The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #5

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that followed

King Grolzek's discovery

of the great spider's gold.

Those rural

trolls literally have an axe to grind.

I'm pegging

his chances at 83%.

Of course, margin

of error doesn't apply here

because it's

all made up, but look.

I wrote him

off on election day,

and I'm never

making that mistake again.

Thank you, Nelson. Now sleep.

After the break, Senator

Mitch McConnell

breaks his silence on

Thomas Edison's invention

of the light bulb.

What a terrific idea.

Later in the hour, my

exclusive pre-well interview

with

President Trump...

Assuming another

Supreme Court slot opens up

during your tenure,

who's on your short list?

I like Coach Belichick,

and Tom

Brady is my friend.

That's an

all-star lineup.

...plus in health news,

can humans eat sunshine?

The answer, which is

no, when we return.

Welcome back to "The Fake

News with Ted Nelms."

I'm your host, Ted Nelms.

Breaking news, Mark

Telfer's exclusive report

on

Hurricane Randy's assault

on

uninhabited island B-3-11-J.

Mark, paint us a news picture.

I'm barely... able

to hold on, Ted!

What's that, Mark? We can't

quite hear what you're saying.

I:

said, "I'm really, really scared."

I don't think it was

a good idea to come here.

Yeah, but the footage!

Mark, the

footage is glorious.

Tell Rita that I'm

so-o-o-o-- oh!

Mark, Mark!

Uh -- Do we have him?

Is he there?

My God.

Ladies and

gentlemen, it, uh...

It appears the

unthinkable has happened.

We have lost a

colleague in the line of duty.

[ Inhales deeply ]

No matter

how experienced,

trusted or highly

rated a journalist you are,

you just really can't prepare

for a truly

senseless tragedy like this.

You've got to

ask yourself, "Why?"

Rest in

peace, Mark Telfer,

and if they don't...

Ted!

Mark?

Mark!

I -- I slipped,

[

Chuckling ] but I think I'm okay.

Oh, we still got you.

All right.

Hey. He's alive.

Hey. What happened?

Well, I -- The --

Waaaah!

Mark? Mark!

Is he gone?!

[ Whispers ] Is

he really gone this time?

Okay.

You got to ask yourself, "Why?"

Rest in

peace, Mark Telfer,

and if St. Peter won't let

you through those pearly gates,

you just show

him your press pass.

God damn it, Mark!

You finally

got your scoop!

Later in the hour,

avocado

toast -- What is it?

Why is everybody suddenly

talking about it all the time?

We'll

search for answers.

And now, turning to "Dog News,"

no! No!

Down! No!

Now, turning back to

our human programming,

the makers of

weight-loss drug Novene

are under investigation

for covering up side effects

including

severe depression

and all of your skin

falling off in one big piece,

which, obviously,

results in a gruesome death,

but are the allegations true?

We'll get to the bottom of it.

Full disclosure

-- "The Fake News"

is a wholly owned

subsidiary of Novene.

Joining us here

for an objective breakdown

is TFN health

correspondent Amy Sussman,

who, full disclosure,

works for Novene,

legal analyst Eric

Hanson, who, full disclosure,

is an

attorney for Novene.

They're joined

by regular panelists

Nora Samuels-Newman,

who, full disclosure,

signed a gag order with

Novene in a previous lawsuit,

and Grant Burdock,

who, full disclosure,

just really

loves Novene.

Rounding out the panel

is a man in a brown overcoat,

who, full disclosure,

I don't recognize

and appears to think

this is a bar or diner.

Amy, let's

start with you.

Ted, there's no story here.

Okay. Eric?

This is a really

nothing burger, Ted.

Nora?

Sorry, Ted, gag order --

lots to say,

but can't say it.

-Grant? -Love Novene.

Pop

them like candy, still got all my skin.

All right.

Overcoat guy?

You know,

I go to work. My boss breaks my balls.

I go home. My

wife breaks my balls.

I come here.

You break my balls.

Come on, Ted.

Another day,

another dollar, right?

You got it.

How in the hell did

you get in here, by the way?

Don't answer that.

I'm getting word

that first responders

at the White House well

are making another rescue attempt.

Let's go there live.

Ted, the rescuers

are using a vacuum

to try and

suck the President out,

but it doesn't

seem to be working.

Speaking of the President...

[ Paper rustles ]

it's getting harder and

harder to remember a time

when

he wasn't stuck in a well.

But not too long ago, he

wasn't stuck in a well,

and I sat down with

then-aboveground President Trump

for a little tte--Ted.

Let's take a look.

Mr. President, thank

you for sitting down with me.

I'm sure it's not

easy with your hemorrhoids.

Are they

getting worse?

It's like

they're emboldened.

[

Inhales sharply ] I'm so sorry.

Now you've been

president for almost a year.

How do you think you're doing?

It's really a bad

situation. It's really bad.

Don't be too

hard on yourself, sir.

America has had some

truly terrible presidents.

Surely you're familiar

with Warren G. Harding's legacy.

I did talk

to him about it. I want to help him with it.

I think he's a very good man.

We have a very

good relationship,

as you probably know.

Just to clarify,

Warren G. Harding died in 1923,

but you've been

consulting with his spirit?

It's a very

strange phenomenon.

We get along.

I don't

know if he'll admit this, but he likes me.

Sure. Just take his

advice with a grain of salt.

His administration was one

of the worst in American history.

Take a look at

what we've done, too.

We've made

a lot of mistakes.

How many people have

left flaming bags of poop

at the

White House door?

There was 109 people.

That's just beyond the pale.

They always

do that, not just me.

I mean, they

do it with everybody,

but you

have to get over it.

Well, I can't! Let's move on.

The Mexican border wall.

When are you going to build it?

Well, I think

I already have.

You did? When?

5:
00.

[ Chuckles ] That was fast.

How was

your last golf game?

It was

okay, but a lot of people were killed.

That's great.

Now, on a lighter note,

you recently joked about

putting a trapdoor in the Oval Office

that drops into a tank of sharks.

How is

that coming along?

We're going to be

putting it in fairly soon.

I think that,

yes, I would like to say by the end of the year.

So that wasn't a joke?

We'll see what happens.

Always keeping us

guessing. Well, Mr. President,

I cannot thank

you enough for your time.

If I could ask

you one more question,

of all the cable news

shows, which is your favorite?

It's "Fake News."

That means a lot.

My liege...

[ Fanfare plays ]

President Donald Trump.

He lives in a well now.

Breaking news -- In a story

everyone has been watching,

I'm

getting word that Wanda,

America's favorite pregnant

giraffe at the Minneapolis Zoo,

is about to give

birth to her calf.

Now, if

you're like me,

you have been

glued to the zoo's webcam.

I just love this.

I've been watching

this for the last 15 months.

I can not wait to

see this little miracle.

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