The Final Girls Page #3

and look at her,

she's totally normal.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

She says the best

feeling in the world

is getting stoned and

doing it on a waterbed.

Don't hang around Tina.

No, but I told myself

that I was going to

lose my virginity

this summer.

Get drunk!

Not necessarily

in that order.

Please, just trust me.

You sound like my mom.

Right back at you.

Hello, hi.

Uh, we have to

go get everyone.

Let's go.

We will pick this up again.

Is that understood?

In the meantime,

just stay away from Kurt

and keep your shorts on.

Okay.

What

are you doing?

Dibs on the one

that looks like

Ricky Schroder.

Their hair's so flat.

It's making me sad.

That girl

with the freckles

is sort of cute.

You know,

none of them

are on the

counselors' roster.

Where did they come from?

We are never gonna

find these keys.

Not with that attitude,

we're not.

Though,

you are correct.

Let's go back. Now.

Shh.

It's happening.

We have

to warn her.

No. No.

Just think of them

as animals

on a nature

preserve, okay?

Our duty is

not to disrupt,

but to observe.

Oh!

Oh, gosh,

you startled me.

Sorry,

I'm looking for town.

So, I just go down

that path all the way?

A guy like you

can go anywhere he wants.

I can't believe

we're just gonna

casually watch

someone get murdered.

What is this, Detroit?

Mmm.

What is that noise?

It's Billy. He's coming.

Let's get out

of here then.

No, no. Stay, stay.

Did you hear something?

Baby, I didn't

hear a thing.

Give me a second.

Go over there. Get ready.

Okay! Where's the beef?

Come on, man!

I said, where's the...

Run!

Go, go, go, go!

Guys, guys,

wait, wait, wait.

Duncan!

What are you doing?

Duncan.

It's okay.

He won't hurt us.

He would've

killed me by now, okay?

I think it's because we're not

actually part of the movie,

he doesn't really

know what to do with us.

Isn't that right, Billy Boy?

Man, you are

big and scary.

I wonder if all this blood

is just corn syrup, you know?

Like these characters

are walking around

with just corn syrup

in their veins, you know?

Let's give it a shot here.

Oh, God.

No, that is, um...

That is not corn syrup.

That is...

Oh, God, that's blood.

All the more reason for us

to get the hell outta here.

No, no. Look,

everything in this world

is running

exactly on schedule.

Besides, to leave,

we probably have to wait

until the movie's over,

or something.

Well, when is that

going to happen?

Okay, look,

movies like this end

when the final girl

kills the main bad guy

and the credits roll.

It's actually

pretty sick in this one.

She kicks up the sword

and she kills him with

his own machete

- And Billy's like...

- It goes right through his hands.

Like...

- Head splits open. Pfft!

- Punches it.

Brain goes out...

Duncan!

Ugh.

Anyway, this smoking

hot girl called Paula,

she arrives in the next reel,

she's the final girl.

Oh, yeah, she is the only one

in this movie who doesn't die.

All we've got to do

is stick with her

and we're going to have

the best seats in the house.

Trust me, this last battle

will blow your minds.

- Okay, selfie time.

- Duncan!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I think I almost

just pissed my pants.

You did piss your pants.

What? No, I didn't.

Let's get

out of here!

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss

the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

This way!

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss

the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

What is happening?

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss

the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I don't think

Billy's the only problem.

It's the movie.

The movie won't

let us leave.

Come on, everyone.

Sing along!

Duncan is dead.

We have to warn them.

Please. They're morons.

I wanna know where

they keep the hardware

in this dump.

I want chainsaws and

I want big-ass knives,

and I want them now.

What am I gonna

tell our parents?

I don't want to

die here, guys.

Me neither.

There's got to be

a way to get home.

Did I miss

the Kumbaya circle?

Paula, you're

just in time

to start setting up

for the slumber party.

Yeah, we took a vote

and you get to share

my sleeping bag.

Thanks, Kurt.

But I'm saving myself

for someone who

doesn't have a needle dick.

Yeah right,

it's like

a hammer dick,

if anything.

It's a

sledgehammer.

Uh, who are they?

Oh, they're

the new counselors.

They're super nice.

We don't have new counselors.

Well, now we do.

All right, guys,

let's split up into

groups and get busy.

Whoo!

That's her.

That's Paula.

She's the

final girl, right?

She's the one

that kills Billy.

We just have to stay with her

till the end of the movie.

I'm sticking to that b*tch

like white on rice.

Okay. Now, we just have

to keep Billy away from us.

It's just

like Duncan said.

The moment

a top comes off,

Billy shows up.

Vicki, stick with

Paula and Tina.

Mmm-hmm.

Gertie, you take Blake.

Chris, take Kurt.

No, I want Chris

to stick with me.

No, we have to

cover everyone.

I'll stick with my mom.

You know that's

not your mom, right?

Vicki!

Don't defend her.

This delusional sh*t

is gonna get us all killed.

Ooh! Whoa!

Look at the

pair on her!

I would just

motorboat those

for hours.

Yeah, but look

at those articles,

I could read those

all night long.

What are you, a fag?

You don't like some

nice big hoots?

Hooting!

My dads are gay.

So, shut the hell up.

Yeah, right!

Gay guys can't have kids.

They're too busy

going to discos

and having sex

with each other.

It's actually

a pretty cool lifestyle.

Oh!

Hi.

Hey.

I really like your pin.

Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get yours?

My friends gave them to me.

Where'd you get yours?

Um, I made it, actually,

at this, like, prison

pen-pal convention thing.

Oh, that's awesome!

Yeah.

Hey, what's up

with this cassette?

There are no holes in it.

Give me that.

What are these?

No, no. Bad!

Not for you. Very bad!

It's too bad

all the girls

are so busted, huh?

The only way you or I

are going to get any

is with angel eyes

over there.

What? Are you nuts?

No, no, no. These girls

are slamming, my man.

And I am going

to do all of them.

Yum! By the way,

what's with you and Max?

Are you guys...

Are you guys having sex?

Because if not,

I wouldn't mind

bench pressing her

with my dumbbell.

Oh!

Listen, brah,

you're not bench pressing

anyone with your dumbbell.

If I so much

hear your dumbbell

took a Pilates class...

What?

...I'm gonna

cut it off.

I swiped a whole

case of this stuff

from my uncle

before coming.

I'm gonna need it

if I'm stuck here

for the summer

instead of souping up

this bitching firebird

I found in...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.

Where do they keep

the chainsaws here?

What?

We might want to

find out, right?

Where they keep them?

Because you never know

when you might

need a chainsaw.

Why do we need a chainsaw

for a slumber party?

I know what's going to

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