The First Turn-On

---

[music playing]

NARRATOR:
Ah, nature,

it's beautiful

and what better place to

enjoy it than a summer camp.

Welcome to Camp

Big Teepee, a place

where children come

year after year

to gain the experience that

only a summer camp can provide.

[clears throat] Experiences

that will last a lifetime.

Children will learn to

share-- to make friends--

they'll learn to swim and

acquire valuable skills

such as woodworking.

[evil laughter]

[scream]

Yes, Camp Big Teepee provides

the physical exercise that

enables young bodies to grow.

My chest grew a quarter

of an inch since last week.

NARRATOR:
And

everyone will learn

the value of determination

and self-restraint.

Could it be three days

without wetting my bed?

Three d-- two-- two days.

[laughter]

NARRATOR:
Yes,

campers will be guided

by the very

responsible counselors

who are always on the ball.

Dick.

And Jane.

Oh, Dick.

Why Jane.

Ah!

Oh, Dick.

See Spot run.

Oh, yes!

NARRATOR:
But most

important, children are

taught to appreciate nature.

Ah, the forest--

such a wondrous place.

Come campers, let us explore.

If we keep our

eyes and ears open,

we might just be

able to see some

of natures busy little creatures

in their natural habitat.

Now, listen

carefully, this region

abounds with many

of the furry animals

such as raccoon and beaver.

Watch your step.

The brush is thick here.

It's hard to see

where you're going.

Ah!

[screams]

NARRATOR:
Our story begins

on the last day of camp.

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER):

Attention campers--

like report for

totally grody mess hall

because it's the super-mom end

of the summer speech thing, OK?

Campers, it has been

a productive summer.

I know we've all come a

long way in six weeks.

We've had fun.

But we've matured.

Ah, phooey!

Now, don't forget

to tell mom and dad

what a terrific

time you've had so

that you can all come back next

year to be further enriched.

And we can all make more

money-- uh, friends.

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER):

Attention campers,

OK, like, go to your whoa, hey,

like assigned activities, OK?

Now follow me girls

and do exactly as I do.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

Girls-- do exactly as I

do. [frog sound] Ooh.

[scream]

[screams]

The morning activity

is nature again?

Oh, I hate nature!

Nature hunt?

I want to go shoot some hoops.

It's a nature hike.

And that means a lot of walking.

And I hope we're back

in time for lunch.

Oh, nature sucks and

so doe that nature

counselor, Miss Farmer.

Yeah.

OK, campers, today the main

emphasis of our nature walk

will deal with the

study of symbiosis.

Does anybody know

what that means?

Symbiosis?

Mitchell?

Huh?

Symbiosis-- uh, yeah.

My mother had that once.

But then she got some mouthwash.

Now it's all better, huh?

No.

No, Mitchell.

Mitch.

Hey, where'd you get that?

You want to get high?

Sure.

Hey, what are guys doing?

Hey, bug off, shithead.

Are you going to smoke that?

Yeah, bigshot, you want a hit?

Yeah, sure.

OK, great.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm always starved

after I smoke pot.

I have no food.

Oh, come on, Annie.

Let's ask Henry.

He's always got lots of food.

Hey, Henry, you want a hit?

Huh?

You want a hit?

No, don't hit me.

Don't hit me.

Please don't do that.

-No, no, no.

Do you want to smoke some grass?

Oh, sure

Let's continue our nature hike.

Let's see if we can find

some specific examples

of symbiotic relationships.

F*** this nature sh*t.

Let's go smoke the grass.

[music playing]

Hey, guys!

I've got the grass.

Come on.

Let's smoke it.

Follow me, guys.

I know just the place.

Hey, Henry, where are we going?

Come on.

It's right here.

I come here all the time.

Oh!

Yuck.

Watch out for the

rabbit sh*t, guys.

Hey, uh, Dan, you

got that lantern?

It's dark in there.

You go first.

Who me?

Yeah, come on.

Go ahead.

Come on, Danny.

Come on.

DANNY:
Why do I have to

go in the hole first?

MITCH:
Because douche

bags go in the hole first.

DANNY:
Are sure

it's safe in here?

Come on.

ANNIE:
Mitch, you behind me?

MITCH:
I'm right on your tail.

Come on, you guys, my

place is just around here.

Wow!

Oh, sh*t.

So do you guys want to

go by the onyx formation

that looks like popcorn?

Or the one that

looks like donuts?

Donuts.

Yeah, donuts.

[fart]

Henry, you farted

right in my face.

HENRY:
Sorry, cheese

sandwiches do that to me.

Oh, the giant grape.

Where is it?

Right here.

And for your

post-joint enjoyment,

I always keep a

little food here just

for these kind of emergencies.

Good going, Henry.

Mitchell, can you tell

me the name of that plant?

Mitchell?

Where's Mitchell?

Where's Annie?

Miss Farmer, I saw them

leave with a funny cigarette.

What?

Yeah.

Now, now, now, don't panic.

Now you children

stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Now, don't move.

Do you understand me?

Dont' move.

Yes, Miss Farmer.

Screw here, let's go.

[coughing]

DANNY:
Smooth stuff.

Hey, Danny, come over here

and take a hit of this.

DANNY:
Ouch!

The joint burned my tongue.

MITCH:
No, you idiot.

Smoke the other end.

Those a**holes, I knew

I couldn't trust them.

[sniffing]

Oh, sinsemilla.

Those kids have good taste.

Sh*t, if I can only

get my hands on them.

Is it imported?

You bet.

Well, I only smoke the best.

Well, it is the best.

OK, you guys.

Don't try to get

rid of the smell.

That's how I found you

in the first place.

I could smell it a mile away.

Danny Anderson!

I'm ashamed of you.

And you were nominated for

Most Improved Camper Award.

Why did you guys

leave the group?

I could get in a lot of

trouble because of you.

Well, what do you have

to say for yourselves?

Want a hit?

Oh, gee, thanks.

No, I don't smoke pot.

My body is a temple.

I would never put any

chemicals into it.

Yeah, except for maybe

your birth control pills.

Why do you guys want

to do this anyway?

I mean, you should

get high on nature.

Just look at the beauty

and symmetry of this cave.

This cave is a perfect

example of the changing

state of nature.

Just look at the way

that still stalactite

delicately clings to the roof

of this cavernous orifice.

The slightest movement or

sound could offset that balance

and create an upheaval that

is probably how this cave

was created in the first place.

[screams] It's a spider!

It's a spider!

It's OK.

It's OK.

Huh?

[rumbling sound]

Ah!

See what your

screaming has done?

What?

Are you trying to kill us?

It's not Annie'sfault. It's just

a demonstration of nature in

an ever-changing state of flux.

Oh, f*** the flux.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

Don't panic.

The slightest sound

could cause a cave-in.

Now let's move very

slowly out of the cave.

Go ahead, Mitchell.

No, no, no.

Ladies first.

You go first.

OK, now remember

don't make a sound.

Shh!

[fart]

Oh, sh*t!

Ah!

[screams]

If I told you once, I told

you a thousand times, Butch.

You've got to water

down the milk.

This milk bill is killing me.

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