The Entertainer Page #4

She likes meeting people. Dislikes

sarcasm. Hobbies: Amateur dramatics.

(wolf-whistle)

Whoo!

- I wonder which he's picked for himself?

- Hold your bloody noise.

Doesn't like me talking about it.

As if she doesn't know!

- There's no reason to talk about it.

- She's not soft. Are you, dear?

I don't want hear about it

and I shouldn't think Jean does.

And now, before our distinguished judges

make their final selection,

these lovely girls are going to line up

for you so you can make yours.

I've made mine. Of course this is

a very tense moment, very tense indeed.

The judges have

an elaborate system of marking.

They're marked "good",

"very good" and "wow".

There you are, boys.

Aren't they gorgeous?

Come on, boys. That'll take the tops

off your boiled eggs for you.

If I mention the women, it's because it's

always been the same thing with them.

Still, I suppose it's different with men.

More important to them.

- Will you hold your bloody noise?

- Why don't you?

Now the moment you've all been waiting

for - the judges' final announcement.

For the third prize we have

Miss Joyce Richards of Heysham.

- Just 19 and very nice too.

- (applause)

Thank you.

To present the prizes, I have the great

honour and pleasure to introduce to you

that great star of TV, stage, screen and

labour exchange, Mr MacDonald Hobley.

Congratulations to you.

And the second place, Miss Tina Lapford

from Burnley. Age 20 and very nice too.

I'd vote for her.

Oh, no. Don't think much of her.

Good luck to you.

(organ plays)

- All yours, Mac.

- Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the cheque for 1,000

and the holder of the title

of Miss Great Britain

is Valerie Martin from Salisbury.

Listen. You two wait here while I

try and find Archie before the big rush.

They'll be starting the photographs soon.

- And you behave yourself.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Beauty competition? I can't tell the

women from the men, not from the back.

Even from the front

you have to take a good look sometimes.

You look thirsty.

How about having a drink with me?

I can't because I've got my mum with me.

- Bring her along too.

- Really?

- Of course. Is she here?

- Come over and meet her.

- I'd love to. Is she pretty?

- No!

- She must be.

- No, she's not a bit. Mum!

This is Mr Rice. He wanted to meet you.

This is my mum, Mrs Lapford.

Go and get changed

and then you won't get cold.

I thought they'd never decide.

I'm not saying that because of Tina.

Second prize is better than no prize.

- Everyone said it should have been first.

- What did they see in that girl?

- Archie?

- A lot of the girls were extremely ladylike.

But that one?

The one that won first prize?

I'm sorry, I shall just have to say it.

She was just common.

That's all I can say. Just common.

I knew our Tina had it in her

when she was a little girl.

She was always doing impersonations.

Weren't you?

- Oh, that.

- "Oh, that?"

Film stars. Veronica Lake she used to do.

And Donald Duck.

And... who else did you do, love?

- I don't remember. I was only a little kid.

- I knew she had it in her then.

That's why she had elocution lessons.

She started those before school.

She's worked hard.

Of course she's got her head screwed on.

You'll have seen that. You see, she wants

to get on, so I'm quite sure she will.

All she needs is a little push.

When you see some of those girls

on television... honest.

You're right, Mrs... Lapford.

I think... Tina, your Tina,

could easily go places in a big way.

It's just a question of the breaks,

as you say.

Now, I'm just wondering.

You see, I have a new show opening

at the Winter Garden, actually.

The Winter Garden? Have you?

Yes. You see, it's an expensive show.

Doreen Maine and thousands

of pounds' worth of costumes.

It's quite a proposition.

It just might be the right break for Tina.

- You're late.

- I'm sorry. I got held up.

- Had to sort out some scenery.

- Why'd you want to meet in this dump?

- We can have a drink in the caravan.

- What caravan?

I'll show you.

Friend of mine owns a site.

There.

I thought we could be alone

for the afternoon.

OK?

OK.

Don't worry.

- How do you feel?

- I feel...

- Happy, I suppose.

- So do I.

I've never been as happy as this.

Have you?

No, I don't think I have.

I've only ever had a young boyfriend.

- Not used to the old crocks, then?

- Don't be so daft.

I mean, I've never made love.

Not like this afternoon.

Haven't you?

Do you think I'm in love with you?

- You tell me.

- Yes.

Yes, I think I must be.

What was your wife like, Archie?

She was...

a bit difficult to describe.

Didn't you get on very well?

Well, yeah, well...

She didn't really approve of

the way I carried on, you see.

- What do you mean?

- Well...

She didn't think I took life seriously.

Why should you take life seriously?

What good does it do you?

I think you look smashing

when you're on the stage.

- Where are your children, then?

- The girl's in London.

One of the boys is in the army.

Hey.

What time have we got to meet

your mum and dad?

Half past five.

I'd better get dressed, hadn't I?

Yeah.

I can't wait to be in the new show.

Dad'll help with the money.

He's driving over today to talk about it.

So don't worry. Mum'll fix that.

Oh, Archie. You make me feel so good.

You do, really.

There's something... I don't know...

marvellous about you.

- Did you ever want to get married again?

- No.

- Never met anyone, I suppose.

- That's right.

(radio) Here is a summary of the news.

The War Office announced that

Sgt Michael Rice was being released

after negotiations which began

at 11 o'clock this morning.

Sgt Rice is reported to be fit and well.

An allocated aircr...

What is it, eh?

Tell me, Archie. What is it?

What?

What's that

that makes you so marvellous?

Say you love me, Archie.

I love you.

Home in a few days! I can't believe it.

I knew they wouldn't keep him.

They wouldn't dare. Even nowadays.

I hope it's true and nothing will go wrong.

You do talk the most almighty rubbish.

They say they've got

an aeroplane standing by.

I don't want Archie to be disappointed

on top of everything else.

You should never build things up.

You're always disappointed.

That's Archie's trouble. Always builds

things up. Always off on some new idea.

- And he said...

- I say, he's the limit.

- Wait a minute.

- Sorry, go on.

He said "Why do they call it

the Cat-Rice Inn?"

He said "By the time the cats are finished

chasing the electric saucer of milk,

it's turned into a rice pudding."

That one's not so good,

but I got it from my landlady.

It's not the only thing I got off her.

I haven't laughed so much in a long time.

You know that boy they took prisoner?

His name's Rice. Did you see the papers?

I heard it on the radio. Another cup?

- I don't mind if I do.

- Hold on. I'm mother.

Now it's time we got down to business,

as the bishop said...

- To the actress. I know.

- Don't worry, Archie.

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