The Extra Man Page #4

IN RUSSIA.

VIVIAN AND I WENT THERE

YEARS AGO ON OUR WORLD TOUR.

A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

ONLY COST $4.

IN MY MIND'S EYE,

THAT'S WHERE I THINK

I'D BE HAPPIEST.

Narrator:

LOUIS IVES ROSE:

THE NEXT MORNING,

MOTIVATED TO FINALLY

START WRITING.

( man singing )

BEAUTIFUL DREAMER

WAKE UNTO ME...

Narrator:

BUT AS THE DAY:

PROGRESSED,

THE ODDNESS OF LIFE

ONCE AGAIN:

DISTRACTED HIM.

SOUNDS:

OF THE RUDE WORLD

HEARD IN THE DAY

LULLED BY THE MOONLIGHT

HAVE ALL PASSED AWAY.

HENRY,

DO YOU KNOW THAT MAN?

Henry:

THAT'S GERSHON GRUEN.

OH, YOUR FRIEND

WHO CARRIES THINGS?

YES, AND FIXES MY CAR.

IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S STILL

NOT SPEAKING TO ME.

HE'S ALWAYS

ON THAT BIKE.

YES, HE'S CYCLING AWAY

HIS SEX DRIVE.

GERSHON WAS A SLAVE

TO HIS LIBIDO.

HE USED TO BRING PROSTITUTES

FROM THE BRONX:

INTO HIS APARTMENT,

AND THEY WOULD:

STEAL THINGS.

HE COULDN'T STOP,

SO HE TURNED TO ME FOR HELP.

I TOLD HIM TO DEVELOP

OTHER INTERESTS,

LIKE READING THE DICTIONARY

TO IMPROVE HIS VOCABULARY

AND BICYCLE RIDING,

WHICH SO FAR:

HAS WORKED WONDERS.

OF COURSE, HE'S STILL

AN OBSESSIVE MASTURBATOR.

IF YOUR ADVICE WORKED,

THEN WHY ISN' HE SPEAKING TO YOU?

HE CLAIMS THAT I DON' REALLY WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP,

THAT I AM ONLY USING HIM

FOR HIS MECHANIC SKILLS.

ALSO, I THINK HE WAS JEALOUS

OF MY RELATIONSHIP

WITH YOUR PREDECESSOR

OTTO BELLMAN.

YOU HAVE A STRANGE POWER

OVER PEOPLE, HENRY.

IT'S MY CONSTAN DISAPPROVAL.

SOME FIND IT FATHERLY.

NO! ENOUGH!

I THINK IT'S SILLY

YOU MADE US SI:

AT SEPARATE TABLES

LIKE THIS.

MEN OF ANY WORTH

SIT ACROSS FROM WOMEN.

IF YOU EVER WAN TO BE AN EXTRA MAN,

YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN

ABOUT BOY-GIRL PROPRIETY.

WHICH REMINDS ME, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING TOMORROW EVENING?

NOTHING. WHY?

I HAVE TWO LADY FRIENDS

WHO NEED ESCORTING TO AN EVENT.

VIVIAN CUDLIP:

AND HER NIECE?

NO, BUT ALMOS AS IMPORTANT.

WOULD THIS OFFICIALLY

MAKE ME AN EXTRA MAN?

EXTRA, YES.

BUT NOWHERE NEAR ESSENTIAL.

( French music playing )

HENRY, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?

I FORGOT TO BUY SOCKS.

MINE ARE ALL:

THREADBARE.

DON'T WORRY,

NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT'LL

HELP KILL THE FLEAS.

FLEAS?

YES. FLEAS.

MY DERMATOLOGIS CONFIRMED I HAVE THEM.

Henry:

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY--

ONE OF THE WOMEN

WE'RE ESCORTING

THIS EVENING, LOIS HUBER,

HAS GIVEN ME A ROOM

IN HER PALM BEACH HOME

FOR THE LAS FOUR SEASONS.

- OKAY.

- UNFORTUNATELY,

I SAID SOMETHING

THAT OFFENDED HER,

AND WE HAD:

A FALLING OUT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY

THAT OFFENDED HER?

I TOLD HER THAT HER

ASS IS BIG,

THAT SHE'S A SADDLE-BACK

AND POSSIBLY A MORAL IMBECILE.

HENRY, THAT SEEMS LIKE

A LOT TO RECOVER FROM.

THAT'S WHERE

I'M COUNTING ON YOU.

I'M HOPING THAT YOUR YOUTH

WILL HAVE A POSITIVE

EFFECT ON HER.

THE OTHER WOMAN,

MEREDITH LAGERFELD,

HAS NOTHING:

TO OFFER SOCIALLY.

SHE'S DIRT POOR.

IN FACT, WE OFTEN WORK

IN UNISON AT EVENTS.

SHE'S THE ONE WHO ALERTED ME

THAT LOIS MAY BE READY

TO FORGIVE ME.

- THAT WAS NICE OF HER.

- NOT REALLY.

LAGERFELD USES ME

FOR RIDES.

SHE'S GOTTEN QUITE ENORMOUS,

YOU SEE,

AND HAS TROUBLE GETTING

AROUND TOWN.

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

MY GOD, LOOK AT HER.

SHE DOES HAVE NICE HAIR.

I SUPPOSE WE ALL

HAVE SOMETHING,

EVEN LAGERFELD.

HENRY, FOCUS.

THE GEORGE GILLIES

HAVE JUST ARRIVED.

SHE'S HOSTING QUITE A LARGE

PARTY ON THURSDAY.

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY

TO SPEAK TO HER.

THEY'RE FRIENDS

OF VIVIAN CUDLIP'S.

MENTION THE NAME VIVIAN CUDLIP

AND WE'LL BE IN.

MEANWHILE,

WHERE THE HELL IS LOIS?

OH, LOIS, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

SHE'S OVER BY THE KLIMT.

HMM. EXCUSE US.

LOUIS.

OH, TERRIBLY SORRY.

- THERE'S A DWARF

IN THAT PICTURE.

- IT'S A CHILD, HENRY.

YES, QUITE RIGHT.

SPEAKING OF CHILDREN,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO MY YOUNG HOUSE GUES LOUIS IVES.

LOUIS HAS RECENTLY COME

TO NEW YORK TO FIND HIMSELF.

LOIS, LOUIS,

LOUIS, LOIS.

ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE RATHER

NICELY, DOESN'T IT?

I NEED SOME MORE WINE.

I REA--

( clears throat )

I REALLY LIKE:

THESE PAINTINGS.

I DON'T.

IT'S RIDICULOUS HOW NOBODY

REALLY LOOKS AT THEM.

I WAS ADMIRING:

YOUR OUTFIT BEFORE.

IT'S VERY INTERESTING.

AND A GOOD COLOR

FOR YOU TOO.

AND HOW OLD:

ARE YOU, LOUIS?

OLD ENOUGH.

TELL ME, ARE YOU

BY CHANCE FROM RUSSIA?

ME?

( chuckles )

GOD, NO.

I'M AS AMERICAN

AS THEY COME.

NOT TO ME.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO

WITH MAGAZINES, LOUIS?

I WORK ON THE MARKETING

SIDE OF THINGS,

BUT I'D LIKE

TO BE AN EDITOR:

OR WRITER SOMEDAY.

AH. HENRY'S

AN EXCELLENT WRITER.

A TALENTED PLAYWRIGHT.

BUT HE CAN BE:

A VERY RUDE MAN,

YOU KNOW.

- AH.

- Meredith:
HELLO, LOIS.

WITH THE EXCEPTION

OF THAT RUSSIAN BARTENDRESS,

I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED

A MORE DREARY CROWD.

STOP COMPLAINING, HENRY.

IT'S TIRESOME.

WELL, THERE IS ANOTHER

OPENING AT THE WHITNEY,

BUT IT'S NOT UNTIL 9:00.

THEN I'LL NEED

DINNER FIRST.

WE'LL EAT AT MY PLACE.

MEREDITH WILL RIDE OVER WITH ME,

HENRY AND LOUIS CAN GO

PICK UP THE FOOD.

- COME, DEAR.

- THAT'S AWFULLY NICE, LOIS.

THINGS WITH LOIS ARE WORSE

THAN I HAD IMAGINED.

YOUR YOUTH:

HAS FAILED US:

AND I'M OFF MY GAME.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING RIGH SINCE MY EYE MASK DISAPPEARED.

WE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO IMPLEMENT PLAN B

OVER DINNER.

NEXT.

THERE'S NO BATHROOM IN HERE

AND I HAVE TO PISS.

IF I'M NOT BACK IN TIME,

GET TWO ROASTED CHICKENS.

LOIS HAS MILLIONS

OF DOLLARS,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING

SHE LIKES BETTER THAN

ROASTED CHICKEN.

Narrator:

AS THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN

STOOD THERE ON LINE,

HE COULDN'T HELP BUT PLAY

THE FIRST HALF OF THE EVENING

OVER AND OVER:

IN HIS MIND.

IN DOING SO,

SOMETHING BECAME

VERY CLEAR:

ABOUT THE NATURE

OF HIS RELATIONSHIP

WITH MR. HENRY HARRISON,

WHO--

- I'M BACK.

- OH.

DID YOU PEE ALREADY?

- YES.

- WHERE?

OUT THERE.

OUT IN THE STREET?

- YES.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YES, I DID, LOUIS.

A TRUE ARISTOCRAT KNOWS

THAT HE CAN PISS IN THE STREE

AT ANY TIME HE WISHES

DAY OR NIGHT.

NEXT.

HENRY, I WANT TO SEE

WHERE YOU PEED.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

RIGHT THERE,

BETWEEN THE CARS.

HOW DID YOU DO I WITHOUT BEING SEEN?

YOU COULD HAVE:

BEEN ARRESTED.

IT'S AN ACQUIRED ART.

LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.

NOW WATCH,

AND DO AS I DO.

READY?

STEP OFF THE CURB

AS IF YOU'RE GOING

TO WALK ACROSS THE STREET.

THEN YOU STOP ABRUPTLY,

THINKING TWICE:

ABOUT CROSSING IN TRAFFIC.

MEANWHILE,

YOU'VE UNDONE

YOUR ZIPPER,

YOU'VE FREED YOURSELF

AND THEN,

KEEPING A WIDE ARC

WITH THE RAINCOAT,

YOU STEP BACKWARDS,

YOU SEE?

THIS WAY, NO ONE CAN

SEE YOU'RE PISSING,

AND THE WALKING:

BACKWARDS PAR:

KEEPS YOU FROM PISSING

ON YOUR LEGS,

NOT TO MENTION:

STEPPING IN IT.

OH, I JUST DID

A BIT MORE.

SO NOW DO YOU:

UNDERSTAND?

I THINK:

I ACTUALLY DO. YEAH.

THANK YOU:

FOR TEACHING ME THAT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND KEEP THE CHANGE.

DON'T MENTION IT.

- GOOD EVENING.

- HENRY HARRISON

FOR MRS. HUEBER.

OF COURSE.

WOW.

WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T MENTION

THE FLEAS TO LOIS.

IF SHE CATCHES THEM,

SHE'LL KNOW THEY'RE FROM ME.

THEN I'LL NEVER

GET THAT ROOM.

MA'AM,

MR. HARRISON.

WAIT. WAIT.

LOIS HAS A DOG.

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