The Fan Page #5

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Ladies and gentlemen,

with courtesy to the players...

... please refrain

from excessive noise...

... and throwing anything

onto the field. Thank you.

Forty-million-dollar man's

paying off, huh?

Now batting, number 33,

Bobby Rayburn.

Well, here it is, Memorial Day weekend.

You think back to the opening-day

grand slam, doesn't seem long ago.

But lately, Bobby Rayburn

has really had difficulties...

... and can't seem to find his strok e.

He lacks aggressiveness.

And you start to wonder

when you call it a slump.

Most superstars aren't gonna

sit down for you.

But you gotta wonder...

... when he's gonna

breakout of this thing.

Strike.

Come on, Bobby. Come on.

Out.

Now batting, number 46, Jimmy Lanz.

You'll be all right.

You still want that interview?

You'd let Bobby Rayburn do an

interview with a...? What was it?

- Castrating ball-buster.

- Castrating ball-buster, that's it.

- I thought I was off your list.

- Come on.

Schindler has a list, not me, okay?

When you're hitting.183,

you don't get to have a list.

Lock er room.

- "Giants' lock er room."

- Bobby Rayburn.

- "Yeah, who's calling?"

- A friend of his. I have to talk to him.

It's really important.

Rayburn, phone.

- Yeah, this is Bobby.

- "Bobby?"

- Yeah.

- Bobby Rayburn.

"Yes. Yes, who is this"?

Hello. Look, say something.

Hello?

Yo, Stook, I thought you were

supposed to screen my calls here.

- Burn, baby, burn.

- Come on, give me some.

- What's up, Dad? Gaining a little weight.

- Yeah, yeah, I am.

- Stopped by the doughnut spot.

- Cool. Is he for me?

Yeah, he's for you.

What's his name?

- He told me it's Bradley.

- What else did he say, Dr. Dolittle?

Dad, how come

you haven't been hitting?

How's the rib cage, Bobby?

My rib cage is sick

of people asking about it.

They say you should've

came out that first gam"e..."

...but you were hot-dogging,

so you screwed yourself.

That supposed to be a dis

or something? I hit.314 last season.

- That's bullshit.

- I'm telling you what people say.

I can put a positive spin on this.

- How?

- How? I'll tell you how.

We set up an interview,

get a piece out of it.

You tell the people why you stayed in.

It's for the kid in chemo.

You get public sympathy.

I smell forgiveness in the Bay Area.

- Is that exploiting the kid's death?

- Not comfortable with it?

- Should I be?

- I think you should be.

Well, I don't think I am.

Excuse me. I'll have a vodka

and orange juice, please.

And whatever the lady wants.

Jackon the rocks, thanks.

What?

Oh, sh*t. I did it again, didn't I?

No, it's okay.

I'm used to all of this interview sh*t.

Look, no offence intended,

but it's no secret...

...that you're playing like sh*t.

It's gotta be affecting you.

Of course it's affecting me.

I'm paid to produce.

I can't even hit the side of a barn.

- How do you think it makes me feel?

- Do you know what I think, Mr. Rayburn?

No, but I'm quite sure

you're gonna tell me.

I think the slump is a good thing.

Now, what kind of twisted sh*t is that?

It's gonna teach you

to cut yourself a little slack.

- You can't keep up this act forever.

- Now it's an act.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Perfect. Mr. No-Error.

Nobody can live up to that sh*t.

You gotta give yourself a break.

It's just a lie anyhow.

Yeah. It doesn't seem like a lie

when I'm hitting.

Now batting for the Giants,

number 11...

... the right fielder, Juan Primo.

Sit down, let Bobby bat!

He's a hot dog. He's lucky.

Now batting, number 11, Juan Primo.

Now batting, number 33,

Bobby Rayburn.

Let's play some f***ing ball!

Thanks, Primo.

F*** you, Rayburn.

- You suck.

- Bobby, Bobby.

You suck!

Don't listen to them, Bobby!

Okay.

Line drive to the right.

Don't tell me

where it's gonna go, Dad.

I wish we had a whole team

like him.

F***in' a**hole!

- Hey, Bobby.

- Hey, Nikki. The usual.

- Alrighty.

- Hey, Bob.

You guys wanna play pool?

- What a waste of space.

- What do you mean?

He hit a bad patch.

We all hit bad patches, don't we?

- You never hit a bad patch?

- No, this is my dream job.

- I'm gonna talk to him.

- Please, man.

These guys come to relax. You bug

them, they're gonna stop coming here.

I know him. I've talked to him

on the phone.

Hey, Bob.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure. You wanna talk to me?

- Maybe we can go someplace.

- Let me finish the game.

- Okay.

Primo, it's late, man. All right?

- Tell me what it is you want.

- I want nothing.

You don't understand

how things work here.

Because it's different

from where you come from.

What's different?

Look, when a player like me

comes into a team like this...

...hey, man, sh*t gets worked out.

Right? You don't...

What is the problem with that?

What kind of uniforms

do you have down there?

- Just uniforms.

- Like these p*ssy pants you're wearing?

- What...? What colour?

- Blue.

- What number is on the backof yours?

- Eleven.

Primo, what is your price?

No price. You already

had a chance, baby. Okay?

- What's your f***ing price?

- Go f*** yourself.

- Hey, don't walk away from me, man.

- F*** you.

Motherf***er. What?

- Break it up!

- Get off of him.

- I want my f***ing number, man.

- Chill out.

What are we talking about

Juan Primo for...

...when we've got Bobby Rayburn where

we want him, up close and exclusive.

Are you ready for your next caller?

- Let's get another caller.

- Bobby.

- You guys are getting a kickout of this.

- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about my season is like

a bad freeway accident.

And you guys, you're just

slowing down to watch.

I thought I'd enjoy this,

but the fact is, I feel for you.

I didn't know it'd be so rough.

Who we talking to? On the car phone,

we are talking to Gil.

Hey, is that our old buddy Gil?

Mr. Magical-Conjunction himself.

- Is this Jewel?

- You're on the air. Go ahead.

You're getting break-up

on the line here.

- I heard what you said about Primo.

- What's your question for Bobby?

Is Bobby listening? Bobby?

Hey, Bob?

Yeah, Gil, I'm here, man.

How you doing?

I wanna tell you that I know exactly

what you're going through...

...more than you'll ever understand.

This number 11 thing is a f***ing joke.

You're the greatest player

this city's ever had...

...and you got some hot-dogger

like Primo...

...giving you a hard time

about your number.

There's a reason

you're paid 40 million.

The owners aren't doing

what they should be.

They should be protecting

their investment.

Pay him. Give him what he wants.

If he wants a million, give it to him.

If he doesn't want it and doesn't want

to give up his number, f*** him.

Get him out. What's the difference?

Just get you hitting again.

- Lf that's what it's gonna take.

- They say fans don't know...

...what they're talking about. The public

and the owners should listen to you.

Bobby, why isn't this guy

on your payroll?

Thanks, Gil. Maybe I should have you

try and talk some sense into Primo.

God knows I need

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