The Extra Man Page #5

IF I CAN TRANSFER

MY FLEAS TO HER DOG,

- WE'LL BE SAVED.

- ( elevator bell rings )

Doorman:

GOING UP?

- ( barking )

- LOVIE!

OH, WHAT A GOOD GIRL.

OH, I'VE MISSED YOU!

LOOK AT YOU:

WITH YOUR LITTLE--

WHAT THE HELL:

IS THAT ON YOU?

LOOKS LIKE:

AN ELIZABETHAN COLLAR.

HENRY, PUT THE DOG DOWN

AND BRING ME THOSE

ROASTED CHICKENS.

RIGHT AWAY.

RIGHT AWAY.

- PUT IT DOWN, HENRY!

- ( barks )

I'M COMING.

OH.

HELLO, MEREDITH.

UM...

WOW.

WHAT AN AMAZING VIEW.

YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING

FROM HERE.

I KNOW. I GREW UP

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

DID YOU REALLY?

WE WERE THE MOS POPULAR FAMILY.

WELL, WE WERE ALWAYS

DOING THE FUNNEST THINGS.

WE NEVER HAD:

A DULL MOMENT.

I THOUGHT ALL FAMILIES

WERE LIKE THAT.

I THOUGHT LIFE:

WOULD BE LIKE THAT.

- HERE WE ARE.

- I DON'T LIKE THE DARK MEA

TOUCHING THE LIGHT.

OF COURSE NOT.

DID I MENTION, LOIS,

THAT I'LL BE HAVING

A STAGED READING

OF MY GEORGE ELIOT PLAY

THIS WINTER IN PALM BEACH?

VIVIAN CUDLIP HAS SECURED

A BALLROOM FOR ME IN THE COLONY.

REALLY, HENRY?

YOU'RE PLANNING TO BE

IN PALM BEACH THIS WINTER?

WELL, OF COURSE.

AND I WAS THINKING

THAT YOU WOULD BE PERFEC

FOR THE GEORGE ELIOT ROLE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

IF YOU'RE ANGLING TO STAY

IN MY GUEST ROOM, HENRY,

I CAN'T HAVE YOU

THIS SEASON.

I'VE INVITED MEREDITH.

I THINK THE SUN'LL

BE VERY GOOD FOR HER

BAD KNEE, DON'T YOU?

- LAGERFELD?

- THAT'S CORRECT.

MEREDITH.

( banging plate )

THIS ROASTED CHICKEN

IS DELICIOUS.

HENRY, I WAS WONDERING

IF YOU'RE FREE TOMORROW.

I FOUND AN INEXPENSIVE

SPORTS DOCTOR:

FOR MY KNEE:

IN BROOKLYN.

( laughing )

I WAS WONDERING:

IF YOU MIGHT DRIVE ME

TO MY APPOINTMENT?

FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

I'M TEACHING TOMORROW.

I DON'T THINK

I CAN MAKE IT TO

THE WHITNEY LATER EITHER.

EVERY EXHIBIT IS THE SAME--

TOILET SEATS:

AND SEX ORGANS.

I'M NO LONGER IN THE MOOD

FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

LOUIS, WE'RE LEAVING.

NOW!

I'M SORRY THINGS

DIDN'T WORK OUT TONIGHT.

RIGHT.

( sighs heavily )

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME.

I HAD A VERY NICE TIME

AT THE GALLERY.

THE WHOLE DAMNED EVENING

WAS ENGINEERED:

BY LAGERFELD:

TO GET ME TO DRIVE HER

AND HER FAT KNEES

TO BROOKLYN.

OF COURSE SHE'S NOT GOING

TO ASK LOIS.

SHE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING

TO JEOPARDIZE THAT ROOM,

NOW THAT SHE'S GOT HER GRUBBY

LITTLE PAWS ON IT.

DON'T DWELL ON IT, HENRY.

LETS TRY TO FOCUS

ON SOMETHING POSITIVE

LIKE YOU TELL ME.

YES. YES.

YES, I SUPPOSE

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YES.

THAT ROASTED CHICKEN

WAS GOOD.

I'LL TRY TO FOCUS

ON THAT.

( engine squeaking,

creaking )

NOW WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

IS HAPPENING?

LET'S LOOK UNDER

THE HOOD! OUT!

NO NO NO NO NO:

NO NO NO.

NOT MY CAR!

NO NO.

NOT MY ELECTRA.

IF I LOSE THAT,

I LOSE EVERYTHING.

LET'S JUST LEAVE

IT HERE TONIGHT.

WE'LL COME BACK

IN THE MORNING,

GET IT TOWED:

AND REPAIRED.

REALLY?

WITH WHAT MONEY?

WE'LL FIGURE

SOMETHING OUT.

LET'S JUS GET A TAXI HOME.

NO.

NO, YOU GO.

I CAN'T NOW.

I NEED TO WALK:

THIS WHOLE EVENING OFF.

OH, COME ON, HENRY.

YOU SHOULDN'T DO

SUCH A LONG WALK ALONE.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?!

A FEEBLE OLD MAN?

YOU'VE BEEN IN MANHATTAN

FOR 10 MINUTES,

YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME

WHAT TO DO?

I TOLD YOU I WAN TO WALK HOME ALONE.

- I WAS JUST--

- I--

JUST GO!

I DON'T NEED YOU.

( classical

music playing )

NO DANCING TODAY,

HUH, HENRY?

HMM.

( footsteps

approaching )

LOUIS?

I'M SORRY, WERE YOU

READING SOMETHING?

I DIDN'T MEAN

TO INTERRUPT YOU.

NO. NO.

NO, I WAS JUST--

NO, I WASN' READING ANYTHING.

I REALIZE WE NEVER WENT OU AND HAD THAT LUNCH.

ARE YOU BY CHANCE

AVAILABLE TODAY?

DID I MENTION A FEW

OF US FROM WORK:

ARE GOING TO SEE "I AM CUBA"

AT THE CINEMA VILLAGE TONIGHT?

YOU SHOULD COME.

REALLY?

THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

I FIND YOU FUNNY, LOUIS.

IN WHAT WAY?

I MEAN,

YOU'RE INTERESTING.

SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME

OF A GUY FROM ANOTHER

TIME PERIOD--

LIKE THE '20s.

IT'S FUNNY

YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

I LOVE THAT ERA--

THE LITERATURE:

FROM THAT ERA.

I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS,

BUT SOMETIMES,

IN MY HEAD,

I ACTUALLY IMAGINE

THERE'S SOMEBODY

NARRATING MY LIFE,

( whispering )

AS IF I'M THE PROTAGONIS IN A CLASSIC NOVEL.

OKAY.

Narrator:

THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN

IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED

THIS CONFESSION.

HE STRUGGLED TO QUICKLY

CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

SO I NEVER ASKED YOU,

HOW DID THE WHOLE

UPSTATE THING GO?

AMAZING.

YOU SHOULD COME:

TO THE NEXT ONE.

AND BRING SOMEONE OF COURSE.

DO YOU LIVE ALONE?

NO, I HAVE A ROOMMATE,

BUT HE'S MUCH OLDER.

OLD, ACTUALLY.

I JUST RENT A ROOM

IN HIS APARTMENT.

TO BE HONEST,

IT'S NOT GOING SO WELL.

HE GETS IRRATIONALLY

MAD AT ME.

MAYBE HE'S

IN LOVE WITH YOU.

NO.

NO.

I WOULD NEVER WAN TO THINK OF HIM LIKE THAT.

THERE WAS ONE TIME

IT CROSSED MY MIND BUT--

WHY? WHAT DID HE DO

THAT MADE YOU WONDER?

WELL,

IT'S KIND OF STRANGE,

BUT WE WERE:

DRINKING WINE:

AND I WAS LYING:

ON THE FLOOR:

TRYING TO WORK UP

THE ENERGY TO GO TO BED,

AND SOMETHING:

VERY ODD HAPPENED.

THAT'S IT?

( laughs )

I GUESS IT WAS NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY

I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.

I'M SORRY.

LOUIS, THERE'S SOMETHING

I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

SURE.

WELL, YOU KNOW THAT GUY

I STARTED SEEING?

HE'S GOING TO JAMAICA

ON THURSDAY,

AND HE INVITED ME

TO COME WITH HIM.

I REALLY:

REALLY WANNA GO.

I'VE NEVER BEEN OU OF THE COUNTRY BEFORE,

AND I'M SO

INTO BOB MARLEY.

BUT GEORGE IS GIVING ME

A HARD TIME AT WORK

WITH ALL THE PHOTO

CLEARANCES PILING UP,

SO I CONVINCED HIM

THAT YOU COULD COVER FOR ME

WHILE I WAS AWAY.

IT'S JUS FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

SURE.

WHATEVER YOU NEED.

YOU ARE THE BEST.

I OWE YOU A MAJOR FAVOR!

( shrieks )

( classical music playing )

Henry:

OW OW OW.

OW OW OW.

OW. OH, HELLO!

- HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M ALL RIGHT.

YOU CERTAINLY:

SEEM BETTER.

YES, MY FUNK

HAS LIFTED,

ALTHOUGH I COULDN' TELL YOU WHY.

I GOT A CALL:

FROM THE GAS STATION.

THEY SAID JUST TO GE MY CAR TO RUN

WILL COS A SMALL FORTUNE.

I DID, HOWEVER, HEAR

ABOUT A VERY PROMISING

ROOM IN PALM BEACH.

- GOOD FOR YOU.

- WHICH REMINDS ME--

I HAVE A PROPOSAL

WHICH MIGH SAVE YOU MONEY.

WHAT IF YOU WERE

TO LET ME BORROW YOUR CAR

TO KEEP WITH ME:

IN FLORIDA,

JUST FOR TWO MONTHS-

IN EXCHANGE FOR:

MY PAYING:

YOUR AUTO INSURANCE

DURING THAT TIME.

SO THAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION

FOR SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN?

WELL--

PARTIALLY, YES.

IT'S AN IDEA I THOUGH WOULD BENEFIT US BOTH.

WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW

THROUGH ON YOUR OFFER

TO INTRODUCE ME:

TO VIVIAN CUDLIP'S NIECE?

THAT WOULD BE OF

A LOT MORE USE TO ME

RIGHT NOW:

THAN INSURANCE MONEY.

NO, I CAN'T.

IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

WHY?

IS SOMETHING:

SO WRONG WITH ME?

( sighs )

UH, IT'S--

I CAN'T LEND YOU MY CAR.

IT HAS SPECIAL MEANING.

MY FATHER LEFT IT TO ME.

I DIDN'T MEAN

TO UPSET YOU.

LET'S JUST SWEEP

THE WHOLE SUGGESTION

UNDER THE CARPET.

- HMM?

- ( phone ringing )

EXCUSE ME.

H. HARRISON.

WHY, GERSHON,

WHAT A SURPRISE.

MY CAR?

YES, IT DID.

YOU WILL?

UH, I--

I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.

ANTIQUES:

EVERY OTHER SENTIMEN AN ANTIQUE

AS OBSOLETE AS WARSHIPS

IN THE BALTIC:

WHEN I'M DRIVING

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