ?
- No.
All right then. l`ll be taking the dog
for a walk. See you in the morning.
Oh, there is one thing.
l know it`s hard to find staff
in this time of war, but we will
require an assistant.
Someone quite strong,
preferably.
l think you will find that
His Majesty`s Ordnance Survey...
will provide
equitable remuneration.
They`ll pay,
but not very much.
Oh.
Well, those that aren`t
in France are down the mines.
-Of course, there`s Johnny Shellshocked.
-Sorry. Who ?
Johnny Jones, back from the war.
Gone a little doodle-alley-tap.
- He lives with his sister,
poor thing. But strong.
- Oh, l see.
As long as you don`t
expect him to talk... or think.
[ Garrad ] We will require
his services just as a porter.
[ Morgan ] Oh, well.
Johnny should be able to manage that.
- Oh, absolutely.
First thing in the morning.
He seems to have rather
an impatient dog, wouldn`t you say ?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
- [ Morgan ] Why not ?
- Because he`s not ready.
All he has to do
is hold a pole straight.
Don`t be twp. No one gets paid
for just holdin` a pole.
Unless you`re Betty
from Cardiff.
- Don`t start that again.
- Megan said she saw her,
all tarted up again
in the pub on Saturday.
She`s been advisin` me on
the refurbishment of my establishment.
Refurbishin`
your establishment !
called that before.
Mornin`, Johnny.
l got some English stayin` at the pub.
Makin` maps, daft buggers.
[ Chuckling ]
They need help, of course.
Someone to carry
what they can`t or won`t.
There`s money.
So should l tell them
you`re interested ?
Well, uh, come along
to the pub later, all right ?
Ah ! Good mornin`,
Reverend Jones.
l see God`s in His heaven
and all`s well with the world.
- Have you no shame ?
- No !
l can`t think where l`ve left it.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Reverend Jones ] When does a hill
become a mountain ?
l think it must be a comparative term.
l mean,
you take the Himalayas
of lndia.
There they have mountains of
10,000 feet which are referred
to, l believe, as foothills.
But take our mountain.
That isn`t a foothill !
Well, again, placed in the Alps, it
wouldn`t even be considered a hillock.
- But it isn`t in the Alps !
lt`s here ! Here in Wales !
- Oh, quite.
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"The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_englishman_who_went_up_a_hill_but_came_down_a_mountain_20155>.
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