The Extendables

---

Hi.

The question I get asked,

more than any other by far is,

what's it like to

work with So-and-So.

The answers are often

interchangeable general compliments

that give little,

if any information

about the actual experience.

What is it really like to

work with Sylvester Stallone?

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Steven Segal?

What is it like

to work with JCVD?

The title for this movie

could have been WILT WW.

What's it like to work with...

This movie isn't

going to tell you.

It's going to show you my

impression of what it's like

to be on the set with So-and-So.

We've combined traits of

these action stars and

a few others into one

fictional character.

The great Vardell Duseldorfer.

His friends simply call him VD.

Much of what you're about to

see, I actually witnessed.

And as they say on TV, the

names have been changed

so the guilty won't sue you.

And so, to my aforementioned

muses, thank you.

Now, let's find out what it's

like to work with So-and-So.

Welcome to Excess Hollywood!

Excess Hollywood

Lots of dirt, no cleanup!

I'm your host, Tara Grey.

On the comeback trail,

the great Vardell Duseldorfer.

His adoring fans who often

contract his

uberlong name to VD,

some things defy explanation.

But one thing is for sure,

his fans do love him.

I love VD.

I've been

a fan of VD for 17 years.

Keep it

comin', stay off the hook,

stay hot with the people,

this how we do it!

To have VD is to love VD.

I've been a VD fan for 52 years.

You can say what

you want about Vardell,

but he got where he is

because of one reason.

He's the great VD.

My momma

told me that VD was a disease.

Duseldorfer, number, number one!

The embarrassed

ubernatorial has wandered

once again in front of a camera.

Uzbekistan apparently

wishes to play host to VD,

and welcomes him with open arms,

if not a nice, warm petri dish.

What might the Uzbekis expect?

Well, let's hear from some stars

who've had some

experience with VD.

Mr. Kove?

I don't kiss and tell.

Especially when it involves

something as personal as VD.

I know, how

about a Herculean quote

from Mr. Kevin Sorbo himself.

Working and Duseldorfer.

It's kind of an oxymoron.

Or a moron disguised as an ox.

No, don't, don't use that one.

I got a better one.

Working with Duseldorfer.

It was sort of like

juggling water.

You never really get

the balls in the air

and you have to

clean up afterwards.

Oh, nice shot, Kevin.

Who would have thought that

the former bodybuilder's

small...

Time in office would be

punctuated a maid escapade.

I was just trying to show her

how to work off the large fold

of fat the tummy bellyflap.

And it just slipped in!

Yeah it was accident!

And poof, it made a baby!

F*** you, Tara.

We can support

his support of moms,

and public breastfeeding.

More public breastfeeding!

But what about his

bill to get goldfish,

yes, uh-huh, goldfish

in every home?

Not the goldfish!

Goldfish propagation

reduces the greenhouse gases

and helps the children relax!

You made goldfish dirty.

The movie that

made him go into politics

in the first place was

that Fascist Time Machine

wreck that detonated more

than his fragile career.

That was the director's fault!

So can dysfunction

be dysfunctional?

Has the expendable actor,

yes, expendable actor

passed his expiration date?

It's not looking

good for our hero.

Possible movie trailer voice.

Thank you.

Will our hero make it out alive?

Oooo, you think it's

easy to make a movie?

You sit there in

your thong and your

air conditioner

and you judge me!

I'd like to see you

crawl through mud.

Sweat, work 20 hours a day.

I tell you, Hard Time

on Mars will make more

money than you can count to!

I show you!

I show you!!!

I show you.

I did not retire,

I got extension.

Old, young, old, young.

Retired.

Not retired.

You!

Will direct.

Hmm.

I will direct.

Hmm.

Excess Hollywood

Can our favorite

rehabinator rekindle

his past and extend his career?

Will he "be back?"

Will Hard Time on Mars

be the spark VD needs?

Or just hard time?

Should we wish the

Uzbekistanis luck?

Or send them penicillin?

Only time will tell.

VD 10 yards and closing.

Quiet on the set!

Our director

Vardell Dusel-dorfer

has come to join us.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Action!

Nicely done, thank you.

Thank you very much.

VD?

What?

What're you doin' sir?

We need more rock.

What?

We need more rock.

Where?

There.

VD, you know, we have

set decorators that do that.

I like set decorating.

Yes, sir, so

what about the fight?

Uh, what about it?

Can we lock it?

Lock?

Lock means that we're

not gonna change it.

Can we lock it?

We're not going to change it?

I don't know, are we?

I don't know.

I don't either.

Why did you let him direct?

He wouldn't

do the film otherwise.

This is nice.

This is fun!

Get him to talk about his dick.

It scares him I think,

it makes him insecure.

Maybe he'll cover by heaving

and getting back to work.

Dick.

Dick, yes.

Oh, wow my dick hurts.

Really?

You want me to rub it for you?

Maybe later,

uh, maybe after the fight scene?

Yes!

I'm uh, thinkin' about it.

Wow.

So, VD, what about

the fight, can we lock it?

I don't know.

Maybe you should

teach me part of it.

The first part?

Yeah!

Okay.

Mark!

Let's get that fight going on.

Yeah, where's my saber ha ha!

Freeze.

Sir Jeffrey, would you

mind if I take over?

Yeah, actually

I would enjoy that.

Great, we'll call

you when you're up.

I'll be working on my lines.

I need you to use and trust

the length of your sword.

Use and trust the

length of my sword.

Yes.

It's kind of like the force.

Yeah, the force.

Think about keeping your

hand in your pocket.

Okay, in my pocket.

Yes.

Okay, I can do that.

I can handle that.

I think we need the girl.

What?

Yeah, the girl.

No, she's knocked out.

Yeah, but she can wake up.

No, she's not

supposed to wake up yet, VD.

No, she wake up, but

she want to come to my aid.

No.

And knocks herself out!

- No.

- It would be very funny!

VD, we're running out of time.

Get me Louie.

Sir...

VD...

Page Louie.

I would like the girl, please.

VD?

I want the girl.

Get me Maria.

VD, your chef, Louie.

Louie, what were those

strips of things we had?

When?

Last week.

What day?

Tuesday.

That was the chicken.

No, it was not the chicken.

Maybe it wasn't Tuesday?

Maybe.

Wednesday?

I don't know, it

was the strips of things

with maybe the light pesto.

No, the pesto was

on the chicken on Tuesday.

Calamari!

Yes, calamari!

But that was Thursday.

With a lemon herb

and a sesame oil.

Oh, it was Thursday.

Yes, Thursday.

Oh.

Well I will have two strips

of calamari al dente.

Yes, sir.

VD, Maria.

Oh, Maria.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

I'm very good now

that you are here.

We have decided to add

you into the fight.

Do I get to punch you?

Uh... no.

Kick you?

No.

Oh.

But you do get to

slap me in the face

with your fair and ample bosom.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes