The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #3

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Yeah.

You don't have to wash them.

Oh.

So you wash them all here?

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

We take care of it. Great.

Don't -- Don't worry about it.

What?

I didn't say anything.

Okay. I didn't either.

And that's just one

way that every day,

good samari-cans

are pitching in.

I'm Aliana Aliena, proud to

have made my own donation

to

this inspiring new effort.

Pretty

inspiring story, right, Stu McCoy in a tree?

What? Never mind.

Yet another

breaking news story, so many today.

TFN has confirmed that

famed ventriloquist

Eric Lepay has died.

The world will miss Lepay

and his beloved gaggle of puppets.

Our hearts go

out to all of them,

as well as the

215 other passengers

who were onboard

his flight when it crashed.

Eric Lepay, you will be missed.

Ted?

Thanks, Ted.

Guns. Guns?

Half of

America thinks they're instruments of death

designed for killing fellow human beings,

and the other

half is against them.

Last night,

I hosted TFN's "Gun Control Town Hall."

Here's where

things got real.

But that's a tired argument.

Then go to Denmark!

What are you doing here?

- Okay. All right. -Yeah.

Okay. One at a time.

Robert, you were saying?

I was saying

the data is staggering.

There are now

more guns than children.

Wow.

That's arbitrary

and meaningless.

It's true.

Unrestricted

gun ownership

is a

constitutional right.

Guys, what do you

say we just take this

out of the

abstract and make it real?

[ Gunshot ]

-Oh! -Aah!

[ People screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Whimpering ]

It's okay.

It's okay. Relax.

So,

Bethany, you just saw gun violence firsthand.

[ Groaning ]

How are you feeling,

and what are you thinking?

[ Voice breaking ] Uh, maybe,

if there was a -- a good guy

with a gun who, maybe, could

have been here to intervene...

It's a good point, and

a good guy with a gun

could definitely

have stopped me from shooting a second person,

but he'd have no

way of knowing that I've been planning to shoot

Robert

ever since we invited him on this panel.

[ Groaning ]

[ Chuckling

] How did this get so weird all of a sudden?

Ugh.

Just a reminder

-- that awesome town hall

airs tonight at 9:00.

I'm joined

now by TFN legal correspondent Glen Burke.

Glen, do you think

a good guy with a gun

could have made

a difference there?

Ted, the bigger

issue right now is that you

shot a man

on television.

You're going to be

charged with attempted murder.

Nice try,

Glen. I think we all know the only thing

I'm guilty of is

journalistic excellence.

Once again,

that full town hall will air tonight at 9:00.

Yeah. I just don't

think you should air it.

It's

pretty graphic, and it's awful,

and you're definitely

going to be arrested, Ted.

Okay. Let's go with

your premise for a second.

Am I off the

hook if the victim refuses to press charges?

I turn to

you, Mr. Frammell. Are you going to snitch?

Uh. [ Chuckles ]

You know, Ted, it's

immaterial whether or not

the victim testifies.

The entire crime

was caught on television,

and then you aired it, and

it's also probably not a good idea

to intimidate

your victim on television.

You're just making

a bad situation worse.

Yeah. Okay.

Thanks, Glen.

- Mm-hmm.

- Robert, watch your back.

A note to

our viewers -- This discussion falls under

attorney-client

privilege, so, in sharing this clip,

please

use the hashtag #AttorneyClientPrivilege,

and, while you're doing that,

don't forget to

follow me on Twitter,

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and hi-herp me on Ger,

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And flacka me on Flololo!

You're

watching "The Fake News."

This is "The Fake

News with Ted Nelms,"

and

I'm pretty sure that's me.

Later in the hour, Secretary

of State Rex Tillerson

finally meets the man America

voted for him to have sex with.

We shall see.

And there they go.

We'll find out how that

went later in the hour.

But, first, let's check

in on Hurricane Randy,

currently making landfall

over the Italian Antilles.

Mark Telfer is there so you

and your family don't have to be.

Mark, how deadly

are things looking?

Well, it is a scene

of utter hell here, Ted.

Officials are

saying it could take decades

to rebuild this

already tattered island.

Mark, the ocean behind you

looks like a roiling cauldron.

Could you possibly

get a little closer

to give us a better

view of its magnificent power?

Probably not, Ted.

A CNN reporter

was nearly swept away

just an hour

ago in this very spot.

It sounds

extremely dangerous, Mark.

Why not get a little closer?

Well, I'm already as close

as one can get to the storm, Ted.

Excuse me, Ted.

Mark could

actually get closer.

There

is a tiny island just a few miles east

of his current location.

I knew it!

Ted, the island that Jane

is referring to is uninhabited.

There are no people

there, no animals there.

There are certainly

no reporters there.

Ted, it's

a death trap.

Sure, Mark, but

how can you expect anyone to understand that

without seeing

you in the middle of it?

I'm a journalist, Ted.

Can

they just take my word for it?

Pics or it didn't

happen, Mark. You know that.

Mark Telfer putting

his life on the line,

so you don't have

to, and why would you?

That would be insane.

Moving on from Old

England to New England.

Queen Elizabeth II has

signed a 3-year contract

with

the New England Patriots.

Her signing bonus?

A silver marmot.

I'm getting word that lawyers

for murderous rich kid

Branson Sutcliffe have begun

their press conference.

Our own Chase Terry is

still on the scene.

Let's cut to the chase!

Hi, Ted.

The tension outside

the Geffen Courthouse

is palpable.

Correct me

if I'm wrong, Chase.

It appears

Sutcliffe's lawyers still haven't arrived?

They

have not, but I do have someone

who was

inside the courtroom.

This is custodian Roy Baker,

who was just in

the courtroom last night.

Mr. Baker, what

was it like in there?

It was a real mess.

It was like someone

spilled a soft drink

or juice, real sticky.

What was the mood

like in the courtroom?

Pretty spooky.

I thought I

heard a voice once.

Okay, Chase. We

really need to not call in

unless there

is something happening.

Well, there is

actually a lot happening here.

We've got some

spooky voices, spills...

Chase, you don't have to

do all this to get my attention.

What? Why would I...

Chase...

Just because your

mom and I are dating,

that

doesn't mean I'm trying to replace your dad.

I mean that. Okay?

Okay.

All right.

And now for a

little a-news-bouche.

What happens

when a regular person

becomes a real-life superhero?

A brave bystander

saving a mother

who is carrying her daughter

who is carrying

her pet rabbit.

His name is Stevie Rivera,

and he joins us via satellite.

Stevie, how does it feel

to be a beloved national hero

who looked the Grim

Reaper square in the face

and then courageously

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