The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain

[ Man Narrating ] For some odd reason,

lost in the mists of time,

there`s an extraordinary

shortage of last names in Wales.

Almost everyone seems to be

a Williams, a Jones or an Evans.

To avoid widespread confusion,

Welsh people often add

an occupation to a name.

For example, there was

Williams the Petroleum...

- and Williams the Death.

- [ Barking ]

There was Jones the Bottle

and Jones the Prize Cabbage,

which described his hobby

and his personality.

Evans the Bacon...

and Evans the End of the World.

The Lord God tells us.

lt`s all in His book.

But one man`s name

was a puzzle.

And it wasn`t until l was ten years old

that l asked my grandfather...

about the man with the longest

and most enigmatic name of all.

The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill

But Came Down A Mountain ?

Now there`s a long name for you,

and a long story.

You are not going

to fidget, are you ?

For this is a story--

an epic story.

Yes, epic.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Grandfather ] lt must have

been 1917, on a Sunday,

when two retired army officers

arrived in Ffynnon Garw.

The younger man, Anson,

was just startin` to enjoy life,

having recently left hospital

after service in France.

However, his superior,

George Garrad,

had been retired

to the Ordnance Survey...

in the hope that this would help

the morale of his troops,

who`d been driven to drink

by his irksome personality.

Many men had gone

to the Great War,

and the rest of the village

was in chapel.

All except Morgan the Goat,

of course.

[ Speaking Welsh ]

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Well, does anyone here speak English ?

[ Mutters ln Welsh ]

Oh, English, are you ?

Huh ? Huh. That would

explain everything.

- Well, it`s Sunday.

They`re all in chapel.

- We`re just wondering if, um--

Charming.

We`ll press on, l think.

- [ Anson Groans ]

- Well, do you want

to come in or don`t you ?

[ Grandfather ] As l said, the rest

of the village was in chapel,

includin` mothers

with babies.

Since the young men went to war,

there seemed to be a lot

of ginger-haired babies.

But in those hard times,

no one seemed to mind...

except Reverend Jones,

of course.

Are all of the wicked men

just in Germany ?

Wouldn`t that be nice

if all the wicked men...

were on the battlefields

of France ?

[ Grandfather ] Oh, Reverend Jones

was in fine form that day.

Nearly every Sunday

he preached against the war...

and Morgan the Goat,

in that order,

though he never mentioned

Morgan the Goat by name, of course.

They are also among us here...

in this very village.

What`s yours ?

Well, um,

that`s very kind.

l`ll, uh, have

a pint of bitter, thank you.

[ Cock Crowing ]

[ Woman ] Morgan ?

Well, pleasant enough

sort of place, isn`t it ?

l suppose so,

considering it`s Wales.

A valued guest.

A regular.

Very particular.

Refined even.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

- This is turning out to be

quite a busy spot.

- [ Horn Honking ]

[ Footfalls On The Stairs ]

[ Panting ]

Now then. Oh.

Oh, l hate the summer.

[ Morgan ] Ah, morning, Sergeant.

Morning.

My name is Garrad. George Garrad.

Uh, we`re staying here

at the inn.

l guessed that from your luggage.

English, are you ?

Looking for more coal,

l suppose.

No.

Cartographer, actually.

Yes, sort of surveyors,

if you like.

We make maps. We`re here

to measure the mountains.

Very useful, l`m sure.

l`ll have you know it`s

an important part of the war effort.

One must know

one`s terrain.

[ Morgan ] You`ve come to the right

place with your measurings.

There`s some terrain. That`s

a mountain. First mountain in Wales.

- What`s it called ?

- [ Together ] Ffynnon Garw.

[ Garrad Laughs ] Goodness gracious,

these Welsh names.

Would you mind

saying that again ?

''Fuh-non Gar-rue,'' man.

lt`s simple. Listen.

l`ll write it down

for you now...

so you can get it right

on your map doings.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Of course, it will only appear

if it`s over a thousand feet.

Don`t be twp, man.

That`s well over a thousand.

[ Snickers ]

Now then.

Oh, eh--

Excuse me.

- l think--

- You ready for another ?

You can keep the change,

Mr. Morgan !

Thank you, Miss Elizabeth.

Thank you very much.

Ooh, that Morgan !

Look, sorry.

Could l please have a pint of bitter ?

No need to get

all English about it.

Hey, the English are

in the pub, and they say they

come to measure the mountain.

All this way

just to measure our mountain.

Measuring it ?

Well, who needs to know

the height of a mountain, l ask.

[ Fly Buzzing ]

- Another drink, gentlemen ?

- [ Garrad ] Ah-ha ! No. No.

- No, thank you. Most hospitable.

- Yes, no, no, thanks.

- Anything else l can be getting you ?

- No.

All right then. l`ll be taking the dog

for a walk. See you in the morning.

Oh, there is one thing.

l know it`s hard to find staff

in this time of war, but we will

require an assistant.

Someone quite strong,

preferably.

l think you will find that

His Majesty`s Ordnance Survey...

will provide

equitable remuneration.

They`ll pay,

but not very much.

Oh.

Well, those that aren`t

in France are down the mines.

-Of course, there`s Johnny Shellshocked.

-Sorry. Who ?

Johnny Jones, back from the war.

Gone a little doodle-alley-tap.

- He lives with his sister,

poor thing. But strong.

- Oh, l see.

As long as you don`t

expect him to talk... or think.

[ Garrad ] We will require

his services just as a porter.

[ Morgan ] Oh, well.

Johnny should be able to manage that.

- Perhaps we could meet him.

- Oh, absolutely.

First thing in the morning.

He seems to have rather

an impatient dog, wouldn`t you say ?

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

- [ Morgan ] Why not ?

- Because he`s not ready.

All he has to do

is hold a pole straight.

Don`t be twp. No one gets paid

for just holdin` a pole.

Unless you`re Betty

from Cardiff.

- Don`t start that again.

- Megan said she saw her,

all tarted up again

in the pub on Saturday.

She`s been advisin` me on

the refurbishment of my establishment.

Refurbishin`

your establishment !

l`ve never heard it

called that before.

[ Clapping Hands ]

Mornin`, Johnny.

l got some English stayin` at the pub.

Makin` maps, daft buggers.

[ Chuckling ]

They need help, of course.

Someone to carry

what they can`t or won`t.

There`s money.

So should l tell them

you`re interested ?

Well, uh, come along

to the pub later, all right ?

Ah ! Good mornin`,

Reverend Jones.

l see God`s in His heaven

and all`s well with the world.

- Have you no shame ?

- No !

l can`t think where l`ve left it.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Reverend Jones ] When does a hill

become a mountain ?

l think it must be a comparative term.

l mean,

you take the Himalayas

of lndia.

There they have mountains of

10,000 feet which are referred

to, l believe, as foothills.

But take our mountain.

That isn`t a foothill !

Well, again, placed in the Alps, it

wouldn`t even be considered a hillock.

- But it isn`t in the Alps !

lt`s here ! Here in Wales !

- Oh, quite.

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