The Final Girls Page #2

a popcorn

and then we can

dump M&M'S into it.

That way, every handful is,

like, kind of suspenseful?

Sure.

Hey, Chris, I'm just

gonna have a Diet Coke

and a child-size

popcorn,

but make sure to

dump half of it

into the garbage.

You remember, right?

You know what,

I'm just going

to come with you.

She is the worst.

She's like a

living nightmare.

I can't believe

you used to be

friends with her.

Look, she's probably

gonna pee on him

just to mark

her territory.

Gertie!

Max!

Hey, hey, you came.

Oh, God.

All hail, Max!

Sorry, I don't know why

I worshipped you then,

I'm just excited

to see you.

You're also really weird.

You're very strange and weird.

I can put you down

for the Q&A, right?

After the show,

do a little Q.

No.

And a little A

I'll put you down as a maybe.

Okay, glad you're here.

Oh!

All right.

Hey, guys, we're here!

Whoo!

Someone wake up

Sleeping Beauty back there.

Are we there yet?

You okay?

Yeah.

It all

happened so long ago.

Little Billy Murphy

went to camp here decades ago.

And he was always picked on

for being different, ugly.

And then one summer,

the hottest one on record,

the counselors decided

to play a little prank on him.

No one really knows

how Billy was

before it happened.

The counselors hated him,

and the other kids

bullied him mercilessly.

Stop! Go away!

Billy, open up.

I know

how to get him out.

Soak this moment in, babe,

because you're always

gonna remember me.

What does that tattoo mean?

It was given to me in juvie.

I was caught

stealing cherries.

I'm a... I'm a cherry thief.

Neat.

Oh.

Nice legs.

What time they open?

Kurt?

Kurt?

I'm going to

get some air.

The exits

are blocked!

Duncan, is there an exit

behind the screen?

Yes. Yes.

Come on!

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Max!

Oh, God!

What happened?

Where the hell

are we?

I don't know.

Did the theater burn down?

That was the scariest

thing I have ever seen.

You're alive!

Oh, thank God!

What does

poison ivy look like?

Because I think I got...

Help me.

Guys, somebody's coming.

Hey, do you guys know

the way to Camp Blue Finch?

Tina!

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

I'm having

a psychotic episode.

We all saw

the same thing, right?

Maybe it's a dream.

A collective dream.

If this is a dream,

then there's a very

strong chance

that my dad's going

to come up to us naked

and offer us

some pecan pie.

But don't take any.

It is not pecan pie.

Oh.

Maybe we're dead

and this is heaven.

This can't

be heaven.

Max is here

and she's Jewish.

Oh, right.

Well, maybe

it's Jewish heaven.

Look!

Hey, do you guys know

the way to Camp Blue Finch?

Uh, yeah.

Just keep going

the way you're going.

Oh, wow, okay.

Thanks so much.

We're not dead.

We're insane!

No, we're not.

And I don't think we're

in the Valley anymore.

Is anybody getting

any bars?

No.

Eight, seven...

...six, five...

Hey, do you guys know

the way to Camp Blue Finch?

Yeah, actually

we're counselors,

and we can show you

if you'd just give us a ride.

Oh, rad! Yeah, hop in.

Tubular!

Dude, what

are you doing?

Do we have a choice?

We're kind of stuck.

Let's go.

Max.

Come on, guys.

You guys coming?

I can't believe

you guys are counselors, too.

We've never had

this many before.

When the kids

get here next week,

they're gonna be

so pumped.

Hey, where are

you guys' suitcases?

Because, honestly,

your clothes,

they're disgusting.

Says the guy

in the crop top.

What's up?

Are you guys poor people?

Are you guys poor?

Uh, we packed

light. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

What did you

pack, Tina?

The basics, bikini,

mouthwash, diaphragm.

Hell, yeah,

you did.

'Cause they're

gonna get so naked.

How did you know?

Spring break,

forever.

Hey, guys, we're here!

Whoo!

Someone wake up

Sleeping Beauty back there.

Mmm.

Are we there yet?

Oh, hi!

I'm Nancy.

What's your name?

Max.

First time

away from home?

It's okay.

It's hard to be away

from your parents, huh?

Best summer ever!

Oh! Yes.

Whew.

Well, kiddo,

this is the summer

that's going to

change your life.

No kidding.

Hey, Nance,

that guitar is choice.

Thanks, Blake.

Bitching hair.

Ah.

Okay. So, we're

in the movie.

Uh-huh. How do we

get outta here?

Yeah, I like that question.

That's a really,

really good question.

Duncan, can you answer

that question, please?

What are you talking about?

It's 1986!

Our homes

don't exist yet.

They're probably just

landfills waiting to be

turned into

crappy subdivisions.

We don't exist yet.

I know for a fact my

parents haven't met

because I was

an unplanned child.

Anyone wanna help me

pick some strawberries?

No, but I'll

give you a hand

with those melons.

Talking about her b*obs!

You guys get me, right?

Yeah,

we do, brother.

Kurt is insatiable.

Um, okay,

so Mimi's in the woods,

that means everything

is right on schedule.

She hooks up

with that hiker.

But then she gets

killed, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Everyone who has sex

in this movie dies.

It's awesome.

I got into

bodybuilding big time.

Yeah. Oh, my God,

can I touch it?

Yeah, touch it.

Oh, wow.

The backside's

just as hard.

Touch the backside.

That's right. Everyone.

I'm with Gertie

on this one.

Let's just take

their van and bail.

What do we

have to lose?

Yeah, did I say that?

I did? Okay.

We actually probably

shouldn't talk to them.

Oh! What's up, funbags?

Funbags. Right.

Yay, feminism.

Listen, we need

to borrow your van

for a little while.

Is that okay? Yeah?

I don't know.

What's in it for me?

How about my friends

don't kick your ass?

Oh! This guy's

your friend?

Yeah, right.

You want to go?

No, no. God, no.

Bicep, smash.

And that would kill you.

That's a karate technique.

No, I don't.

I've never actually

fought anyone

before in my life.

Yeah, well, I have.

So many times.

Seven times.

Hey, this is so weird.

Do me a favor and just

zing me. Just get me.

Fine. How about

you go suck a turd?

The writing

is so bad.

Okay, tell you what.

You find the keys

and the van's yours.

Oops.

Really?

I'm glad

that you die.

- What?

- Nothing!

What she meant to say was,

that we all die eventually.

Technically, we start dying

the moment we're born.

Yeah, right.

Yes, but not

to overwhelm you...

Okay.

I liked you when you were

laughing at my jokes.

Now, I just think

you're weird.

Okay, let's just

go get the...

Sorry. Let's go

get the keys.

Oh, hey, you wanna

give me a hand?

Sure.

All right.

Let's rock and roll.

Oh, my God.

It really is you.

What?

Nothing.

Whoo!

All right!

Push-up time!

So, um...

Kurt told me he

wants to do it later.

Wow. Just like that?

I know!

And it's like, I can't

stay a virgin forever,

you know?

And he's been

with a lot of girls,

so he can

probably, like,

I don't know,

help me along.

You shouldn't have sex!

Why?

Because I heard

that sex can kill you.

Max. Sex isn't

anything to be afraid of.

I mean, Tina's already

done it twice today,

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes