The Faculty Page #2

---

quarterbacks, not academic wanna-bes.

Don't be superficial.

"Superficial."

Four syllables.

That's really good, Stan.

You're on your way.

Let me know how

the cancer cure goes.

I was hoping you'd be

with me on this.

Now, if everyone will turn

to chapter four:

"The Nation of the State."

"Only through conformity

among the masses...

can the unified state offer the benefits

of power order and security."

Actually, we covered that

last week, Mr Tate.

We're on chapter five.

Whatever.

Now if you could all please

join Stan on chapter five:

"Individual Action in Society."

What are you reading?

Double Star.

Robert Heinlein.

You one of those

science fiction people?

Y'all believe in alternate universes

and alien beings and stuff?

I'm feeling pretty alien

myself today.

I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson

of Atlanta. I'm new here.

- No sh*t.

- What's your name?

Why do you want

to know my name?

'Cause I don't have

any friends.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem

to have one less than that.

- So I just thought

- Stokely, are you seducing the new students again?

Hi. I'm Delilah.

- Happy to have you at Herrington.

- Thank you.

Don't you love the way Stokely accessorizes

different shades of black in her ensemble?

- F*** you, gutter slut.

- I don't know why you insist...

on being such a bad example

for your people.

- What people?

- I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your new friend.

No.

I'm not aware of any lesbianism

in my lineage.

That's too bad, Stokely. You'll just

have to keep looking for Miss Right.

Bipolar b*tch.

Violent.

Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- I was just eating my lunch, sir.

This ain't the cafeteria, son.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

You're

- I forget your name.

- Casey.

Right.

I've seen you around.

You're not really

into sports.

I don't think a person should run

unless he's being chased.

"Being chased."

I like that.

Get outta here.

- Mrs Brummel, may I have a word with you?

- Certainly.

Man, get a f***ing eye dog.

Maybe if you didn't paint

your f***ing eyes shut.

- Mr Furlong.

- Present.

Found something

on the football field.

Thought you might want

to take a look.

- What is it?

- I was hoping you could tell me.

Want to be

lab partners?

I didn't know

you were a lesbian.

I don't think

I've ever met one before.

Have you been out long?

I think it's very impressive

and evolved of you

I'm not a lesbian,

all right?

Be one. Please.

Fly free.

You were right about me. I don't have

any friends, and I like it that way.

- Being a lesbian is just my security.

- Your security against what?

People like you.

Complex.

Certain mesozoan...

only exist in the kidney

of certain squid and octopi.

- Which doesn't make sense because

- This is Ohio.

Right.

It's a pelagic organism.

- What's pelagic?

- A sea-dwelling organism.

Exactly.

But I don't recognize

this surface tissue at all.

Casey, I don't want to blow smoke up your butt,

but I think you found a new species.

Yeah, right.

It could happen. New species

are discovered every day.

- Don't be so cynical.

- Could it be gnathostomulida?

- No.

- They escaped detection till the mid-20th century.

You just know

everything.

I'm a contradiction.

Check the mesodermic follicles

on its underbelly.

- What does that mean?

- It means we gotta call the university,

let them take a look, maybe get in

on some of that federal grant money.

Our secret...

all right?

- Hey, Stokely, maybe it's from your planet.

- Blow me, blood fart.

Did you see that?

What is it doing?

- You think it's amphibian?

- Water resuscitated it.

Yeah, but couldn't this kill it?

Yeah, you don't want

to drown it.

- One way to find out.

- Man.

It's all right.

It's okay.

Mr Furlong,

what are you doing?

I'm just gonna check

his prostate.

Actually,

the surface texture changed,

so... I want to feel it.

It can replicate.

Jesus.

F***!

Goddamn it!

- I'm okay.

- It has teeth.

Where did it get teeth?

I'm gonna call the university.

I've just been thinking

ahead, Coach,

and...

I've decided

to quit the team...

and concentrate

on my academics.

Okay.

Stan, we'll miss you.

That's it?

Well, what do you

want me to say?

My star quarterback comes to me the day

before we play Brun County,

the only team in the district

that can kick our ass,

and tells me

he doesn't want to play.

There's something up with that.

You seem to be going through

some life-defining turning point,

and I'm not gonna stand in the way

of the human condition.

You do what you have to do.

Thanks for not reaming me,

Coach.

What kind of human being

would I be if I did that?

Hey, give me that back.

Hey, yo, piss wad,

you're in my way.

I'm sorry.

I was breathing here.

Yeah, that's the problem.

You're occupying my air, you anal probe.

Hey.

Yo, Stan.

Tomorrow night, right?

That's right.

We'll kill them!

We draw blood! Yeah!

- It must really blow being you.

- You have no idea.

Yo, Casey, is that you?

- Mrs Brummel, what the f***

- Please.

Help me.

I can't breathe.

Get help!

You don't know what's happening.

They want everyone.

It's okay.

Is Mrs Brummel

gonna be okay?

Stan, Mrs Brummel has been

diagnosed with cancer,

and she's on a lot

of medication at the moment.

It causes

disorientation.

We were hoping that she would get through

the school year, but unfortunately it

I hope you can understand

the sensitive nature of the situation.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I can keep it quiet.

Casey? You understand?

Casey, you understand?

- Casey?

- Yeah.

Sure.

- It's Neve Campbell?

- And Jennifer Love Hewitt, right?

Yep.

Party of prettiness.

- And they're naked?

- Full frontal.

Zeke, you cannot conduct

personal business on school property.

Well, Miss Burke,

we have a problem...

because I'm sitting on my car

and that's my property.

Well, I've had complaints

from several students...

that you've sold them

mind-altering substances.

You want to tell me about it

or take it up with Principal Drake?

You're too tense, Miss Burke,

but I've got just the thing for you.

You know, Zeke, I'm the authority figure

here. It's time you realized that.

"For gentle relief of blockage

caused by dietary stress."

- Chocolate-flavoured laxatives.

- You know...

if you applied

just five percent...

- of that intellect to your studies,

- Not a chocolate lover?

you could have made up

your finals last summer.

- You didn't have to repeat your senior year.

- How about these?

Condoms.

Magnum-sized,

and they're cherry-flavoured.

Come on, Miss Burke.

They're on me.

That's so rude.

I need a lead story.

I have no page one.

Well, we found a new phylum

in Biology. It's bizarre.

Really bizarre. Mr Furlong thinks

it might be a new species.

Let me race to the

stands for that issue.

- Why do you rag on me so much? What did I do?

- Nothing.

It's just your fate.

You're that geeky Stephen King kid.

There's one of you

in every school.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes