The Fake News with Ted Nelms

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Welcome to "The Fake

News." I'm Ted Nelms.

Thanks for inviting

me into your home.

I love what you've

done with the place.

We've got a lot to get to,

so let's jump right in.

First, Hurricane Randy

on the warpath.

Destination, Florida. Main

course, massive damage.

All that despite having

the really laid-back,

cool name of Randy.

Then, President Trump still

trapped at the bottom of a well.

After seven days, are we any

closer to a successful rescue?

And an exclusive with

Senator Bill Cassidy

on his failed attempt

to eat an entire cow.

Am I disappointed?

Absolutely.

It is a

disappointment for myself.

I am Ted Nelms, and this

is "The Fake News."

Dun, da-da-dun, da-da-dun

Da-da-da-da-da-dun

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Welcome to the TFN

Newsquarters.

I'm Ted Nelms.

Let's get started in

Florida with team coverage

of Hurricane Randy.

We've got Abby Wofsy

running late a few blocks away,

Stewart

McCoy in a tree,

and Mark Telfer

is bearing the brunt

of the storm

in the Florida Keys.

Thanks, Mark.

Thanks, Ted. I'm here...

Not so fast.

Mark, let's go to TFN meteorologist Jane Gordon

standing by in the

TFN Severe Weather Lounge.

Jane?

Ted, moments ago,

Hurricane Randy

was upgraded from a

category 4 to a category 5.

Oh, my God!

Jane, explain

for our viewers,

but not to me,

because I already know,

the difference

between a category-4

and a category-5 hurricane.

- Well, it's one

worse, Ted. -Got it.

Now the storm surges

could be as high as 10 feet.

To put that in everyday terms,

an African pygmy mouse

is 1.8 inches long.

If you strap 66.667 pygmy

mice end to end on a board,

then turn

that board vertically,

the height of

the mice would be the height of the storm surge.

And, for

our viewers who may be in Randy's path,

what should they do?

Learn a second language

or a musical instrument.

It will enrich

your life immeasurably.

Great advice.

Thanks, Jane.

Now, over

to the Florida Keys,

where Randy

is expected to leave nothing but rubble.

Mark Telfer is there.

Mark, news

me right in the face!

Hi, Ted.

Here in the Keys,

residents are

racing to prep for the storm

by boarding

up their homes,

tying down loved

ones, and fleeing town.

Meanwhile, the National

Guard is stockpiling on diesel,

clean water, and canned

goods for hundreds of reporters

like me who are an

unnecessary burden on the community.

Now, Mark, I

was expecting the scene

to be a little more intense.

Well, Randy hasn't

made landfall in the U.S. yet,

Ted, so it's still

relatively calm here.

But is it making

landfall elsewhere?

Yes, it is, Ted.

Oh, hi, Jane.

Oh, hi, Ted.

The Italian

Antilles are being pummeled

by the hurricane as we speak.

That sounds terrifying.

Mark, I can't

believe you'll be reporting

from that location

next time we see you.

Well, that is going to

be a little bit difficult, Ted.

They have banned all

travel to and from the islands.

All the

more incredible that you're going to

find a

way to get there. God, I admire you, Mark.

Yeah. Okay, Ted.

Later, evacuation or evacu-cation?

Could this

mandatory doomsday exodus

turn into that

relaxing getaway your family has been craving?

But first, a quick correction.

Yesterday, we

reported on a new theme park

that allows

visitors to live out their Wild West fantasies

with the help

of lifelike robots.

That turned

out to be a TV show.

[ Scooter

crashes ] Man:
Ow!

Hurricane

Randy isn't the only major crisis

facing America --

President Donald Trump,

still stuck in a well.

Gail Claymore

is live at the scene.

Gail, on your

mark, get set, news.

[ Gunshot ] Hi, Ted.

We are here in a remote corner

of the

White House grounds

where the President

remains trapped in a well

like a helpless child.

Here's a look back on

just how America found itself

in this extraordinary pickle.

It was

just one week ago

that the President

somehow stumbled

into this

abandoned well.

First

came the denials.

Boorman:
So

despite these well rumors,

you stand by

the official statement

that

President Trump is merely vacationing

on his

private island hunting other humans for sport?

I think I made pretty

clear where the President is.

But then came the tweets.

"Failing media won't

give Trump credit.

Nobody has ever gone inside

a well this deep before.

I have the best well."

Initial attempts at

a rescue immediately fail

when first responders

realize their rope is too short.

Then, an unsettling

tweet from the President --

"Feeling lonely and scared

but grateful for this time alone

to contemplate the true value

of character, honor,

kindness and empathy.

Though my fate is uncertain,

I am not afraid,

for I know America is greater

than any one president,

and her truths will live on,

even if I do not."

But concerns over his

mental health are put to rest

when the President tweets

again, calming an anxious nation.

"Forget what I said before!

America is carnage!

Obama is a Muslim!

Suck my bonespurs. #MAGA."

Then tragedy strikes.

From Washington DC, the

news is apparently official.

President

Donald Trum... p's

cellphone battery...

has died.

And today, day

seven, yet another new rope,

and, Ted, it's still too short.

Gail, I have to

believe that there is a rope

long enough to

reach the President.

There just isn't, Ted.

They've looked.

- In the garage?

- I would assume, yes,

but

I will get back to you on that.

Okay. Thank you, Gail.

Turning

now to our panel,

is falling in

a well presidential?

I'm joined by Grant

Burdock, who used to host this show

until he was caught

lying about his military record,

and presidential

historian Nora Samuels-Newman.

Nora, is there

precedent for this?

Not exactly,

Ted, but, yes, a lot.

Benjamin Harrison spent three

months in the belly of a whale,

but back then, presidents

didn't matter very much.

Fascinating.

Grant, presidential?

Ted, I'm offended

by the idea that presidents

have to act a

certain way simply because

they happen to be president.

That's just... racist.

No, it isn't.

And for another angle,

let's turn to

Stu McCoy in a tree.

Stu, is the President

being presidential?

Not sure, Ted.

I'm in a tree.

Sorry. I've

got to cut away.

Breaking

news in the murder trial of Branson Sutcliffe,

heir to the

Sutcliffe Caramel fortune.

Sutcliffe Caramel

Real cream

Real yummy

Let's go live

to Chase Terry, who is outside the courthouse.

Chase, what's happening?

Hi, Ted.

Sutcliffe's attorneys

have called a

sudden press conference.

As you can see, the

podium behind me is filled

with microphones indicating

an important announcement.

Surely, they'll

arrive any moment now.

Perhaps

we should check back in later, Chase.

Ted. Ted, uh, right now,

I'm sensing a palpable shift

in the energy out here

much the same way a herd of elk

would sense a

predator in their midst.

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