The Ex

( soft rock music playing )

# Well, here's a little game

for you and I #

# I'll give it a try #

# To play until

the blue skies fade #

# I'll take

the shade tree #

# All you have to do

is sit and smile #

# That sounds worthwhile #

# And imagine the future

of my baby and me #

# All we need #

# Is an afternoon

of skipping through the mind #

# And I know we'll find #

# We're two of a kind #

# Now here's a little game

for you to play #

# What kind

would you say? #

# A sort of a puzzle

as you soon will see #

# Now you've

intrigued me #

# All you have to do

is add things up #

# Sounds simple enough #

# And imagine what

one plus one plus one #

# Will be #

# All we need #

# Is an afternoon

of skipping through the mind #

# And soon

you will find #

# We're three of a kind. #

- "Nigel"?

- No.

"Leonard." That's cute.

That's so cute! We have a little fat kid

that likes internet porn.

Let's come up with our own name.

We don't need the book.

Like "Apple"

or "Destiny's Child."

- I'll tell you what...

- ( bell dings )

Honey, will you run in the kitchen

and get me my toast?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

The book says it's important

to have a name for the child

before the child is born.

Oh, that book.

You've got to relax with that book.

You're obsessed.

Honey, you know

doing research

makes me feel

more comfortable.

Speaking of which,

I've decided not to do an epidural.

- What?

- Yep.

Apparently, natural childbirth's

better for the baby.

But everybody says

the pain is unbearable.

I'm a tough girl.

I can handle it.

Whatever is best

for baby Big Nose.

Big Nose?

Oh, sorry, that's just the name

that popped into my head

when I was looking

at you.

Oh, that's very funny.

That's very funny.

- ( kissing )

- Honey, please!

You're going

to make me pee!

Whoa, whoa.

Look at the time. I gotta go.

- Promotion day.

- Good luck, sweetheart.

- Hey. I love you.

- I love you more.

Tom! Tom!

Tom Reilly.

How the hell are you, man?

What's going on?

Good, Forrest.

How are you?

The last time I saw you,

you were with Sofia Kowalski.

Yeah, we got married actually.

Way to go, man.

You know, I was never one

of the people that said

she was out of your league.

In their face, right?

Yeah.

- We're about to have a baby.

- Congratulations. That's fantastic.

Yeah, good stuff. My wife and I

just did that deal in December.

Kids are expensive

as hell, though.

I just made SVP

at Armstrong.

Making 500 grand a year

and we're barely making ends meet.

We just got a beach house

in the Hamptons.

- Oh.

- Piece of advice--

you want

the most blowj*bs ever?

- Please.

- Get your wife a beach house.

- Oh.

- I'm serious. I can't keep her off my junk.

I'll have

to remember that.

Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime.

We'll go sailing.

- I'll bring my yacht!

- Even better.

$500,000 a year.

Can you believe that?

I went to school

with this idiot.

He's one of the stupidest

people I ever met.

Where did I go wrong?

- Dude, you're a cook.

- I know.

I should have become

a hedge-fund guy.

I'd be getting BJs

out in East Hampton.

Okay, people!

A lot of hungry stockbrokers up there.

They're counting on you.

What's wrong?

Somebody left a bunch

of salmon out overnight.

Leon's docking

everybody's pay.

- That's ridiculous.

- You gotta talk to him, Tom.

No, no, no, no, no,

not me this time, guys. Sorry.

Tommy, you're the only

guy that can stand up to him.

Paco, my wife's about

to have a baby. I need this promotion.

This guy's going

to dock our pay, man.

Let's go, ladies!

I don't pay you

to stand around all day.

Hey, Summers, I need you

to work on Sunday, okay?

Leon, my sister's getting married

on Sunday, remember?

Well, you know what? You gotta tell me

that when I'm making out the schedule.

- I can't keep track of everyone's social life.

- I did tell you.

- I'll sub for him, Leon.

- Paco, silencio.

Summers, I'm sorry.

You got to be here Sunday.

That's it.

I don't make the rules.

Oh, wait.

Yes, I do.

You got something to say, Reilly?

I'd love to hear it.

Leon,

you're an a**hole.

And you're fired.

- What?

- Adios, mijo.

You heard me, Banderas.

Hit the road.

Go on back to your 10-family shack

and watch Telemundo all day.

I don't give a sh*t,

all right?

Okay, we both got

a little carried away.

I admit it.

You admit it.

Let's just have a cool-down period, okay?

Do you want to use my apron?

I can get most

of that off.

Are you kidding me? You don't

hit a guy with a pork chop!

( clamoring )

- Tom:
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

- Leon:
Come on!

- We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry.

- You're fired too.

Uh-huh!

Forrest, here's some pork,

on the house.

How's the ahi?

Sofia:

Oh, I'm so fat.

Sofia:

Oh, I'm so fat.

( grunts )

Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmy.

I see you.

I have too much to do

before I gotta get out of here.

Kimmy:
Hey, Sof',

can I ask you something?

Do you really think you can

raise a kid on Tom's salary?

He's getting promoted

to head lunch-chef.

We're gonna be fine.

I have to say, I have a hard time

seeing you as a housewife.

I am not going to

be a housewife.

I'm going to be

a full-time mom.

Of course, yeah.

( gasps )

What?

- ( cell phone rings )

- Don't worry about it, man.

Hello.

Now?

It's a setback, baby,

but we're gonna get through this.

The important thing

is that we have

a beautiful, perfect,

handsome baby boy, right?

And we love each other.

Right?

Do you remember how we decided

that I was gonna stay home with our baby

and you were gonna

support us?

Sofia, it was the principle of the thing.

You should have seen this guy.

It's always

"the principle of the thing."

First, it was

the museum job,

but then you didn't want to turn into

a pretentious social climber.

Then you become

a magazine writer,

which lasts until you tell

your editor he's a whore.

Not an actual whore, Sofia.

A whore to the entertainment industry.

You speak your mind and you can

smell bullshit a mile away,

and that's what

I love about you,

but sooner or later,

people make compromises.

They don't like what they do.

They hate their boss.

They're bored most of the time.

It's what having a job is.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well,

what if this whole thing

was a message from God?

What do you think God's

trying to tell us?

Maybe he's trying to tell us

that it's time for us

to move out

of New York City.

I could finally take your dad

up on his job offer.

I think Ohio will be the best place

to raise a baby.

We have your parents

to help us out.

You always said you didn't want

to work in an office.

But now all I care about

is taking care of you and him.

Okay?

Besides,

I think advertising

will be a pretty great job

to have, right?

Think up ideas all day long,

get paid for it?

- We could have a house and a car.

- ( siren blaring )

- It would be a lot quieter.

- Yes.

We could have a yard.

That's what

I'm talking about, baby--

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