The First Turn-On Page #2

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And another thing,

you've got to double dose

the salt

peter in the bug juice.

These kids are getting

a little bit too frisky.

Loose joints!

Loose joints!

Nickle bags-- come on,

loose, I got it all.

You don't got a date to

take to the boathouse?

My friend-- she'll

take good care of you.

There you go.

Come on, guys.

I got to go.

You got some petroleum

jelly for your girlfriend.

I got it.

I got a bong.

I got it all, guys.

Is everybody OK?

Danny?

The whole f***ing thing

caved in on us, a**hole.

I'm sorry guys.

I guess I shouldn't have had

that other cheese sandwich.

Yeah.

All right, listen, don't worry.

I'll get us out of here.

All right?

All right.

MISS FARMER:
My head.

Holy sh*t!

MISS FARMER:
I'll never be ready

for the end-of-season banquet.

HENRY:
Oh, yeah, the banquet.

And they're having

chocolate pudding.

Come on, Mitch.

You can get us out of here.

I know you can.

Damn, these f***ing rocks.

Ah!

There's no way.

There's no f***ing way.

There's thousands

of rocks back there.

Now what are we going

to do Miss Know-it-All.

Well, don't panic.

Well, let's look on

the positive side.

We still have light

and half a joint.

Half a joint.

And let's see, who

knows we're here.

My campers!

They're still back on

the trail waiting for me.

They are bound to come

and get us in no time.

Ahh!

Oh, boy, what a relief.

Hey, Clem, what's that

guy doing by our fence?

So hard to find a good

piss pole these days.

And this one is a beauty.

Hey, it looks like he's

breaking into our chicken coop.

What a relief.

Oh, my back teeth were floating.

My teeth were just

going to fall right out.

They were just floating.

Oh, thank goodness

I found this pole.

I thought it--

OK, buster, put up your hands

and turn around real slow.

Well, wait, wait, wait.

Shutup!

Put up your hands and

turn around real slow.

Well, OK.

Oh, don't hurt me.

Huh?

These water bills

are killing me.

Now, I told you I

wanted three campers

to pee before each flush.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

Lebotomy, what

are you doing back

so soon from the nature hunt?

Danny Anderson.

Mitch, Annie, and

Henry-- funny cigarettes.

Frogs!

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, they're lost.

And they're not coming back.

Merriam, check on his story.

We've got to find those kids.

Some of them haven't

paid their bill yet.

What time is it, Miss Farmer?

Leave me alone.

Oh, excuse me.

What's the matter with you?

You've never been

touched by a man before?

Scared I might turn you on?

Big shot.

I am sick of yours

notty comments.

I have been touched by more men

than you could even imagine.

I bet you wouldn't even

know what to do if I

really let you touch me anyway.

Yeah, I bet you never even

have gotten laid, Stub.

Hey, listen, I wouldn't want

to bore you with the details.

Besides, you wouldn't

understand half of it anyway.

And don't call me Stub.

My name is Stud.

OK Stub, why don't you tell

us about your sexual conquests?

Yeah.

I don't want to

talk about this.

The act of sexual intercourse--

the coupling of two organisms

is the most important

and obviously essential

when in the life

cycle of the species.

What the hell did she just say?

She's trying to tell us she

never bobbed on a man before.

How about it, nature counselor?

I bet you're the world's

first 22-year-old virgin.

Yeah, when did Miss Nature

Teacher get her cherry

[popping sound] popped.

Aren't we all charming today?

OK, Stub, you're

going to enlighten us

on your vast sexual experience.

OK.

OK, all right.

I'll tell you all about

the first time I got laid.

Hmm?

Under one condition.

Yeah?

That you all tell me about

the first time you got laid.

What's the matter?

You've all done it haven't you?

Of course.

DANNY:
What do you take us for?

Hey, Henry, we got a

virgin in the group?

Nah.

I always get f***ed.

ANNIE:
Come on,

Mitch, you start off.

The first time I got lad, hmm,

sh*t, there's been so many.

Ah, I remember.

It all started when I had a

fight with my chick, Kathy.

I took here to Inspiration

Point, a nice secluded place

where I knew we

could be all alone.

Then I started to put these

major league moves on her.

Oh, is that bubble

gum I taste?

No, I just have this

terrible sinus congestion.

Ah.

Kathy, if you could just--

Stud, we've only

been going out a week.

Oh, I know.

It's been a good week too.

Just like--

I really don't want to.

Yeah, yeah, just-- just-- yeah.

Just--

MITCH (VOICEOVER):

As usual, the chick

had her hands all over me.

I had to fight her away.

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Ahhh!

Jesus Christ!

What is this sticky

sh*t all over my dress?

You pig!

I hope this doesn't

get me pregnant.

MITCH (VOICEOVER): But I knew

it couldn't last forever.

So I hit the road.

Oh!

JESS:
Pig, get out of here.

A**hole!

You weenie.

Excuse me.

I decided to go while

the going was good.

I don't like chicks

who get stuck on me.

Oooh.

MITCH (VOICEOVER): So I

decided to thumb a ride.

People always took an

instant liking to me.

All I had to dow

as flex my biceps.

And it was easy as

f***ing a tomato.

A real cute chick picked me up.

I could tell she was a

real nice clean cut girl.

She wasn't like Kathy at all.

She was mature.

What's your name?

My name is Mitch.

But friends call

me Stub-- ah, Stud.

Stud?

Why is that?

It's a long line of women

who can tell you why.

Are you always

so shy and modest?

Only with breasts--

uh, girls I like.

Ah.

Does that mean you like me?

Well, you sure

are kind of cute.

I really like the preppy look.

Gee, thanks a lot, you know?

I don't get too compliments

in my line of work.

What's your line of work?

I mean, you can't

tell what I do?

MITCH:
Not really.

Hey, Stud-- into the road.

You never did tell

me what you did.

Uh, I'm a hooker, you know?

A real, live call girl.

Bullshit.

Would I lie about

something like that?

No, I guess not.

Why don't you come

over for a drink?

I'm sure you can find the time.

Well, yeah, I guess

I could do that.

Where do you live?

(VOICEOVER) I finally hit

the jackpot with this chick.

But I didn't want to

screw up this opportunity.

So I decided to

bring my friend Jeff

along because he

read all the books

and how to score with the women.

This is it.

Mitch, don't worry

about a thing, OK?

Just run the order past

me one more time now.

OK, OK.

First, body hygiene.

Oh, Mitch, no.

Oh, come on, Jeff.

Now, how many times

have I got to tell you?

One, you blow in her ear.

That drives them wild.

Two, body hygiene--

OK, some guys

like for a guy to spend

some time in the bathroom

before indulging

in such activities.

Three, moan and groan--

it drives them wild.

Four, get them nice and wet.

And five, zingo!

Zingo!

Zingo.

Now, if all else fails, take

my words of wisdom for advice.

OK.

When in doubt, whip it out.

OK.

That's it.

Come on.

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