The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #2

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Surely, the defense team

will be arriving right... now.

Right now.

[

Whispers ] Right -- Right now.

Okay. Chase,

why don't we check back in with you later?

Oh, hey, Ted! Uh, uh,

Ted, um, I have a new development.

Yeah!

Yeah?

I don't know. I don't know.

Chase, we

got a lot to get to.

When we return, Hurricane

Randy... [ Guitar riff plays ]

.

..can't stop, won't stop,

plus, is there

a moose in your house?

The answer

may surprise you.

And I hold President

Trump's feet to the fire

in an exclusive

pre-well interview.

Okay. Let's role-play for a minute.

Pretend I'm Bruce

Willis in "The Sixth Sense."

And you see dead people?

No, the kid sees dead

people. Bruce Willis is the ghost.

Remember? I mean,

it's a little complicated.

Bruce Willis is a dead person,

so I guess he

also sees dead people,

but that's not

the gimmick of the movie.

Do

you want to just watch it again?

Can't do that.

Forget it.

Announcer:
"TFN"

-- Opiate of the masses.

And we're back. In a minute,

Hillary Clinton opens up

on the surprising

amount of feces

in the State

Department hallways.

I was

very disturbed by that, and I thought,

"You know, we

need to bring it up.

Don't pretend

that you can hide it

under the rug

or in the corner."

But first, the

Trapped-nited States of In-a-well-merica --

our continuing coverage

of President Trump

trapped in a well.

Let's check back in

with Gail Claymore.

Gail, have you ever had a dream

where your hands fall off?

I've had dreams

where all my teeth fell out.

Yeah. That's

stress-related.

This is different.

What's happening at the well?

It's

getting dire, Ted.

Rescuers are running out

of options and, frankly, patience.

I'll be

honest with you.

These are some of the

best America has to offer,

and even they are losing steam.

Gail, Gail, Gail.

[ Chuckles ]

Ted?

One second.

There's a guy behind you

being

an absolute cutup. Find out who that is.

Sir, can you

come here for a second?

Can you please give us your name?

[ Chuckles ] Uh...

Mike --

"Mike

Rotch." [My Crotch]

Very pleased

to make your acquaintance, Mr. Rotch.

Will you tell us

a little about yourself?

Uh, I saw the camera,

and I was just, like,

"What if"

-- I don't know.

Mr. Rotch,

let me tell you

what you just

did right there -- You took a tense moment,

and you

imbued it with levity,

telling America

it's okay to smile again,

and I, for one,

thank you for that.

Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbht!

[ Chuckles ]

It's good stuff.

It's just good stuff.

I'm looking

forward to the next national tragedy

just to see what

you do with it, Mike.

Gail, give

him your cell number.

-Awesome. -What?

Being in a well might not

be good for a president's survival

or hygiene, for that matter,

but what does it

do to his approval ratings?

Well, it turns out, it

helps quite a bit, actually,

and his Republican

colleagues have taken notice,

many jumping

into wells of their own.

Hunter:
[ Echoing

] Trump is in charge.

The President

knows what he's doing.

Harris:
[ Echoing ]

So what we're going to do

is we're going to

follow the President's lead.

Ryan:
[ Echoing ] I

think it's in our interest

to have party unity.

And no surprise,

the Democratic response

to the President's

situation has been swift,

fierce, and well coordinated.

Um, uh...

Uh, uh...

Uh...

Um...

Uh, ah...

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Hello?

Bold words. We'll

see if they can make good

on those promises.

Of course, many

Americans are asking

what it's

like inside the well.

What's President

Trump going through?

Our own augmented-reality

correspondent, Karl Boormann,

is here to

give us a virtual look.

Thanks, Ted. First

off, the well is 5 feet wide,

which is about the size

of a common floaty toy,

perhaps a unicorn, which

would help the President

if the well filled

up with liquid

unless that liquid were acid,

in which case the President

would be instantly dissolved.

But, as of now,

the well is dry,

most

likely strewn with garbage,

Gatorade bottles,

cigarette butts,

old nudie mags, Penthouse,

Club International,

that sort of thing.

And since the well

was dug in 1881,

we

have to assume the President

is currently surrounded

with human skeletons,

a grounds keeper,

Warren G. Harding's

mistress, and so forth.

It

seems a little outlandish.

Does it, meat puppet?

[ Chuckles ] Well,

this is my realm,

a binary reality

of ones and zeros!

You can't catch me, Ted,

for I am the

[ Distorted voice ] Data Lord!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Pure information!

Unbound by the petty

strictures of matter,

manipulating cyber pulses

in a digital orchestra.

[ Normal voice ]

H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Okay. Thanks, Carl.

He does

this. He'll tire himself out eventually.

In the meantime,

Target has released

a new litter of

seasonal workers

from its corporate

birthing sack.

Genetically identical

team members

will be put down after

the holiday rush.

Returning now to

Hurricane Randy.

[ Guitar riff plays ] Not

every story of the storm

is a nightmarish fox-trot with

a dance partner named Death.

Sometimes it's an uplifting

waltz with a homespun hero.

On

tonight's "Good Samari-cans,"

we spotlight one man

who is helping out.

Aliena:
Meet

Charlie Shelton,

a data specialist

from Youngstown, Ohio.

He's

the founder of a charity

that collects an item most

relief organizations overlook.

So this is the panty pantry.

Great.

This is it.

Reporter:
The panty pantry.

It may look like an

ordinary suburban garage,

but inside is a meticulously

organized collection

of female undergarments

waiting to clothe needy

disaster survivors.

When our crack team

of TFN Helper Hunters

discovered your website,

I was literally blown

away by your dedication

to the cause that every woman,

man, and child needs underwear.

Just women's panties, though.

Why specifically panties?

I mean, if you think

about it, it's, like, the hardest thing,

probably, to get in a

disaster situation.

Hmm.

There's some crazy disaster,

and -- and

-- and you just need panties, right?

Right.

How are you going to get them?

Nobody has got panties.

Yeah. They're out

of generators.

They're out of panties.

I just

felt like this was, like --

This is where I can

do the most --

This is where I can

do the most good.

But if Charlie Shelton's

going to do the most good,

he's going to need a little

help from the rest of us.

And how can people donate to

this amazing, inspiring cause?

Just send,

you know, send, like, all the panties

that you can... Uh-huh.

...to the address

on the website.

And you want fresh

packaged underwear?

Oh, god, no. What?

Yeah, no.

I mean, if

-- I-i-if that's what you have, sure.

Ideally, it's been -- You know,

it's a little lived-in, right?

So, yeah.

Just send them to the

address on the website,

all types, it doesn't matter

[ Whispers

] and you don't have to wash them.

I'm sorry. What?

What?

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