The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #4

---

spat right in his empty eyehole?

Uh, I don't know about that.

I was just trying to get home,

and it looked like

they were in serious trouble,

and I thought,

"These guys might not make it

if I don't help them."

Well, that

woman and her daughter owe their lives to you.

I'm just

glad they're safe.

And let's not

forget the rabbit, whose name, I understand,

is Shoe?

I'm happy to

know Shoe is okay, too.

Now I just

called Shoe a he,

but is that the

rabbit's actual gender?

I don't really know.

So you didn't

get a look at the rabbit's genitals at all?

I was mostly just focused

on getting everyone to safety.

That's amazing, Stevie.

I applaud you for

having the self-control

not to

spread some fur apart

and take a

peek at that little rabbit's undercarriage

just

to see what you're working with, right?

I just wasn't

concerned about that.

Okay. Well, Stevie,

before you go, I have to ask --

Are you running

for President in 2020?

That had not

even crossed my mine.

All right. Well,

whatever you decide,

you'll

always be a hero who saved two women and Shoe,

the gender-fluid rabbit.

Thanks for stopping by.

Thanks for having me.

Later on "The Fake News,"

virtual pornography

for the elderly.

Find out how it could help you

save on your heating bill.

And tensions are rising

near the Sea of Japan

after North Korea

conducts a test

of its controversial

new fart bombs.

Yikes. Do not go in there,

and by there, I mean

the Sea of Japan.

You're

watching "The Fake News."

Announcer:
"TFN" -- Who's

gonna stop us, you?

Welcome back to "The Fake News."

Later in the hour,

Senator Claire McCaskill

learns professional

wrestling is not real.

Are you kidding?!

But first, an unsettling

development in the story

of self-styled hero

Stevie Rivera.

A Facebook photo has

emerged in which Rivera

appears to mock recording

artist Nicki Minaj.

The backlash has been

swift and fierce.

Mr. Rivera joins me now

to discuss this

disturbing revelation.

Mr. Rivera,

you let America believe you were a selfless,

real-life Superman,

solid marriage material,

but

now, we're all saying, "Hang on."

Are you the best

person ever, or the worst lowlife in history?

I think maybe neither.

I mean, I definitely

did not mean to offend anyone.

My friend Joanna asked

if she could use my face

to make a funny party

invite, and I said "sure."

Uh-huh. Listen

to these tweets.

"You suck"

and "You're sexist,"

and this one

really surprised me --

"Go kill yourself!

# gross."

That last

one is particularly harsh, and I wrote it.

It sounds like I hurt

a lot of people's feelings,

and you know what? That's on me,

and I just need

to learn a little bit more

about these issues.

Do you regret

trying to fool America

into thinking

you were a hero by saving those people?

I don't know. Maybe next

time I'll just mind my own business.

Yeah, I think you should.

Shoe is a girl, by the way.

I had them send me

a picture of her genitals.

Stop assuming

all rabbits are boys.

Get off my show!

You make

me sick, #gross,

and I'd

like to issue a correction for something

I said earlier

in the broadcast.

It's not a good afternoon.

Later in the hour, Mick

Mulvaney settling into

his new role as acting

director of Nightmares.

By the way, I'm just

learning about the powers

that

I have as acting director.

They

would frighten most of you.

But

first, Internet trolls --

they're coarsening our discourse

and dividing our nation.

Is there anything

we can do about it?

Let's turn,

again, to our panel.

Joining Grant and Nora

is Grammy-nominated

folk flautist Peter Thrush.

[ Jazzy

flute music plays ]

That ruled.

Peter, did you write that or improvise it?

-Improvised. -Nice.

Artists are

often unfairly targeted by the troll community.

As a musician,

how would you deal with a troll assault?

Well, Ted, after

getting over the initial shock

of finding out

trolls are real creatures,

I'd look for a weapon

to fight them, like a spear.

No. No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

We're talking

about Internet trolls,

which

are people who say mean things online

because they

hate themselves.

Sorry. I [clears

throat] misunderstood.

Yeah. I think you did.

But, you

know, you raise an interesting point.

What if these

trolls were actual trolls?

Nora, your thoughts?

Look, Ted. If only

10% of America's bridges

have trolls, that's still

a staggering number of trolls!

It is. That's a

terrifying statistic, if true.

Grant, trolls? Talk.

I would conjecture that

we are not prepared for this.

They can emerge at any time,

attack axes

glinting in the moonlight.

Well, no.

I would argue that our military is equipped

to handle a

troll raiding party.

Yes, but you're

not taking into account

their possibly

bullet-proof skin.

Well, please let me finish.

I was about

to suggest that trolls

likely carry

unknown bacteria.

Look. Millions

dying of root plague

probably

wish they had their skulls crushed in

by the first wave

of iron-battle boots.

But how would they know

now is the best time to strike

while our President

is stuck in a hole?

Because

maybe the trolls got to the President first.

For more, we turn to Gail Claymore

live at the White House.

Gail, is the

President in danger?

We just don't know.

Even now, our

President may be in chains

working the

troll-slave mines.

That's a

horrible fate to imagine for our President.

Are there any

other possibilities?

Maybe, just as he

shocked America in 2016,

Trump has taken the

lava throne from King Tharg

and begun his

hypothetical reign

as Donald I, King of Subterranea.

But does Donald

Trump actually have a shot

at the granite crown?

For a deeper look, we turn

to TFN political analyst

Nelson Najar. Nelson?

Ted, assuming

Subterranea uses an electoral college,

Donald Trump

comes into this race with a lot of negatives.

He's never been a

disciplined campaigner,

and he's not a troll.

His soft

pink flesh will be seen as a mark of weakness

by the troll

voters if they exist.

Does Trump even have

a path to victory, here?

He does, and that

path's name is Tharg.

Okay. For those

unfamiliar with troll politics,

tell us about Tharg.

Tharg has been

around a long time,

and the Tharg name

carries a lot of baggage.

For all those

trolls saying, "This is Tharg's time to rule.

Get out of Tharg's

way or be sacrificed

to the blind

serpent of the pit,"

just as many think

it's time to hurl Tharg

into the sun at

the center of the Earth.

Break it down

on the map for us.

Trolls are

notoriously hard to poll

since they don't have

phones and may not exist,

but we can

assume that having fallen

from what trolls

think of as the sky,

Trump would be

worshipped as a deity.

And that's

appealing to voters?

It won't

play in the troll cities on the Volcano Coast,

but here, those are

the troll fungus farms.

Those farmers

are more religious,

and

they feel left out of the economic boom

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote