The First Turn-On Page #3

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Let's get going.

[popping sounds]

MITCH (VOICEOVER):

Jeff was a real pro.

He started the evening

off with rule number one.

He blew in her ear.

Well, here I am, Babe,

all six inches of me.

Who is this?

Who me?

Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm here to give

you some hot action.

Well, Mitch I'm first.

Make yourself

comfortable because this

is going to take a while.

As for you sweetheart.

Tell me, what do we got?

Around the world?

Half and half French-Greek?

I know Greek is

usually a little extra.

Hey, maybe we can get

the two for one price.

Oh, hey, I know you

professional type girls.

You like to see the

cash first, right?

Hey, OK, I don't blame you.

I come prepared.

Don't worry.

Let's see if we've

got a one dollar, two

dollars, a three, four dollars.

How does that sound, sweetheart?

There's more where

this came from.

You know what I mean?

Well?

What did you say your name was?

Jeff?

JEFF:
Jeff.

You got it.-Come on in.

JEFF:
OK.

[turnstile sound]

I don't believe what I've done.

Look at this place.

This isn't the living

room of a hooker.

This is the living

room of a nice girl.

Excuse me for a moment please.

Yeah, really?

Holy sh*t!

What the hell was in that book?

Moans and groans-- a

body hygiene-- my notes.

"Blow in her ear, body

hygiene, moans and groans,

get her nice and wet, zingo."

OK, step number

two, body hygiene.

Oh, my god.

Whoo!

Oh, geez, champagne.

Oh, you brought me champagne.

OK, body hygiene.

"Moans and groans."

Moans and groans--

uh-- no, no.

Uh!

No, geez.

Oh!

Oh!

Yeah.

[moaning]

I got it now.

All I git to do is

take up my pants.

And I don't need

a book for that.

Oh, look at this --

horsd'oeuvres-- beautiful--

beautiful hors d'oeuvres.

And I brought that animal here.

That animal!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, if that animal.

If you touch her, I'll kill you!

You better be good to her.

God, what did I do?

What are you doing?

Oh!

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm a very, very excitable guy.

Oh!

It doesn't look very excited.

You know, you're right.

Wait one second.

"Step Four, gether nice and wet."

Ah, get her nice and wet.

I understand.

You girls can't do it

unless you're nice and wet.

Jeffy here is going to

get you nice and wet.

[screams] God, you a**hole!

[screams]

Sweetheart, I can't help.

I just followed the directions.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

[scream]

Mitch?

What the hell are you doing?

I did everything by the book.

A**hole!

[groaning]

This will show you

how to treat a lady.

Oh, Mitch, I went

with the book.

She's just frigid.That's all.

She's just frigid.

That broad is frigid.

I'm sorry I hit you.

I didn't know he

was going to duck.

Who cut off the lights?

Where am I?

I can't see.

Excuse me.I know what it is.

She's frigid, Mitch.

That's what she is.

She's frigid.

Oh, my balls.

[crash]

You'll never believe this.

But this is really

my first time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

It's just that you must

have been with thousands

and thousands of men.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Oh, you know what I

meant, Lucy, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

You don't have to

worry because I'm

going to teach you everything.

Everything?

Everything.

MITCH (VOICEOVER): Even

though it was my first time,

my instincts took over.

What do I do first?

Well, first why don't you

put your hand on my breast?

Like that.

[rubbery sound] Oh,

don't squeeze so hard.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Just very nicely.

[music playing]

Mitch, you're so hard.

And you're so big.

And you're so warm.

But if you would move down

just a little further,

it wouldn't be my belly button.

Oh, sorry.

OK, thank you.

Um, much better.

[music playing]

That's nice.

Oh, Lucy.

Oh.

Ahh.

Was that good enough for you?

Mitch, you were wonderful.

Lucy?

Yeah.

Did you-- you know--

Yeah, sometimes it takes

a little more for me to,

you know.

Well, what can I do?

What can I do?

[music playing]

Mitch, you're the best.

You're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Oh, god, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

And that's the way-- And

that's the way it happened.

Wow!

What a crock of sh*t.

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER): Like,

attention, is this thing on?

Well, attention campers--

like, go to the mess hall

for a truly cool assembly.

OK, campers.

It has been our tradition

here at Camp Big Teepee.

As I've told your parents,

on the last day of camp

to always bring in our

nature appreciation film.

And you'd better like--

I'm sure you'll like it.

All right, Vinnie, come

on, come on, come on.

Stop washing the dishes.

Get out here and

start the damn movie.

Oh, OK.

Hit the lights.

NARRATOR:
The asbestos

and toxic waste

manufacturers of

America proudly present

"Nature:
Your Friend and Mine."

All over America

people are getting

into the good old outdoors in

appreciating their environment.

Let's take a trip

with the Platt family.

Mom and dad know

how important it

is to have the appropriate

vehicle for their outing

into the wilderness.

Dad decided to get the

economy-sized vehicle with all

the accessories-- a vehicle that

illustrates their understanding

of nature's delicate harmony.

Junior and sis have

been taught to respect

all the little

animals in the forest.

So remember, look, don't touch.

Dad teaches his family that

the woods belonged to everyone

and that there are many

people who come to the forest

to appreciate the bird life.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Look, a Kirtland warbler.

There are only about a hundred

of those left in the world.

They are almost instinct.

Come on, son.

Let's blow it out of the sky.

[gunfire]

NARRATOR:
This film

has been brought

to you by the Asbestos and Toxic

Waste Manufacturers of America.

Isn't that great?

Isn't that great?

I told you we would have

some entertainment today.

Let's hear it from you.

I'm sure you got a

great story to tell.

It's none of your business.

Danny Anderson, you promised.

Well-- let Henry go first.

Yeah, come on, Henry.

Oh, well, sure.

I mean, with me, it

was never any problem.

If I wanted a date, all I

ever had to do was reach over,

pick up the phone,

and no problem.

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