The Family Page #5

I'm Maggie.

Hey.

I confess I'm curious to taste a real

hamburger made by real Americans.

Well, hopefully, in less than ten

minutes, your wish will be fulfilled.

You're going to take that silverware

and put it back where you found it,

nice and easy, or else I'm gonna

break both your arms.

I'll be right there.

Excuse me. Sweetheart...

I want you to go find your father

and tell him

if he hasn't lit his barbecue

in the next five minutes,

I'll burn the f***ing house down.

- Excuse me.

- Sorry to interrupt.

Belle...

Everybody's waiting for you

to start the barbecue.

OK, yeah.

- You OK?

- Yeah.

Writing is intense.

I feel like I've been lookin' at myself

in a mirror all day.

- You gonna be OK?

- Yeah.

It's just, I was thinkin'

about you and your brother.

How I always didn't do the right thing

by both of you and...

...and I put you in a tricky situation...

...and I regret that.

Dad.

Dad, what are you talking about?

You're the best Dad

anybody could ever ask for.

- Really?

- F***, yeah.

Well, let's go party then.

- You OK, boys?

- Oh, yeah.

- Mag, you make the best pasta.

- Aw, thanks.

You give yourself

away with pasta like this.

Everybody'll realize

you're actual Italians.

I added a little cream

to throw the people off the scent.

That's not how you do it, Mr. Blake.

You put too much charcoal on too soon.

You know, this isn't the first time

I prepared a barbeque.

I build a wood fire. It takes longer,

but the quality is so much better.

Your charcoal isn't good quality.

You have to get it from Michel

on the north side of town.

- Or use very dry wood.

- You'll never get it started.

You should empty it out and start over.

It will be quicker.

Ah, Mr. Blake, one cannot possess

every talent,

the talent to write beautiful words,

and the talent to light fires.

Hey, Stan.

Stand me to a drink, Fred?

Yeah. Give a couple minutes

to get this baby rocked.

- I'll meet you at the bar.

- Take your time.

Gentlemen, in two minutes,

your burgers will be

sizzling and cooked to perfection.

Good crowd.

Congratulations, Fred.

It's a huge success.

Well, it's missing a... I don't know,

a certain je ne sais quoi.

No, you miss the social charm

of a bunch of wiseguys

sitting around in the shade. Huh?

Come on, Stan, Have some respect.

Those guys were my family.

Even if I snitched on them,

they were still my family

and those were the best years of my life.

- Whalberg asked about you.

- Yeah, Whalberg?

Nice to know he's concerned about me.

I hear he got himself elected

to the Senate?

It's always been his big dream.

He's even got a weekly meeting

at the White House.

Smart man. Great.

So, what did he want?

Oh, he just wants to know how you're...

What you're doing.

Mm. Yeah. Tell him I write.

I did. That's what bothers him.

Uh... He's got nothin' to worry about.

At this point, I've just got

a few pages down. It's all random stuff.

You intend to tell the whole story?

Stan, how could anybody

tell the whole story?

If I want people to believe me,

I gotta tone it down.

Otherwise they'll think

I made the whole f***ing thing up.

You want people to read it?

At this point, that would be pretentious.

OK, what's funny, Fred?

I haven't written a f***ing word yet

and all of a sudden,

I'm a famous writer at the White House.

Mm.

Thank you so much for coming.

These are homemade donuts.

- Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

- Au revoir.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

- Au revoir.

He didn't come?

Yeah, but he only said "maybe."

- He has an exam next week.

- Aw...

Listen, sweetie, I don't know the boy,

but you have to be a bit of a dork

to prefer math to a beautiful girl,

you know what I'm saying?

By the time I'm done with him, he

won't be able to count with his fingers.

That's the spirit.

- Hey, Maggie.

- Hey, Stan, thanks for coming.

Come on, help me clear up.

Oh, uh...

You knew Vinnie Vitale, right, Fred?

Silly me, he was one of your guys.

Anyway, Auggie Campania

ratted him out,

and the carnage when we went by

to pick him up, very sad.

Auggie gave us the whole clan.

We collared practically every one of

them and that's down to you, Freddy.

What do you mean, Stan?

You were the first one

to set a good example,

by snitching on your own family.

Now, everybody thinks you're poolside

someplace, tanning your ass off.

You are the best

advertisement we ever had.

Well, thanks for the party,

and we'll see you soon.

GIOVANNl:

Don't mention it.

F***.

Have you ever noticed

the number of things

Dad is capable of expressing

just with the word "f***"?

- Trying to say Dad's illiterate?

- No...

I mean,

he's a good ol' boy, so you know

he talks to be understood,

not just to sound good.

So, from him, a "f***" can mean,

"Holy sh*t,

what did I just get myself into."

Or, "Great pasta."

Or "I'm gonna get that guy for that."

So why does a guy like that

need to stay up all night writing

when he could already express

the entire range

of human emotions with a single word?

So, you see, as I told you,

the tests show the water is fine.

But my water comes out brown

when I turn on the faucet.

Perhaps your plumbing is a little bit

on the old side, quite simply.

Well, what about the sewage plant

I heard about.

It's almost brand new.

Go and see for yourself.

Mr. Blake, I know the mayor's office

is always a perfect scapegoat,

but for once, we didn't do anything.

Well, sometimes doing nothing

makes you just as guilty

as if you did a whole bunch of things.

Listen, Mr. Blake.

I have nothing against foreigners,

but you have only just come here.

Let us resolve our difficulties

in our own way.

True, it can drag on, but we

always find a solution in the end.

Well, Mr. Blake,

it was a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you too, Mr. Mayor.

This is really good.

You've really improved.

It's because I have a good teacher.

Perhaps, but soon,

you won't need him anymore.

So when do you take your exams again?

- Next week.

- And what happens if you pass?

Well, um, I guess,

I go to Paris and find a job.

OK, uh... Let's find you something

a bit tougher to do.

Here we go, a turbine problem.

The water is already brown

when it reaches us.

We are at the end of the chain.

So why does everybody

give us sh*t about this?

Why don't you go and see

who is really responsible?

I'd be happy to. Just give me

one clue and I promise you,

nobody will give you

a hard time after that.

Chemical fertilizers

turn the water brown.

Fertilizers?

And there are not 50 factories

producing fertilizers around here.

There's only one.

Sorry to bother you.

I know, Jesus,

that my family tries your patience.

But you know, deep down,

they're not bad people.

They just need you to guide them,

and I'm relying on you,

because I can't do it all on my own.

Amen.

Father, you gave me a start.

If there's one place you shouldn't

be frightened, it's in church.

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