The Entertainer Page #3

It was good seeing you.

We'll have a good talk tomorrow.

- Dad?

- Yeah?

You're keeping something to yourself.

- You never miss a trick.

- What is it?

Mick's been taken prisoner.

No point in breaking it tonight.

I think I'd like some of that.

We'll drink to Mick.

Let's hope to God he manages.

Mick. And... the income tax man.

With you it's prime ministers.

With me it's dogs.

Nuns, clergymen and dogs.

Did I ever tell you the greatest

compliment I ever had paid me?

I was walking along the promenade

somewhere. I think it was here, actually.

One day...

25 years ago.

I was quite a young man.

There I was walking along the promenade

to meet what I think we used to call

a piece of crackling...

when two nuns came toward me.

Two nuns.

Talk to me.

(yelling and shrieking)

(puppet) Get down. Get downstairs.

Get down there.

- Jean.

- There's nothing fresh.

It's the same description

as we heard on the news.

You'd think those rogues in Parliament

were glad our boys were taken prisoner.

Their own country always wrong

and the other lot's always right.

Dad, we're worried enough as it is.

It says "Lt Pearson, who had been with

Sgt Rice shortly before he was captured,

said he killed at least seven attackers

before he was overwhelmed."

"'He must have run out of ammunition,'

he said. 'Rice wasn't the type..."'

Don't go on.

I just can't bear to think about it.

I fried these up for your breakfast.

They don't look very nice. I'm sorry.

Never mind. I'm not really hungry.

- Where's Frank?

- He went to the theatre.

Said he wouldn't be in for breakfast.

- Where's Dad?

- Out. He had a call from the town hall.

- Sit down?

- No, thanks, Granddad.

About the bathing beauty competition.

He'll be in his element.

Bathing beauties? Haven't got the figures

nowadays. They're all skin and bone.

What'll he do after this?

Is he really trying to put on another show?

I don't know how, after that last business.

He's still a bankrupt.

You knew that. I have to sign everything

for him. He can't get any credit.

Still, he could always twist me

round his little finger.

He won't listen to me.

He spends half his time in that Rockcliffe.

That damned meat market

by the clock tower.

- How'd you do that?

- How'd I pay income tax 20 years ago?

Pure bad luck. I was trapped

in a hospital with a double hernia.

Very nasty it was. I thought all my plans

for the future were going to be finished.

That's another story

I'll tell you sometime.

There I was lying on my back

wondering whether draught Bass alone

was enough to make life worth living...

Arnold, five more.

...when two men sprang at me

from behind the screens.

That was Archie's one downfall.

I think the ward sister tipped them off.

She used to tell me she was spiritual.

I'd gone legit just then

and I was in A Tale Of Two Cities.

When I told her, she said

"I've heard of that." She was Irish.

"Isn't that about Sodom and Gomorrah?"

Hey, Harold. Can I have a word?

Harold, how about...

How about a booking?

At the Winter Garden,

when the season's over?

What do you have in mind?

Something lavish. A couple of top-liners.

I've got hold of those costumes

from Syd Stein's Blackpool show.

- Fabulous stuff.

- Leave it alone.

I was having a drink with

Doreen Maine's agent last Thursday.

Doreen Maine. You know. One of her

records hit the top ten. Last February.

- I'd like to do you a favour.

- I'm not asking any favours.

- What management?

- Me.

- Are you really serious?

- Serious? You don't understand.

- I need this booking. I really need it.

- I'd have to see the show first.

- I've got to open somewhere.

- Now, Archie.

We've had some laughs.

Let's leave it like that.

With a booking like this

I could break the circuits.

You know me.

I only deal with established properties.

I'm asking you as a friend.

You know my office. If you've got a

concrete proposition I'm ready to listen.

Sorry about that, Harold.

Worrying about young Mick, I dare say.

That's all right, Archie.

Well, I must rush now, boys.

The call of the bathing belle competition.

- I'm judging the finals.

- I thought Wally Barker was.

He dropped out,

so they sent for the expert.

Mind you, they don't understand

the business in this country.

On the Continent

they put the girls up for auction.

Did I tell you about the chap

who'd take out a pen... Sorry, too late.

- So long, Frank.

- So long.

- Can I help you, darling?

- I'm looking for Mr Rice.

- I'm his daughter.

- Which one are you?

The one born yesterday?

As a matter of fact, she is my sister.

Oh.

Sorry.

Jean! Jean.

- Now listen, he didn't mean anything.

- I know what he meant.

- Who is he?

- The new manager of the Winter Garden.

- I wouldn't trust him behind a curtain...

- With his feet showing. As Dad says.

- Why does he go on with it?

- Who, Dad?

In the blood, I suppose. Yours too, I'll bet.

- I wish sometimes he'd face up to reality.

- I don't think he faces up to much else.

He knows music hall's dying

better than you do.

And what about you, Frank?

Are you going on with it?

Talent got a bit thin

when it come down to me.

- And the courage too.

- Courage?

Yeah. Courage to go on.

Like Archie. He's got it.

- Walk to the Winter Garden with me.

- Why?

I'm standing in for the lady horganist

for half a hour. Come on.

(organ music)

Course Granddad had the real talent.

He had what it takes.

People still remember him.

They stop him in the street.

He's about all that's left of all that

music-hall stuff and all them other things.

Still, as Phoebe always says...

- Better to be a has-been...

- Than a never-was.

It must have been

better than this, anyway.

Something's missing, isn't it?

(Scottish accent)

Mrs Sandy MacPherson calls.

You'll be late for the beauty competition.

I'll see you.

(organ music)

(Archie over PA)

Miss Vicky Thelwell of Leeds.

She likes weightlifting and dislikes

men with beards. Has no hobbies.

What about her, eh? She needs some

beef putting into her, if you ask me.

Nobody's asked me. Never mind.

Miss Anne Thomlinson of Heysham.

Likes steak, dislikes getting up

in the morning, and has no hobbies.

Miss Shirley Lawrence from Ripon.

She likes midnight swimming and

dislikes wolves and her hobby is sailing.

Now Miss Joyce Richards from Heysham.

She likes weightlifting and dislikes

men drivers and she's got no hobbies.

- (wolf-whistle) She's a smasher.

- Give over, Father.

Don't look so worried. Your old man may

be square, but he still loves the curves.

- How about that for a bit of Pi R squared?

- Where did they dig him up?

- Hello. Hello, Granddad.

- Hello, dear.

You've missed most of it. This is

the final walk-round. Archie's been good.

- Yes, I was watching from the back.

- He hasn't said a word about Mick all day.

He's worried about him.

That's why I came out.

- To take my mind off it.

- She's pretty.

And now Miss Tina Lapford from Burnley.

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