The First Turn-On Page #4

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underneath that blanket

and dial 888-6969,

yes, 888-6969 where

our operators are standing by

to answer your call personally.

Void in Oklahoma, Wisconsin,

and wherever prohibited by law.

Now those, of course, were just

some of my more casual dates.

But the first time it never

really happened for me

was on Halloween night.

This year, I decided to be

different and go as a ghost.

Boo!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, wow!

Mom makes the best Halloween

costumes of anybody.

Hey, if I'm going to be

eating all that candy tonight,

I better get something

solid in my stomach.

Yeah, I need a pizza.

[scream]

(VOICEOVER) There one slight

problem with my costume though.

Mom forgot to cut a

hole for my mouth.

When I tried to take off my

hood, the zipper got stuck.

No matter how hard I struggled,

I couldn't get the hood off.

I didn't panic.

I just got a pizza to go.

But my hood got turned around.

And I could hardly

see where I was going.

That's my man, b*tch.

HENRY (VOICEOVER):

I usually walked

across the school parking lot.

But there was a bunch of

real naughty kids there.

So I decided to avoid the

mand cut across the field.

It's lucky I did because

these kids were real bad.

Give me some money, blondie.

HENRY:
I knew they'd

start trouble.

I don't know what

you want from me.

Money.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Hey!

Get that b*tch.

Get that b*tch, man.

Ha!

Ha!

Ron, is that your

purse she's carrying.

Yeah, that is my pink purse.

Hey, man, you can't let

her take your purse, man.

It got your lipstick in it.

She must have stole it from me.

Oh, please don't hurt me.

Please.

Come on.

Let's kill the

b*tch, man, come on.

Arrgh!

Eeeyah!

Oh!

Ahhh!

Eehyah!

Where is it?

Oh!

Eeyah!

I'm done with the nice guy now.

That's right.

Hit her.

Who turned out the lights?

Hey, man, check

this sh*t out, man.

It must be a Ku Klux Klan

meeting somewhere , man.

Hey, let's give them a real

Batman's welcome to the KKK.

Hey, what's going on here?

You in the wrong place, fool.

You're going to die, man.

Hey, what's going on here?

Whoa!

Eeyah!

Hey, ouch!

Ah!

All right, man.

That's what you get, yeah.

Yeah, man.

Let's go, man.

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't hit me.

Don't hit me.

No, no, that's all right.

They're gone.

Oh.

Oh, you poor thing.

Are you OK?

No, you came

along just in time.

Those guys had knives.

Knives?

It was smart of you

to put on that costume

to scare them away, yeah.

My costume?

Oh, this was just a coinc--

oh, yeah,

I mean, I guess I was

pretty convincing, huh?

Well, I guess I got to go.

Wait a minute.

I don't even know who you are.

I don't even know your name.

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

You just saved my life.

My name is Henry

Putz-- goodbye.

Henry, I don't know if I

should be asking you this.

But do you think you

could walk me home.

I'm still kind of shaken up.

Sure.

Well, there goes my dinner.

That's OK.

I'll get you something

to eat at my house.

HENRY (VOICEOVER): Little

did I know that I just saved

the life of Barbara

Billington, the richest,

most beautiful,

most sophisticated

teenage nymphomaniac in town.

Wow!

Nice house.

Oh, thanks.

Personally I think

it's a bit too big.

But you see, when daddy died, he

left mom and me a lot of money.

So we moved from Akron

and bought this place.

Yeah?

HENRY:
My uncle

comes from Akron.

So, Henry, let me take

a look at wound for you.

Oh, no, it's OK.

Oh, Henry, it's a good

thing I'm looking at this.

If you had gotten some of

that cheese into the cut,

you could have gotten

mozzarella poisoning.

Mozzarella poisoning?

So, Henry, take

off the costume.

Let me look at it for you.

Oh, no, it'll be OK.

Henry, just let me take a look.

No, no, no.

It'll be OK.

What's the matter with you?

Well, it's just that I'm

kind of uptight about by body.

I mean, my tits are bigger

than any girls I ever met.

Oh, Henry, don't

say things like that.

Why are you being

so nice to me?

Most girls usually

won't even talk to me.

And when they do, it's

just to put me down.

BARBARA:
I think you're

a nice guy, Henry.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Most girls usually won't

even give me the time of day.

And when they do,

that's always wrong.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, after all, it

is my own fault, I mean,

because I am this big, fat oaf.

Stop it, Henry.

I mean, all the guys

that I go out with

are just self-centere

degotistical maniacs.

They just want to score so

they can brag to their friends.

You're very different.

Yeah?

Hmm.

Are those Dunkin' Donuts?

I thought they might

be your favorite.

HENRY (VOICEOVER): One

donut led to another.

We just couldn't stop ourselves.

And I guess weboth lost control.

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Henry, you are so good.

You must be so experienced.

Oh, Henry, am I

good enough for you?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Henry.

Really, Henry, tell me.

Am I good enough?

Oh!

I don't think it could

get any better than this.

Want to bet?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, ahh.

Ahh!

[scream]

Oh, I don't care what you do.

Just get that thing off of me.

I've got enough hair down there.

I don't need that

hairy thing there.

Now get it off of me now!

Now, she won't hurt you

if you don't hurt her.

She's only trying to

protect her young.

What about my young?

Now, calm down, Henry,

don't excite yourself.

I'll handle this.

Yaaaah!

[screaming]

Yaaah!

Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

MITCH:
Wow, nice forehand.

Now campers, I hate to have

to punish you in this way.

But no matter what I do, I can't

get you do arts and crafts.

So I brought something that I

think will keep you interested.

Now, this is going to

be a sculpture class.

You each have your

own individual wads

of clay in front of you.

And I would like you

all to get to work.

Now, get to work.

What are we supposed

to make a sculpture of?

Yeah.

Calm down.

I'd like you all make

a sculpture of this.

Doh!

Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

No, cuts.

I've been waiting

since yesterday.

I gave up baseball for

this, for Christ's sake.

It's my turn, broads.

Get out of the way.

It's my turn.

I'm sure Mr. Zitzler

has the state police

out looking for us by now.

Mr. Zitzler.

What do you want?

Can't just see I'm busy, Stinky.

Well, here are the

magazines you ordered.

Thanks Mr. Zitzler.

Oh, the kids that got

lost in the nature walk.

They still can't find them.

So keep looking.

Full house.

Mr. Zitzler, my frog is sick.

You get away from

here, you creep.

Mr. Zitzler is not

eating his cocoa crispies.

Get!

You see what I havet

to put up with?

Well, we're not

too low on food.

But we just ran out of water.

I'm sure the whole camp must

be looking for us by now.

Listen up-- listen

up Big Teepeers,

we've got a little problem.

Four campers and Michelle

Farmer, your nature counselor,

are lost.

Now, you all know that

here at Camp Big Teepee,

we all like to consider

ourselves a big, happy family

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