The Flaw in the Alibi Page #2

---

Take your old boss, for example.

Perfect example.

Yes, he cheated on his wife they broke up

They got back together

they never been happier

When was that, about a year ago?

Yeah, How did you know that?

He just bought us lunch.

Been a client since January.

Are you ready?

I'll let you know.

You dare defy your emperor!

Robert? Lobby, two minutes.

And you might want to

put the jacket on.

Morning?

You ever consider a more traditional line of work?

Insurance? Sales?

Making money's easy.

Keeping yourself interested

is something else entirely.

OK here's the situation.

In a few seconds,

an angry wife is going to

steaming through that door

and raise Mary hell till

she finds her cheating husband.

Inside this is

a cheap knock-off necklace.

You can be anyone you want to be

for the next five minutes.

I need two thousand a week,

benefits and a month off

plus all the regular holidays.

We tend to work holidays,

we've got great dental

and I can go as high as 1,500.

What's going on here, Ray?

- Hey how ya doing there?

- One second, vision?

That comes with a co-pay.

OK, the objective

is to extricate him

from this situation

with his balls intact.

Ray...

Son of a b*tch...

- Holy sh*t.

- How could you!

I give you the best years of my life

and you go and throw it away

to have your sick sex with some whore.

I don't know who you think

you think you are, Mrs. Hatch,

but no one speaks to me like that.

I can't work like this, Mr. Hatch.

We are Rogette's jewelers,

not Bob's Big House of Diamonds.

Diamonds?

To my dearest on this special day.

Much love.

But why are you meeting here?

Our office is in New york, so

Mr. Hatch has been flying in

members of our team

to work on the design

Robert...

Do you like it?

Robert...

I think this concludes our business, Mr Hatch.

So if I want to examine some other items

from your catalogue,

how could we arrange that?

I can have a catalogue

forwarded to your hotel room in Fiji.

You didn't tell her?

Robert!

- We need to go to Rodeo Drive, Hannibal.

- Yes, Mrs. Hatch.

Mr. Hatch needs new swim togs.

And in the future,

I'd rather you didn't improvise travel arrangements.

I was in the moment.

I'll also need a cell phone.

And moment or not, you didn't

have to make it a private island.

We both know he had it coming.

Company car?

I guess anyone can get away

with anything these days.

No we don't alibi crimes,

I will not be an instrument

of recrimination or revenge.

- Beyond that...

- Beyond that?

It's all smoke and mirrors.

So how rich do people

have to be to hire us?

We give discounts to cops, plumbers,

hotel workers and teachers.

Nice to give something back

to the chronically under-paid.

If it makes you feel better,

sometimes our clients stray

but then they go back a little wiser

for the experience.

Anything else?

Overtime, dress code?

Yes, for both.

Do we have a deal?

If I'm there for more than a year,

I want profit sharing.

OK on one condition.

Don't slap the spouse.

Don't micromanage.

Profit sharing?

Perhaps that was a bit much.

But I was temporarily seduced

by her lavish penetrating, truly sublime

attention to detail.

You see my current line of work

is all about

planning for every conceivable contingency

Accounting for every detail.

Every nuance, and every possible mistake.

I know exactly where he is.

Why?

Because I commit the one unpardonable sin.

The one my old partner Jack

would never abide.

I'm forced, on a daily basis

to rely on the intelligence of others

Ten days, Ray.

Ten days I had sleep with my wife.

You got any idea how that is?

Break the rules, these thing happen.

By the way, you'll be

swapping the necklace

You gave her with a real one

in about two days.

I've already billed your account.

You realize I actually had to...

I shudder just thinking about it.

You could always leave her, Robert.

Hey I'd leave, I'd leave in a heartbeat,

it's no secret the money's

all from her family.

I leave, I'm ruined you know that.

We all have our crosses to bear, right?

Now, for our lesson in remedial cheating.

Those damned matches.

Stupid habit.

I just keep losing my lighters.

Nothing from your liaisons

goes in your pockets,

on your breath or on your skin.

Got it?

Robert? you've already met Lola.

My son's getting married next month.

Good girl from a good family.

But you know the Hatch men...

You know, we always have

a little something on the side

that my grandfather, my father, me

and now my kid, can you believe it?

Amazing.

So, where's he not supposed

to be going

and who's he not supposed

to be going with?

Ray, I'd appreciate it if you handled this yourself.

Robert, apart for

the odd emergency,

I do very little fieldwork

these days.

You're my last personal client.

Yeah but I was your first client.

Think of it as a wedding present

to my f***ing kid.

One you get to bill for.

After that, Lola takes care of me.

OK?

OK.

Don't let the Hatch thing bother you.

Some clients just prefer working with men.

So that man was your first client?

That man's libido paid the rent

for the first few months.

What? No start-up help

from the infamous Jack McCadden?

No.

He sounds like quite the character.

International man of intrigue.

Smart, handsome.

How long did you two date?

Okay, Jack is not a topic I care to discuss.

Bad break up?

Drop it.

Dropped.

She wants a friar to marry us.

A f***ing friar, like what am I, Robin Hood?

Look, don't get me wrong.

I love Sandy. I f***ing worship her.

Sh*t. "Til death do us part?'

Men aren't wired to be monogamous.

I'm sorry

You know, we gotta spread the seed.

Your father tells me

You want to go away for the weekend?

That's terrible, right? I'm a terrible person.

I don't know you, Wendell.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Alright, so this girl, do I tell you her name?

- No.

Alright, she wants to go to

a bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara.

Are Click and Clack going too?

What?

No dude. Just me and her.

OK. There's a brokers' convention

in San Francisco this weekend.

I'll book you a room

in San Francisco under your name

and reserve a flight

and a rental car.

OK.

Then I will book a room in Santa Barbara under my name

and give you a credit card to use while you're up there.

Friday, you go to Santa Barbara

and I go to San Francisco,

where I check into your room

and sign in at the convention.

I have dinner, make phone calls.

In short, you become me

and I become you.

Temporarily.

And when Sandy tries to call me?

We intercept all the calls.

If there's an emergency

I'll be contacted

and I will contact you.

Sh*t.

Dude, do you have a card?

I don't.

Anything else? No, I'm good.

Good.

Wendell.

In the future, don't make me do this

in front of your wife.

It's kind of tacky...

and it'll get you caught. Guaranteed.

It'd be easy for a man in my line of work

to become

cynical on the subject of relationships

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes