The Extra Man Page #2

I APOLOGIZE THAT GERSHON

COULDN'T HELP CARRY

YOUR THINGS.

HE'S NOT SPEAKING TO ME.

THAT'S FINE.

WHO'S GERSHON?

HE'S A FRIEND

WHO HELPS CARRY THINGS.

AND FIX MY CAR.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,

I WAS ADMIRING YOURS EARLIER.

WHAT MAKE IS THAT?

OH, IT'S

A PONTIAC GRAND VILLE.

IT WAS MY FATHER'S.

IN A WEIRD WAY,

IT'S SORT OF ALL

I HAVE LEFT OF HIM.

HE DIED MY FRESHMAN YEAR

OF COLLEGE.

MY MOTHER PASSED

ONLY A FEW YEARS AFTER.

WELL...

I DRIVE A BUICK.

- HMM.

- WHAT ARE YOU

READING THERE?

HENRY JAMES.

HE'S UNREADABLE.

HIS EARLY WORK:

WASN'T AS BAD.

HE BURNED HIMSELF,

YOU KNOW?

HE SAT ON A STOVE

AND SHRIVELED HIS TESTICLES.

THAT MAY ACCOUN FOR HIS SUDDEN CHANGE

OF STYLE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

YES. WELL, YOU'D BETTER

GET SOME REST.

I IMAGINE YOU'RE

STILL GROWING.

( loud classical music

playing )

( Henry grunting )

Henry:

YEAH!

( grunting continuing )

AHHH.

OW.

AHH!

GO! NO!

GO BACK!

- BACK TO YOUR ROOM.

- NO--

I DON'T LIKE YOU LURKING

THERE IN THE SHADOWS.

I'M SORRY, HENRY!

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

I CAN'T BE SEEN

WHEN I'M DANCING!

I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE.

NEXT TIME I EXERCISE,

I'LL MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OUT.

BUT SOMETIMES:

THE NEED IS TOO GREAT!

- NO PROBLEM.

- ONE MUST KEEP IN SHAPE,

YOU KNOW?

I TRY TO MOVE WHATEVER

I THINK IS ROTTING.

I TELL YOU, LOUIS,

I'D LIKE TO HIRE YOU.

FOR NOW IT'S GONNA BE

MOSTLY BE PHONE SALES

TO BUSINESSES:

AND TO MUSEUMS.

BUT IT DOES GO:

WITHOUT SAYING--

THIS BEING:

AN ENVIRONMENTAL

JOURNAL--

YOU ARE GREEN?

YOU DO LIVE:

A PRO-ENVIRONMENTAL

LIFESTYLE?

YES.

- YES, OF COURSE.

- GOOD.

I'M VERY ENVIRONMENTAL.

I'M ALWAYS THINKING

ABOUT HOW THE WORLD

IS FALLING APART.

AND THEN:

I GET DEPRESSED:

AND I THINK ABOUT--

WELL, IF I THINK

ABOUT MYSELF:

THAT'S ALSO DEPRESSING.

- GOOD.

- ( knocking on door )

- YEAH?

- SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

GEORGE,

BUT I NEED YOU TO LOOK

AT THESE RIGHT AWAY

SO I CAN GE THEM SCANNED.

OKAY.

OH, SHE'S GO NICE FEATHERS.

BUT I LIKE HER EYES.

THIS IS THE ONE.

- GREAT.

- I AGREE.

THAT'S AN EXCELLEN OWL PHOTO.

MARY, THIS IS LOUIS.

LOUIS IS GOING:

TO BE WORKING HERE.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HOW DO YOU DO?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE

TO GET UP.

I LOOK FORWARD:

TO WORKING WITH YOU, MARY.

AND WITH YOU, GEORGE.

- THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME ON.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, LOUIS.

LET'S GET YOU FILLING OU SOME START PAPERS, HUH?

COME ON.

COUGH IT UP.

OH, HEY.

LET ME HELP YOU:

WITH THAT, HENRY.

WHAT SERVICE.

YOU'D MAKE AN EXCELLEN VALET OR SQUIRE.

HENRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME

WE SHOULD TRY AND RECYCLE

YOUR WINE BOTTLES.

WHY?

RECYCLING IS:

THE MOST INSIDIOUS IDEA

OF THIS GENERATION.

THAT AND HELPING

THE HOMELESS,

MOST OF WHOM DESERVE

THE POSITION.

WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD

REALLY FOCUS ON IS SEX.

IF WE COULD:

CONTROL THAT,

WE COULD SOLVE ANYTHING.

SO YOU SEE SEX:

AS THE CAUSE OF ALL

OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS?

ABSOLUTELY.

YOU'LL FIND I'M

TO THE RIGHT OF THE POPE

ON MOST OF THESE ISSUES.

WELL, ANYWAY,

IF I MAY CHANGE:

THE SUBJECT,

YOU LOOK VERY NICE.

ARE YOU GOING OUT SOMEWHERE?

YES, I'M SEEING

THE BILLIONAIRESS

VIVIAN CUDLIP THIS EVENING.

SHE PHONED ME:

ABOUT AN EVEN ONLY 10 MINUTES AGO,

BUT THE QUEEN:

MUST BE OBEYED.

- WOW, A BILLIONAIRESS.

- MMM.

AND TO THINK:

A LOWLY FELLOW LIKE ME

WAS ABOUT TO TREAT YOU

TO DINNER.

I HAD A BANNER DAY.

I EVEN GOT A JOB.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I KNEW YOU WERE A MAN

WHO COULD PAY THE RENT.

WHAT TYPE OF POSITION?

- IT'S AT A MAGAZINE.

- MMM.

AN ENVIRONMENTAL JOURNAL.

I'M SURE IT'S

ALL JUST A FRON FOR PORNOGRAPHY.

- ( horn honks )

- AH, THIS IS MY RIDE.

WE MUST CELEBRATE

YOUR GETTING A JOB.

TOMORROW EVENING.

I'LL TAKE YOU

TO THE OPERA.

I KNOW A WONDERFUL

LITTLE COMPANY.

MY TREAT.

THANK YOU, HERBERT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

- THIS WAY.

- Woman:
EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, I HAD

MY EYE ON THAT FIRST.

THE DOORMAN WAS WATCHING

THIS PILE FOR ME.

Henry:

BLOODY HELL, I FORGOT I WAS TRASH DAY.

OH, WELL.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT GOING

TO THE OPERA TONIGHT?

I HEAR IT'S

ASTRONOMICALLY EXPENSIVE.

DON'T-- DON'T BE

SO MIDDLE-CLASS.

THE ARISTOCRACY:

NEVER PAYS.

HERE'S MY CAR.

( humming )

- MAYBE WE SHOULD

TAKE A CAB?

- WHY?

I GO EVERYWHERE:

IN MY ELECTRA.

I DRIVE ALL:

AROUND MANHATTAN

LOOKING FOR "IT."

I MEAN "IT"

IN THE KEROUAC SENSE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE:

FLORIDA PLATES?

BECAUSE I LIVE THERE

PART-TIME--

PALM BEACH.

THAT'S WHERE

THE SOCIAL LIFE GOES

IN THE WINTER.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD

ONE WORKING DOOR.

JUST CLOSE I TIGHTLY BEHIND YOU.

( singing )

HENRY, HENRY, HENRY!

- PLEASE, BE CAREFUL!

- OHH!

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE

ANY SEAT BELTS IN THIS THING.

DON'T BE SUCH A MILQUETOAST.

AS NAPOLEON SAID,

- "IF RAPE IS IMMINENT..."

- HENRY!

- "...RELAX AND ENJOY IT!"

- Woman:
A**HOLE!

ALL RIGHT,

HERE'S HOW IT'S DONE.

THE INTERMISSION IS

ABOUT TO BEGIN.

SO WHEN YOU SEE SOMEBODY

COMING OUT,

YOU SIMPLY SAY,

"OH, ARE YOU LEAVING SO SOON?

WELL, IF YOU ARE,

MAY I HAVE YOUR TICKE AND YOUR RE-ENTRY STUB?"

NOW, YOU HAVE

TO GET THE RE-ENTRY STUB.

THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

WITHOUT IT,

THE TICKET IS USELESS.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- I THINK SO.

HENRY, HENRY!

I GOT TWO TICKETS!

SHH, SHH.

AND THE RE-ENTRY STUBS?

WELL, ONE STUB,

BUT I THINK--

DIDN'T I TELL YOU

IT WAS CRUCIAL TO GE THE RE-ENTRY STUB?

WHICH PART OF THA DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE ONLY TOOK ONE.

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!

- YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING.

- THAT'S IRRELEVANT.

THE POINT IS:

WITHOUT THE RE-ENTRY STUB

THE TICKET IS USELESS.

- ( musical tones play )

- SHOW TIME, DARLING.

OH DEAR. WELL,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO TRY TO SNEAK IN.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S A PROGRAM.

THAT WILL HELP.

YOU GO FIRST,

I'LL BE BEHIND YOU.

I'LL BE SENILE,

YOU'LL BE ANGRY.

WE'LL BLUFF

OUR WAY IN. GO.

( singing )

WHERE IS--

WHERE'S MY RE-ENTRY STUB?

I HAD IT.

DID YOU TAKE IT?

I HAND IT TO YOU?

- NO.

- I MUST HAVE HANDED

IT TO YOU.

NO, YOU DIDN'T,

FATHER!

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,

TRY TO REMEMBER WHERE

YOU PUT THINGS!

DID YOU CHECK:

YOUR PANTS?

- I'M WEARING THEM!

- JUST GO IN.

THANK YOU.

TERRIBLY SORRY:

ABOUT ALL THAT.

THAT'S NOT BAD.

WITH A BI OF DIRECTION

FROM ME,

YOU COULD LAND YOURSELF

A WALK-ON PART SOMEWHERE.

PERHAPS OFF BROADWAY.

( singing in Italian )

SHE'S RUSSIAN,

YOU KNOW.

ONLY RUSSIA CAN STILL

PRODUCE WOMEN LIKE THAT.

Henry:

SO THERE WE ARE.

WHERE ARE WE?

SORRY?

I LIKE TO SAY THA SOMETIMES BEFORE RETIRING.

I'M ABOUT TO PUT IN

MY EAR PLUGS.

ANY FINAL THOUGHTS,

QUESTIONS?

YES. CAN WE GO

TO THE OPERA AGAIN SOON?

WHY NOT?

WE CAN AFFORD IT.

OH, HENRY,

ONE MORE THING.

I NEVER GOT TO ASK YOU,

HOW DID YOUR EVENING

WITH THE BILLIONAIRESS GO?

WITH VIVIAN?

IT WAS FINE.

EXCEPT SHE STOPPED BREATHING

FOR A FULL MINUTE.

BUT THEN SHE RALLIED.

SHE ALWAYS DOES.

HOW OLD IS SHE?

SHE'S 92.

- 92?!

- YES.

THAT'S A LITTLE OLD

FOR A GIRLFRIEND,

DON'T YOU THINK?

UNFORTUNATELY,

SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.

I'M JUST ONE

OF 20 SYCOPHANTS, REALLY.

FOR YEARS NOW I'VE BEEN

HER FIRST CHOICE,

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