The Escort Page #2

---

Pervert?

You're the hooker.

Escort.

Is your name even Victoria?

What do you think?

For what it's worth,

everything else I told you

was true.

Yeah, even the Stanford thing?

Everything.

All right.

How are you?

Fine.

I need the obituary

for Dr. Filler

and Elaine Ackerton.

Yeah, got that right here.

Um, Filler, Ackerton.

There you go.

I can always count

on you, Mitch.

And hey, can you stop

by my office in about ten?

I want to run

something by you.

Yeah, sure. Is it

about getting new computers?

Because I think

that would really...

boost morale.

There is no easy way

to say this,

but you know

how you're currently

an employee of the company?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

You're not going to be

when you leave this office.

Um, but you just said

everything was all right.

Interesting. No.

I just needed you

to come to my office,

and I didn't want you to think

I was firing you.

But I'm the best journalist

you have on the team.

You even said

to me last week,

"Mitch, you're the best

journalist we have on the team,"

so I'm just a little confused

as to--

If it makes you feel

any better,

this decision had nothing to do

with merit.

Uh, then--then--then what?

If I let Patty go,

here comes the ageism lawsuit.

If I fire Darnell...

Well, you can connect the dots.

And I was very clear

about not f***ing the interns.

You know, that guy

is a slimy f***ing bastard.

He's lucky

I don't rip his head off.

Told him not to act like a big

swinging dick with you around,

or you'd shove it

right back up his ass.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Don, you've met

my cousin Mitch, right?

- The sex addict dude?

- Yup.

Just taking a little survey.

- Well, have fun with that.

- Thanks, bud.

I'll talk to you soon.

That how you like being known?

The only reason

that's my rep

is 'cause you

tell people that.

How do you think

small talk works?

When there's an awkward silence,

what else do you expect me

to say?

Like, anything else.

Seriously, anything else.

You know, I used to think

any guy would be

a sex addict if he could,

and now that I know one,

it's--it's real,

and it is scary.

Look,

are we getting lunch or what?

I'm just saying, Mitch,

you're 27 years old.

You're unemployed,

no money, no girlfriend.

You don't talk

to anyone anymore.

I'm talking to you

right now, aren't I?

There are 20 billion people

in the world.

I don't think that's true.

Mitch, I'm your only friend.

Do you know how much pressure

that puts me under?

Look, man, I don't get

on your ass for going

to all those dubstep concerts

you're way too old for.

I'm right in the middle

of the demographic!

Okay, what you did to me

and Allie

the other night

really made us look bad,

and the Mitch I used to know

would never have bailed

like that.

Clearly, you've got

something going on.

If you're not

working right now,

maybe it's time

to get some help.

- Are you hungry?

- Yeah, that's why I'm here.

- You said, "Let's get lunch."

- Why do you keep putting?

Because you kept

putting on your tie.

I'm sure I don't have

to tell you how tough it is

in the newspaper business

right now.

Our only hope is if something

should happen to the Internet,

something like, say,

a solar flare event

that knocks out

all the electricity,

then we'd be in business.

We can only hope.

So is there,

like, a job opening?

Nothing.

Our numbers are tight as is.

Unless you could work for free,

I don't really see

how we would make it work.

You won't work for free,

will you?

No.

Um, this is Mission Magazine.

We don't cover obituaries

and local interest.

Right, well, sure,

I covered obituaries,

but I also wrote features

for other sections as well.

They're--they're on there.

"Finding the right

gastroenterologist for you"?

Believe it or not,

a reader wrote in

actually saying how that article

saved her life, so, I mean,

I kind of feel good

about that one.

You know what,

thank you for coming in,

but I just don't think I see

anything here that indicates

your sensibilities

would resonate with our readers.

But thanks.

Well, thanks.

Thanks for your time.

You know what?

Just give me a shot.

I'll write something on spec,

something your audience

would actually read.

What do you have to lose?

I have an open position,

but I've got two writers

writing something for it,

so I can throw you into the mix,

but you are going to need

to write something

that I can actually print.

I can't publish "What Using

the Semicolon Says about You."

Yeah, no--no more semicolons.

We're gonna--we're gonna write

something interesting here.

Uh, should I leave this here?

No, I think I've seen enough.

Why you make me

track you down like a criminal?

Junior, hey, you know,

I was just about

to stop by your apartment.

You stop nowhere.

Rent is due by the end

of this week,

and you still haven't paid me

in full for last month.

And I was just about to--

Look, I'm not gonna play this

game with you no more, cabrn.

You pay the rent by Friday,

or I'll evict you,

and I'll take whatever stuff

you have in there

that looks...

nice to me.

That's expensive stuff.

If you can afford milk

of coconuts

like some prince,

you can afford

to pay the rent.

Should I assume I'm not gonna

see that back, or...

It's yours, yup.

Hey, man, do you happen

to know a regular here

by the name of Victoria?

She comes around a lot.

You a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

'Cause if you're a cop,

you got to tell me.

I mean, I don't--

I don't think that's true,

but, no, I'm not a cop.

Prove it.

I mean,

I just said I'm not a cop.

I don't know what more I can do.

You know, certain women,

they have their clients

take out their junk

just to prove

that they're not a cop.

So why don't you

show me a ball?

That should do it.

I'm not gonna take

my balls out

in the middle of the bar,

man.

I said one ball.

Look, this is getting weird.

I just--can you just tell me

if Victoria--

- Forget it, pig.

- Yeah, f*** this.

You're not gonna

pay for this?

Victoria?

Or whatever your real name is.

Oh, God, are you, like,

one of those guys

that's seen Pretty Woman

too many times?

I've never seen Pretty Woman.

I don't believe you.

Of course

I've seen Pretty Woman.

Who hasn't seen

Pretty Woman?

It's Gere and Roberts

at their finest.

It's a great movie.

Wait, I just have to ask

you something.

Look, I'm not

trying to save you

or sleep with you,

for that matter.

Oh.

All I want to do

is write a story,

an interesting one,

and I think you have that.

Well, that's great,

so my family

can find out

I'm an escort

on some idiot's Tumblr.

No, no, no, look,

it's not for a blog.

It's for, like,

a legit magazine.

Well, let me see a card.

Well, I don't technically

work for them yet.

- This is my application piece.

- You're full of sh*t.

Usual--vodka, rocks,

two limes.

You know this guy's a cop?

- Oh, my God.

- You're a cop?

- I'm not a cop.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes