The Fan

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Excited and anxious

I await my dream

To escape, applaud

And embrace my team

Opening day I always can trust

It's just for this high

That I crazily lust

Return of our hero

Does brighten the days

Just briefly, my troubles

Get lost in the haze

The grace from the field

Arouses the crowd

Reflects on the days

When I was quite proud

I'm more entranced

Than the average fan

I used to play, you see

And I know I still can

That time I drove the ball

With such loft

My exit atop shoulders

As they carried me off

This pastime and I

Just fade into one

Expanded upon

From father and son

My boy is young

And awkward for now

I just need the time

And can show him how

I really am quite close

Just a break away

From straightening things out

And being okay

I can help my team

To regain its glory

With just a little twist

To the same old story

Players say now

They play for themselves

This causes a burning

Within me that dwells

The fan is the one

Who pays for the game

Which bestows all the riches

And welcomed fame

The players will listen

But really don't hear

All the while just hiding

Behind an invisible tear

I grow tired now of all this greed

And chart a course to set things free

We got our first caller.

Is that Gil on the cellular?

Yes, sir, it sure is.

- What's that I hear in the background?

- That's my Giants watch.

- I'm late for work.

- Giants watch, great.

- What do you got for us, Gil?

- It's just I'm really psyched.

Opening day's tomorrow.

We're all psyched.

This is different. I've been waiting

a long time for this one.

- What are you waiting for?

- Bobby Rayburn. We got him.

- We're going all the way this year.

- What would you bet on that?

- I'd bet everything I own, that's for sure.

- I like this guy. You think Rayburn's...

...worth the 40 mil, huh?

-.310 lifetime batting average.

He's worth twice that,

three times that.

I bet he'd love to hear you say that.

Let's see if we can get him on the line.

- You're gonna get him on the line?

- "Yes. Hang on. Let's find Bobby."

When we come back, we will be

talking to Bobby Rayburn.

Great.

You got Bobby Rayburn

on the line yet?

Who the f*** does this

guy think he is?

- Three- time National League MVP?

- That allows him to f*** up my show?

- "Hello, I got Rayburn on the line."

- We got him!

And go.

Welcome back, we're here with the

hopes and dreams of all Giants fans.

Ex-Brave centre fielder

and league RBI champ...

... four of the last five years,

Local boy come home, Bobby Rayburn.

- How you doing, Bobby?

- Hey, Jewel, how you doing?

Good to be talking to you.

I want to tell you, I love your show.

- Thanks a lot.

- Bobby, this is Bernie...

A lot of fans are on the line

dying to talk to you.

But first, how does it feel

to be back in the Bay Area?

I'm telling you, it's great. I grew up

here. The Giants are my homies.

That's good to hear.

But let me ask you this:

You're famous for your

dedication to perfection.

You're one of the

hardest-working players.

Don't forget "good-looking."

But come on, now. Bobby, baby...

...do you honestly think you are worth

40 million simoleons?

He's one of the best ballplayers

in the league.

I'm glad you asked me. I don't like to

put a money value on a human being.

But I think I have given 100 percent

to every franchise I've played with.

Attaway, Bobby!

Thank you for not answering.

- Better retreat.

- She's a riot.

What about the fans? Won't all

this money raise their expectations?

I hope so. I consider myself a

baseball fan first and a player second.

And in the game of baseball,

it's all about the fans.

- You tell them, Bob.

- And the Juan Primo controversy?

Giants centre fielder since 1990.

You come in, bump him to the left.

Some people resent that.

- B*tch!

- I don't think Primo's one of them.

You know, he's a team player.

That makes him great.

I look forward to playing with him.

That's great, Bobby.

Let's get back to our callers. Gil?

- Yeah, am...? Am I on the air?

- Yes, you are, Gil.

Jewel, why do you

have to be so negative?

Come on, I'm a sweetheart.

The guy's making a lot of money.

Would you turn it down?

You'd be nuts to turn them down.

Why be down on Rayburn

because he's not nuts?

You got a point. I apologize.

- "Hey, Bobby, are you listening to me?"

- I sure am!

- Thanks for backing me up, man.

- No problem. It's a pleasure.

Just remember

where you heard it first.

I played the game.

I know what I'm talking about.

Grew up on the Giants.

My dad moved the family here

when the Giants moved here.

I watched you ever since

you hit the grand slam...

...against South Bay

in the '82 city championship.

That's when I saw you were somebody

special, and you never let me down.

When the two of you come together,

Rayburn and the Giants...

...that's like a magical conjunction,

like the alignment of the planets.

You're gonna bring us all the way.

Who said it first?

You did, Gil! You did!

- Attaway, Bobby!

- We hope so.

- Bobby, let's talk about your divorce.

- Christ, look.

I just got to the ballpark.

I'm really sorry, but I gotta go.

- Really enjoyed talking to you.

- Anytime, Bobby. Good luckout there.

We will be right back.

- I am so surprised he hung up.

- Thank you.

Giants haven't had a one- two punch

like this since Mays and McCovey.

Joining the list of bullshit excuses...

...we've had a lot of whining...

...about product quality from certain

members of our sales force.

Example:
The two Jima line.

Gil, do you see

any quality problems there?

Blade's too thin, pommel's too light,

and there's a half tang hidden in there.

Maybe that's why you're not selling.

Sweet.

Somebody made a mistake, man.

I wear number 11.

- I'm sorry. I didn't know.

- It's cool. Manny, just handle it.

Me? I think this knife's an asskicker.

This door, on the other hand,

comes off a foreign car.

Well, need I say more?

- Why are you guys still here?

- There's been a glitch, okay?

- I'm working on it.

- What's a "glitch"?

A detail that hasn't been worked out.

Permutation that happens in...

What? With my number?

- Yeah, with your number.

- No, no, no.

Manny, you know I wear number 11.

- Of course.

- So there shouldn't be any problem.

It is a problem. Primo wears 11.

Tickets in yet?

Tickets? What tickets?

- Opening day.

- You got other things to worry about.

I'll let you in on a little secret, Gil. You

came this close to kissing pavement.

- How about that close?

- Yeah.

Management had you on the list.

I talked them out of it.

Don't make me regret it.

- Thanks, master.

- Okay, f*** it.

I'm not playing with number 33.

You understand?

I know. Just be cool.

Let me take care of it.

Three times 11 is 33.

You may play three- times better.

Thanks. I'll talk to you in a minute.

Jesus was 33 when he died.

People still talk about him.

- Give me my number.

- Think about it, seriously.

Should I fire him?

I should fire him, huh?

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