The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #6

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Let's throw it, right

now, to the big moment.

Is it happening?

It's

actually happening.

There's my girl!

All right.

She is clearly

struggling, but very calm.

All moms are

heroes, aren't they?

Oh, now, if

you look closely, ho!

Oh, goodness.

That's...

It's -- It's --

Something is happening.

It appears to be the

front legs of the baby calf

just sticking right

out of her giraffe hole.

Ew. Did she lick it?

Did she lick it?

Oh. Agh.

I bet it's salty!

Agh! Ugh.

It's truly...

It's a miracle, isn't

it, the poetic wonder of --

Oh, dear God.

Oh, God!

No!

And it's out!

[ Laughs ]

Aah! Oh,

it's a waterfall!

Oh, my God!

That can't be right.

There is so much coming out.

[ Vomiting ]

[ Spits ]

God, what

a horror show.

[ Sighs ]

Ahh. Good job, Wanda.

After the break, the

controversial plan

to build an oil pipeline

directly through this

Native American man.

You're

watching "The Fake News."

A 1, 2.

A 1, 2, 3, 4.

[ Jazz-style drumming ]

[ Jazz music plays ]

Announcer:
"TFN" -- The

"T" stands for "The."

[ Posh accent ] Eh, welcome

back to "The Fake News."

At the end of the hour, TFN film

critic/ House Minority leader

Nancy Pelosi takes on

"The Emoji Movie."

This

is really a stink-a-roo.

[ Normal voice ] Harsh

words, but first,

let's check in one more

time with Chase Terry.

Chase, how close are

we to the start of this press conference?

The conference

ended 5 minutes ago, Ted.

I tried to call

in, but no one answered.

I was probably

on the other line.

Can you just

tell us what happened?

It's impossible

to describe what happened.

You really

had to be here.

Well, we're going

to need you to do your best.

That's

what reporters do.

Do you want to hear

what the defense attorney said?

Sure.

Let's start there.

Okay. He said that...

This is a direct

quote, "No further questions."

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Chase,

can we

rap for a sec, not as anchor to reporter,

but as... man

to potential stepson?

Okay.

Look. Your mom and I

really like spending

time with each other,

but I'm going to be honest.

I'm fumbling my way

through this, you know?

We all are.

Nothing about it

is easy for any of us,

but,

after the show, you know, what do you say

we all have

a nice dinner together, the three of us?

I mean, I might

even make pancakes.

Breakfast for dinner?

[ Chuckles ] That

actually sounds kind of fun.

All right. I'm

proud of you, Chase.

Thanks, Ted, or

should I call you Dad?

I don't think

we're there yet, buddy.

More breaking news,

let's hurl it

back to Jane Gordon

in the severe weather lounge.

Ted,

Hurricane Randy has just been upgraded

from a category 5.

But I thought five was the

highest category of hurricane?

We all thought

that, Ted, but the National Weather Service

has just

upgraded Hurricane Randy

from a category 5

to a Nazi. A Nazi?

[ Dramatic

music plays ]

- A Nazi, Ted.

- A Nazi hurricane?

Yes, Ted.

[ Wind whistling ]

Like, a hurricane

that's also a Nazi?

That's what our

data is telling us.

- A Nazi hurricane?

- Yes.

Like, a hurrica-Nazi?

Yes, or a Nazi-cane.

Let's go

with hurrica-Nazi.

Ted, even as a severe

weather professional...

Hang on, Jane.

[ Whistling stops ]

[ Slurping ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Go on.

In all my years

as a meteorologist,

I have never seen this.

Well, of course not.

You study meteors,

and TFN has

some more breaking news.

It appears white

nationalists are rallying in Florida

to support this hurrica-Nazi.

Shelly Wellington

is on the scene. Shelly?

Ted, the wind

is making it hard for these white nationalists

to light their torches,

and their signs

have mostly blown away.

This

Nazi-cane doesn't seem to care who it hurts,

including its

own ideological allies.

Now, Shelly, I've been

calling it a hurrica-Nazi.

I think that's a much

better name than Nazi-cane.

Agree to

disagree, Ted.

Cut her feed.

Now, onto Stu McCoy in the tree.

Stu, are we wrong to

be giving this hurrica-Nazi

such a public platform

for its disgusting ideology?

Yes, we are, Ted.

Stu, are you worried

you might die

like Mark Telfer?

I've got a real

good tree, here, Ted.

I'll be just fine. [ Chuckles ]

Well, if you think

you're about to die, Stu,

you let us know,

so we can cut to you.

Panel! What

are the political implications of all of this?

Republicans will really

benefit from the President

being physically unable

to say something divisive

at a time like this.

And we've set our

standards for him so low

that merely being

forced to stay silent

will be acclaimed as

presidential, and rightfully so.

We got

more breaking news.

FEMA officials

are speaking to the press

about Randy,

the hurrica-Nazi.

We go there live.

Thanks,

Ted. The press conference hasn't begun

just yet, but

I've got credible...

Damn it, Chase!

All right. What now?

Let's check in with Mark Telfer.

He's in the heart

of the storm, right?

What? Oh, yeah.

He's dead. Ah!

It's times like this

I could really use the humor

of Mike Rotch.

More breaking

news, miracle of miracles,

Mama Wanda

is having twins.

Don't show it!

[ Gags ]

[ Vomiting ]

Put a cork

in it, Wanda. God!

Oh! Something else.

Okay? Here we go,

TFN has just

learned that police have surrounded the TFN Studios.

They released

the following statement.

"Ted Nelms, you are under arrest

for the shooting

of Robert Frammell.

Come out with your hands up."

[ Chuckles ] But

you know what I say?

Never! Hyah!

Peter Thrush, your thoughts?

[ Jazz

flute music plays ]

Thank you for those

soothing tones, Peter.

I really needed that.

We're getting word

Gail Claymore has an update.

Gail, whassuuuuuup

at the White House?

Ted, rescue

efforts are shutting down,

so first responders

can get home in time

to watch their favorite shows.

Gail, there appears to

be some activity behind you.

What's happening?

What's that?

Oh, my God!

Uh, the President

is climbing out of the well.

He's made it out

of the well and is...

Aah!

[ People screaming

in distance, static ]

Ladies and gentlemen, my

producers are telling me that,

that footage is cursed,

and anyone who watched it

will die in seven days.

And that's all the time we have.

Thanks for joining us.

Stay tuned for Lindsay

Tuhnite's show, "Lindsay Tuhnite Tonight."

Lindsay, what have you

got for us tonight?

Tonight, on "Lindsay

Tuhnite Tonight,"

we'll

talk to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

about

her stunning post-baby body.

Only 52 years after

her son was born,

and she's already ready

for swimsuit season.

Sounds like a great

show, Lindsay.

Thanks, Ted.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Great.

Cool.

All right. Ah-- Awesome.

-Yes. -What? Yeah.

-Indeed. -See you.

-Okay. -You got it.

-Copy that. -Mm-hmm.

-Yeah. -Sure.

-Thanks, Ted. -Uh-huh. See you.

-Okay. Great. -Ah-- What?

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