The Extra Man Page #3

BUT I COULD BE ON THE OUTS

AT ANY MINUTE.

BARRY BARBARASH WANTS

DESPERATELY TO SEE ME OMITTED.

HE'S SCHEMING

TO BE PERMANENTLY INSTALLED

AS THE RESIDEN ROSEN KNIGHT.

WHAT'S A "ROSEN KNIGHT"?

IT'S A KNIGH WHO BRINGS ROSES.

A "ROSENKAVALIER."

AN ESCORT.

HENRY...

ARE YOU A GIGOLO?

DON'T BE DISGUSTING.

I AM AN "EXTRA MAN."

ALTHOUGH I WOULD ARGUE

I'M SO MUCH MORE THAN "EXTRA."

I'M ESSENTIAL.

DO THESE OLD LADIES

PAY YOU?

OF COURSE NOT,

EXCEPT IN PLEASURE--

A FINE MEAL,

VINTAGE CHAMPAGNE...

AN ORCHESTRA PERHAPS.

YOU SEE,

WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN,

SO THERE'S ALWAYS A NEED

FOR AN EXTRA MAN

AT THE TABLE.

IT MAINTAINS A PROPER

SEATING ARRANGEMENT.

BOY-GIRL, BOY-GIRL.

BUT DON'T THINK

FOR A MOMEN:

THAT IT'S ALL CHAMPAGNE

AND STARDUST.

AN EXTRA MAN MUST BE

EXTREMELY VIGILANT,

ESPECIALLY WHEN DANCING.

THAT'S WHY ESCORTS ARE

OFTEN CALLED WALKERS.

I, HOWEVER,

AM NO MERE WALKER.

WHAT I BRING IS:

THE COMPLETE PACKAGE--

WIT, INTELLIGENCE,

AN UNCOMMON:

JOIE DE VIVRE.

I WISH I HAD:

JOIE DE VIVRE.

THEN I COULD:

BE YOUR ASSISTANT.

YOU'RE VERY YOUNG.

BUT VIVIAN DOES HAVE

A RATHER ATTRACTIVE NIECE.

- SHE MIGHT LIKE YOU.

- THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

ARE WE HAVING:

A CONVERSATION?

YES, I'D SAY SO.

WELL, IT HAS TO STOP.

WE SHOULD KNOW AS LITTLE

ABOUT EACH OTHER AS POSSIBLE.

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

HAVE THIS FOUNDATION.

NOW GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HENRY.

( clears throat )

HI, MARY.

OH, HI.

I SEE YOU'RE EATING

IN TODAY TOO.

YEAH, I'M REALLY BEHIND.

- WHAT DID YOU GET?

- ZEN PALATE.

AH, ARE YOU

A VEGETARIAN?

- VEGAN.

- AH.

I'M REALLY ACTIVE

IN ANIMAL RIGHTS.

OH, I WISH

I COULD BE VEGAN,

BUT I REALLY LIKE EGGS.

ALTHOUGH I DO TRY TO ORDER

ONLY FREE-RANGE CHICKEN.

( elevator bell rings )

SO I WENT TO THE OPERA

LAST NIGHT.

- THAT'S COOL.

- IT WAS AMAZING, ACTUALLY.

I'M PRETTY

OPERA ILLITERATE,

SORRY TO SAY.

WELL, MAYBE I COULD

TAKE YOU SOME TIME.

I KNOW HOW:

TO GET IN FOR FREE.

OR WE COULD JUST GO

FOR A DRINK SOMEWHERE

ONE NIGHT.

MAYBE EVEN THIS WEEKEND?

THANKS, LOUIS,

BUT I'M GOING

OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND.

- OH.

- WE'RE PROTESTING

THE BUILDING:

OF A CEMENT PLAN ON THE HUDSON.

ACTUALLY, THIS GUY

I STARTED SEEING

IS TAKING ME.

MAYBE YOU AND I COULD

GRAB LUNCH OUT TOGETHER

ONE DAY.

- OKAY?

- SURE.

THANK YOU.

EWW.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

- ( scoffs )

- SORRY. SORRY.

Narrator:

TWO COMPETING FANTASIES

CO-EXISTED

WITHIN LOUIS IVES.

A SORT OF BIPOLAR

CONDITION:

THAT WASN'T

MOOD-RELATED

BUT SEX-RELATED.

ON THE ONE HAND,

HE LONGED:

TO BE A YOUNG GENTLEMAN,

ONE WHO WEARS TIES

AND ENJOYS THE OPERA.

BUT SOMETIMES HE YEARNED

TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND SEE A PRETTY GIRL.

ONE FILLED:

WITH ADORATION AND LOVE,

SMILING BACK AT HIM.

( doorbell buzzes )

FOR SOME REASON,

HE BELIEVED:

THE WOMAN IN THE AD

MIGHT HELP HIM:

WITH HIS CONFUSION.

OH... HELLO.

HELLO.

UM, IT'S OKAY.

IF I'M TOO OLD,

YOU CAN JUST TURN

AROUND AND GO.

NO, NO.

YOU'RE FINE, MA'AM.

MORE THAN FINE, I MEAN.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL,

COME ON IN THEN.

SO I'M KATHERINE,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME

MISS HART.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN,

SWEETHEART?

GEORGE.

GEORGE.

ALL RIGHT, THEN WE WILL

CALL YOU GEORGINA,

UNLESS YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED

IN THE CROSSDRESSING PART.

NO, I AM.

THAT'S REALLY

WHY I CALLED.

HAVE YOU DRESSED UP A LOT?

NO, HARDLY AT ALL.

IT'S WEIRD.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE

ANYONE I CAN:

TALK TO ABOUT...

THIS URGE.

- ( timer clicking )

- WELL, YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

YOU TELL MISS HAR EVERYTHING.

HERE, HAVE A SEAT.

OKAY.

WELL, I THINK

IT ALL STARTED:

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.

I SAW THIS CARTOON

WHERE A DUCK:

WEARING A TUXEDO

WAS TRANSFORMED:

INTO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

SEEING THAT STIRRED

SOMETHING IN ME.

SOON AFTER,

I DISCOVERED A BOOK.

I WORRIED I MIGHT BE LIKE

THE PEOPLE DESCRIBED IN IT.

OVER THE YEARS,

I'VE HAD VERY FEW LOVERS--

AND YOU'RE LONELY.

AND YOU DESIRE:

THE COMPANY OF A WOMAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT,

THAT'S AS GOOD A REASON

AS ANY TO START CROSSDRESSING.

SO LET'S GET YOU INTO SOME

LINGERIE, SWEETHEART.

( toilet flushes )

YOU LOOK VERY NICE.

OKAY.

SO THE FIRST THING

WE HAVE TO DO:

IS TEACH YOU:

TO BE FEMININE.

FIRST, YOU'RE

GONNA LEARN HOW TO SIT.

GO AHEAD.

NO NO NO NO.

OKAY.

SEE HOW YOUR FOOT IS

POINTED UP LIKE THAT,

ALL TENSE AND FULL

OF AGGRESSION?

A MAN'S FOO DOES THA

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS

TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE.

TRY RELAXING:

YOUR FOOT DOWN.

RELAX. GOOD.

THAT INDICATES THAT YOU'RE

OPEN TO A MAN'S ADVANCES.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M AFTER.

- DON'T INTERRUPT, GEORGINA,

IT'S RUDE!

MAYBE IT'S TIME

FOR YOUR SPANKING.

- WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- YEAH, WE DO. GET UP!

- PUT YOURSELF

ACROSS MY KNEE.

- OKAY.

- YOU BAD BOY!

- WHOA!

- TALKING BACK!

- OW!

OW OW OW!

OW OW OW!

MISS HART, CAN WE STOP?

WHY?!

WOULD YOU--

WOULD YOU MIND:

IF I JUST KISSED YOU?

( scoffs )

YOU DON'T HAVE

TO ASK, SUGAR.

YOU'RE PAYING.

( timer bell rings )

OW.

OW.

YOU'RE LATER THAN USUAL.

WHAT?! YES.

I WENT OUT FOR DRINKS.

ACTUALLY, I'M SORT OF SEEING

THIS GIRL FROM WORK.

OH, THAT SOUNDS

LIKE A LIE.

BUT THAT'S GOOD.

THAT SHOWS THA YOU'RE GROWING UP.

BY THE WAY,

HAVE YOU SEEN:

MY EYE MASK?

IT'S DISAPPEARED

MYSTERIOUSLY.

- NO.

- I CERTAINLY HOPE

IT TURNS UP.

I CAN'T SLEEP

WITHOUT IT.

BY THE WAY,

I GOT THE MAIL ON MY WAY UP.

OHH...

OH, SPEAKING OF WHICH,

I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS--

NEVER ANSWER THE DOOR.

IT COULD BE THE IRS.

OKAY.

WHO'S OTTO BELLMAN?

WHO, BELLMAN?

HE WAS YOUR PREDECESSOR.

OH. HOW LONG DID

HE LIVE HERE?

TWO YEARS.

IT WAS A GREAT MISTAKE.

AT FIRST IT WASN'T AWFUL.

HE LOOKED LIKE:

SOPHIA LOREN IN PROFILE.

OF COURSE...

HE HAD A HUNCHBACK.

YOU'RE PUTTING THE MAIL

IN THE FREEZER?

ONLY HIS LETTERS.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE THEM.

HE'S ALREADY HELL-BEN ON REVENGE AGAINST ME.

WHY?

- BECAUSE I KICKED HIM OUT.

- REALLY?

FOR BEING:

A SEXUAL DEVIANT.

OH.

HE HAD ONE OF THOSE

BONDAGE MAGAZINES.

HE'S SWISS--

THEY LIKE ALL THAT S&M,

YOU KNOW?

CAN YOU BELIEVE:

HE'S ACTUALLY LIVING

WITH VIVIAN CUDLIP'S

GRANDDAUGHTER?

AND WHAT IS WORSE,

HE STOLE THE ONLY COPY

OF MY GREATEST PLAY.

"HENRY AND MARY

ARE ALWAYS LATE."

THE DEGENERATE IS PROBABLY

GONNA HAVE IT PRODUCED

ILLEGALLY IN ZURICH

AND MAKE HIMSELF

A GRAND FORTUNE.

I THINK YOU'RE BEING

UNREASONABLE.

YOU'RE THE ONE ALWAYS

CITING THESE GREAT AUTHORS.

MOST OF THEM HAD ALL KINDS

OF UNUSUAL KINKS.

THAT'S IRRELEVANT.

ONE SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX

WHEN MARRIED.

HAVE YOU:

EVER BEEN MARRIED?

NO.

ARE YOU SAYING:

YOU'VE NEVER HAD SEX?

YOU'LL GE NOTHING OUT OF ME.

AND TRY THINKING

ABOUT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.

THINK ABOUT DEFROSTING

THAT ICEBOX IN THERE

TO MAKE ROOM:

FOR MORE MAIL.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I DON'T GO AROUND NEEDING SEX.

I DON'T NEED ANY LOVE.

YOU'RE BEING DISHONEST.

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMETHING.

ALL I NEED IS PLEASURE.

OKAY, SO WHA GIVES YOU PLEASURE?

I'D LIKE TO GO

BACK TO ANAPA.

IT'S A SMALL TOWN

ON THE BLACK SEA

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