The Fixer Uppers

STAN AND HARDY:

IN:

THE FIXER UPPERS

Good morning, sir.

We're taking orders for Christmas cards.

I designed them myself

and my partner Mr. Laurel

wrote the beautiful verse.

- Swell.

- May I read you one?

- Read 'em.

- Thank you, sir.

"Twas Christmas Day in the poor house

"And the boys were feeling blue

"The boys in grey were fighting

"A merry Christmas to you"

And a happy New Year to you.

We have one here especially for the ladies.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells

coming through the rye

"I wish you a merry Christmas

even as you and I"

You took the very words out of my mouth.

- What's the matter with it?

- No cinnamon!

Ask if he's got a mother.

That generally gets them.

You ask him.

Did you ever have a mother?

Now you hit me.

That's fine. We have one here

dedicated to mothers.

- May I read it to you?

- Read it.

"Merry Christmas, Mother

"Merry Christmas, Ma

"Hi, Mommy-mommy

"and a hot cha-cha"

A beautiful thought.

I'll take one.

Come in.

Good morning, madam.

- What is your business?

- We're taking orders for Christmas cards.

- May we show you our display?

- No, thanks. I'm not interested.

Ask her if she's got a husband.

That gets them.

Pardon the presumption

but you have a husband, of course?

- Yes.

- Now you're right up our alley!

We have one here which I think

is one of Stanley's tenderest thoughts.

Listen to this.

"A merry Christmas, husband,

happy New Year's nigh

"I wish you Easter greetings,

hooray for the Fourth of July"

We call that our four-in-one card.

You can use it all the year round.

No, thanks. I'm still not interested.

Crying?

Did we say something to upset you?

- No.

- Well, what are you crying for?

Oh... you wouldn't be

interested in my troubles.

Why, on the contrary.

I know exactly how you feel.

If you wish to confide in me,

I will leave no stone unturned

to lighten your burden.

Won't you tell me?

Did someone hurt your feelings?

Is it another man?

Did you lose your job?

So you won't talk, huh?

- Did you lose something?

- Yes.

I'm afraid I've lost my husband's affections.

Oh, he still loves me but he doesn't give me

the thoughtful attentions he used to.

If there was just some way

I could bring him to his senses,

make him realise his neglect of me.

You know what? I knew a woman once

that had a case just like yours

but you know what she did?

She got a fella to make love to her

in front of her husband

and it made the husband jealous.

- Then what happened?

- Well... Eh?

- So what?

- Well, when the husband got jealous

his wife knew that he was in love with her

just because he was jealous.

If he hadn't have been jealous,

he wouldn't have paid any attention

to the fella that made him jealous, see?

What'd the husband do?

Go out and shoot the other fella?

No. When the husband found out

he was so pleased that he was jealous,

he took his wife and kissed her

and they went out again

and got married all over

and then he kissed her again...

Just a minute.

What happened to the other fellow?

When the husband found out

he was jealous,

he was so pleased

that the fella had made him jealous

he gave the fella a lot of money

because he'd made him jealous

and they all lived happy ever after.

That's a splendid idea.

Why don't you do that?

I think I will. Will you help me?

- I'm sorry, I can't...

- Oh, please do.

And I'll give you $50.

$50?

Will it take long

to make your husband jealous?

- Not more than a day.

- That's a lot of money for one day.

You can do it cheaper by the week.

Please help me! It means so much to me.

Pardon me just a minute.

Tell me again what happened to the fella

that made love to the wife.

When the husband found out

the fella was jealous...

he took him in his arms

and then he gave his wife a lot of money

and then he kissed the other fella

because he made him jealous

and they went out...

then they all lived happy ever after.

Madam, I am at your service.

Oh, a thousand thanks.

Well, what would you suggest?

This is a little bit out of my line.

- I have it!

- What?

If my husband saw you kissing me...

like he kissed me the first time we met,

I'm sure that would make him jealous.

- How did he kiss you?

- I'll show you.

He had his arms around me like that.

And I put my arms around him.

Like this.

We pressed tightly together.

Then his lips met mine.

Now, when you hear my husband coming,

that's all you have to do.

- Now look what you've done.

- She started it.

Get me a glass of water.

Don't bother me.

- You looking for somebody?

- Yes.

I'm looking for the viper

that destroyed the sanctity of my home.

- Pierre, are you jealous?

- Certainly I'm jealous!

Pierre, I'm so happy!

Now I know you love me.

- Away, you snake in the grass!

- Let me explain...

- There's nothing to explain. I know it all.

- Don't be foolish.

- This gentleman means nothing to me.

- Not a thing!

I'll find out. If I divorce her,

will you marry her

and take care of her the rest of her life?

- Why, no, sir.

- No. Just as I thought.

- What's that for?

- It means that at 12 o'clock tonight,

here in this room,

we will meet in mortal combat.

A duel to the death.

- You're making a terrible mistake.

- A mistake, huh?

Do you realise what you're doing?

You, the best shot in all Paris?

It'll be murder! They'll hang you!

- What do I care?

- Pierre, please, be reasonable.

Why, er... This gentleman

can explain everything.

I remember a fella once

that had a jealous wife...

Scram! You go to your room.

Just a moment.

Don't you fail to be here

tonight at 12 o'clock...

...or I'll track you

to the end of the world.

- I won't, sir.

- Now I'll trouble you for your card.

- Card?

- Yes!

It is the custom of my country

to exchange cards after a challenge.

Have you got a card?

- Thank you.

- Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye.

ARTISTS CAFE:

- Two beers. What'll you have?

- I'll have two beers, too.

- Just two beers.

- Yes, sir.

Well, you put me in

a nice spot, didn't you?

What a nice little fixer upper you are.

You knew a woman once!

- Haven't you done enough to me?

- I couldn't help it.

Isn't it bad enough that

I'm going to be shot at midnight

without you making

my last few hours miserable?

You know what? If you don't show up,

he won't be able to shoot you.

Didn't you hear him say

he'd track me to the end of the earth?

Oh, he's full of baloney.

You're just the same sometimes.

Shoot you! Ha! How can he shoot you

if he doesn't know where we are?

He doesn't know where we live.

He hasn't got the address.

Right! If he can't find me,

he can't shoot me.

Certainly.

Simple.

Why didn't you think of that before

instead of letting me worry?

Selfish.

You better phone him up

and tell him you won't be there.

- He might have something else to do.

- That's a good idea.

And I'll also give him a piece of my mind.

He can't trifle with a Hardy!

Hello?

- Is this Mr Pierre?

- Yes.

I'm the fella that you think

you're going to kill tonight.

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