The Entertainer Page #2

The girls, the glamorous gorgeous girls,

have got me

All right, Nicky?

- Hey.

- Take her up.

- Jean!

- Hello, Frank.

Nice to see you, love.

- Got a holiday?

- Sort of. I've just seen Granddad.

Dad's on.

As you may possibly have guessed.

- He'll be off in a minute, though.

- OK.

But it's when she'd gone and left me

That I started to say good night

(thin applause)

- Can't be anyone in front tonight.

- Look who's here.

Hello, Jean!

This is nice.

I haven't got my glasses on.

I know. You thought I was

the income tax man.

- All right, are you?

- Fine.

Hide your face, Mum,

the girls have got him

He won't be home for an hour or two

He's got all sorts of nice things to do

They've got him

worked up in such a state

Hide your face, Mum

The girls, the glamorous gorgeous girls,

have got him now

(applause)

(applause peters out)

- How's it going?

- First house about 60 sad little drabs.

- Tonight about 200 sad little drabs.

- Excuse me.

Frank! I'd like to see you.

If we go on next week, it will be by very

reluctant agreement of 20 angry people.

- Have you been home?

- No, not yet.

- I ought to have warned Phoebe.

- Not to worry. You can have Mick's room.

- How is Mick? Have you heard from him?

- Yes. He's just twiddling his thumbs.

It's hot, he says. Not one for subtle detail.

- Kids say if they aren't paid they'll quit.

- Well, let 'em.

Go and get a couple of bottles.

I'm going to have a celebration.

- Of what?

- My 20th anniversary.

Of not paying income tax.

You go with him, love.

I'll meet you at Buckingham Palace.

I've got a couple of people to see.

- Good night, Frank.

- (wolf-whistles)

(classical music)

- Did you see Ree?

- Better get some lolly for her.

Here's your week.

It's not so hot.

(sighs)

- Want one?

- I don't think I'd better, had I?

- Uh-oh.

- Well? What about it?

I'll just be five minutes.

I've got to listen to the news.

- I'm not leaving this theatre without it.

- Just five minutes.

(radio) There'll be another programme

in this series next week.

The eleven-o'clock news summary

follows almost at once.

(pips)

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the

summary of the news. First of all, Suez.

A number of British paratroopers

are reported to have been captured.

Names will be withheld

until the next of kin have been informed.

The House of Commons is debating

the situation in the Middle East tomorrow.

Latest reports were considered

at a cabinet meeting this afternoon.

Oh, this is nice! What a shame - if I'd

known I could have been back earlier,

but I saw a bit of the picture round again.

- What was it like?

- Wasn't up to much.

They're showing

a lot of rubbish these days.

They're going to close it down.

Everything's doing badly.

- That's what worries Archie.

- Good night, Mum. See you, Jeano.

- Where are you off to?

- He's got an extra job.

He's playing the piano in one of these

late-night drinking places.

- It is lovely to see her, isn't it, Dad?

- Yes.

He's pleased. He doesn't have

anyone much to talk to, do you?

He won't come to the pictures with me.

He likes to listen to a play on the wireless.

- (shouts) You like a nice play!

- I can't sit for long.

- I'm all right.

- I'm at Woolworth's now. Did I tell you?

I'm on the electrical counter.

Not bad. Girls are a bit common.

- It is nice to see you.

- Archie says you've heard from Mick.

Yes, he's out there. You think

he's going to be all right, don't you?

Why do they send these boys out?

They're just kids. That's all he is, a kid.

- They do look after them, don't they?

- Oh yes, they look after them all right.

They look after them better now

than they did. The Dardanelles.

I went through that without a scratch.

Not a scratch on me.

Aye aye. I've just been talking

to our coloured friend on the stairs.

- He's a student.

- No, he's a ballet dancer.

Is he? He's a big fellow.

- Playing the Winter Gardens.

- Ballet dancer?

He says if you drop your hat

outside there,

kick it all the way to the promenade

before you pick it up.

- There's a telegram come for you.

- Don't you think she's looking peaky?

- There's a telegram come for you!

- It's probably one of my creditors.

Good girl.

You remembered Phoebe's Dubonnet.

She likes that. Don't you? She thinks

she's being awfully U when she drinks it.

Well, I like it. It seems to soothe me.

- Was it all right at the theatre?

- No, it was not all right at the theatre.

Have your Dubonnet, dear.

Jean, that's yours.

- Billy, wake up!

- I am awake.

- Well, stop yelling, then. Here's a drink.

- I don't want it.

Yes, you do. Don't argue.

I'm having a celebration.

- What have you got to celebrate about?

- Oh, dear.

Not a thing you can call your own,

and as sure as God made little apples

I'll lay a sovereign to a penny piece

you'll be bankrupt before Christmas.

And you'll be lucky not to end up in jail.

- Get him to go to bed.

- Go to bed. You're overtired.

I'm not overtired. I don't relish

the idea of a jailbird in the family.

Shut up, Dad.

You've had too much to drink.

I used to have half a bottle

of brandy for breakfast.

And a pound of steak

and a couple of chorus girls.

I leave chorus girls to you. Do you know

what James Agate said about me?

That you and Pat Campbell were

his favourite female impersonators.

You know bloody well what he said.

We all know what he said

and every word of it was true.

Your daughter went to that

Trafalgar Square circus last Sunday.

Did you really? Are you one of those

who don't like the prime minister?

I've grown fond of him.

Does he bring you out in spots?

- I wish I knew what was going to happen.

- I feel like that about that dog downstairs.

- What is going to happen?

- Three things do that to me.

- Nuns, clergymen and dogs.

- I don't want to always have to work.

You want a bit of life before it's all over.

Takes the gilt off if you've got to go on

and on until they carry you out in a box.

- Did I tell you my nun story?

- It's all right for him.

He still has his women.

While it lasts, anyway.

But I don't want to end up

being lain out by some stranger

in some rotten little street in Gateshead or

West Hartlepool or another of those holes.

Phoebe, don't upset yourself.

Let's enjoy ourselves.

Do you think I don't want to enjoy myself?

(wails)

I wish women wouldn't cry.

I wish they wouldn't.

- Say something to her, Jean.

- Why don't you?

I wish I could. I only wish I could.

Phoebe...

Phoebe, dear,

would you like to go to bed?

Yes, I think I will if you don't mind, dear.

I think perhaps I've overdone it a bit.

I never could stand too much excitement.

And I'm worrying about Mick underneath.

I keep thinking about all that fighting.

Get some sleep.

You'll feel better when you wake up.

Yes, dear.

- Would you come and say good night?

- Yes, I'm just finishing my celebration.

- He's funny.

- Good night, son.

- Good night.

- Good night, Jean.

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