The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter

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I can't believe he did that.

Yeah. You know what, Carmen?

I'm done. I'm done with this.

You know what?

This is the last time

he pulls this on me,

'cause I'm not going

through this anymore.

I deserve so much better, right?

You're absolutely right.

I have to meet him.

Esther. Esther.

What?

You're still married.

Consider these bruises a divorce.

Esther, I'm gonna need you to push.

What the... Is that a cigar?

It's not lit. It's just

something I do for stress.

Hombre loco.

Why are you smoking a cigar, when you're

supposed to be delivering a baby?

That's the kind of stress

he's talking about, madam.

Have you been drinking?

If you want a sober white

doctor in this town,

it's going to cost you a fortune.

Ain't that the truth?

Man, that is going to be a big baby.

I just hope I can pull him

out before he pulls me in.

Is the father here?

Jesus!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, sorry. I was just

in the bathroom, man.

I just ate some spicy chimichangas.

- Oh. Okay.

- Oh, man.

It just burned like

you wouldn't believe.

I'm sure. Okay, I got to get to work.

- Yeah.

- All right, Gabrielito, come on.

- Hurry up and pick a movie.

- Okay, Mom.

Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

You got to have hair down

there to go in there.

Huh?

I already have hair.

Where's your mom?

She's over there

talking with some old man.

Some old man? Where's your dad?

I don't have a dad.

- Gabriel, hurry up.

- Okay, Mom.

I can't let you rent this, kid.

It's an R-rated movie.

Well, my mom said it's okay.

- Great. Ask her again.

- Fine with me.

Hey, Mom, can I rent this?

Yes. Hijo, hurry up. We got to go.

Okay, thanks. Told you.

After your movie's over,

I want you to clean up and

do your homework, okay?

- Okay, Mom.

- All right.

And remember what we talked about.

I want you to think about what

you want to be when you grow up.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- For real.

- For real.

All right. Give me a kiss.

- I love you.

- Me, too.

- Have a good day.

- You, too.

Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy!

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Gabriel Iglesias!

Fluffy! Fluffy!

Fluffy! Fluffy!

- Bay Area...

- Fluffy! Fluffy!

...I missed you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Section 215,

14, 13, 12,

11, 10,

nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, and one.

They can hear you.

Oh, my God! I must look

tiny up there?

Estchiquito. Estchiquito.

"He's so little, yeah."

Before I say anything else, you guys,

a big hand for Bay Area legend,

Mr. Chuy Gomez!

The first man to ever put me

on the radio in the Bay Area.

Thank you, Chuy.

And, of course,

another big round of applause

for my friend, the man,

the myth, the legend.

Give it up for Martin!

This is so cool how now

you guys recognize him.

You see him, and you're like,

"That's him. That has to be Martin."

Seriously, with that crazy hair,

the tattoos, the goatee,

you know exactly who it is.

Now in this building,

there was people freaking out

over by the merchandise table.

I saw this girl lose it. She ran

over to Martin, screaming.

And then started hugging him.

And then Martin looks at me.

He's like, "Dude"

I'm like, "Hey, she's not pressing

charges. Hug her back."

That's rare.

So then the girl turns around,

and she sees me, and she goes, "Hey!"

And then I was like, "Hey!"

And she was like,

"Can you take our picture?"

"Yeah, all right.

"So that's what that feels like.

Yeah, here we go."

I'm getting ready

to snap the picture,

and she's hugging Martin,

and she's like,

"I cannot wait to tell my

friends that I met Machete."

I lost it. I was like,

"Smile, 'Machete'!

"Smile, 'Machete'!"

He was so sad.

He was like, "Bro, she recognized me,

"but she thought I was someone else."

I said, "Hey, get over it. I was

Operation Repo for three years, okay?

"Just be thankful you

got recognized."

So let me tell you what's happened

since the last time we've been

here in the Bay, you guys.

By the way, I hope you

like our decorations here.

Oh, yeah.

Since the last time we've been here,

a couple of things have changed,

one of which is I am

officially down 100 pounds.

Yeah.

I know some of you here in the front

are looking at me right now like,

"Well, how big were you?"

I know. "Hercules, Hercules."

Yeah...

Anyways, you guys,

let me tell you what happened.

Basically I found our

I was a little sick.

I was diagnosed about two

years ago, type 2 diabetic.

Now, I maxed out at 445 pounds.

Yeah, that's way past fluffy, okay?

Let's be honest.

That's not even, "Damn!"

445 pounds, that's borderline

Discovery Channel fat.

That was like, "I couldn't

leave the house." Yeah?

"He wants to go to the movies."

It was really bad, you guys,

and so I was waking up every

morning with a 300-plus sugar level.

Now, anyone who knows anything

about diabetes, that is super high.

And you do that enough times,

and eventually...

"Clear."

It's so hard

To say goodbye

"They buried him in frosting.

"It was the sweetest funeral ever.

"Everyone got a cupcake.

It was the sh*t. It was so nice."

Im at the doctor's office,

you guys, and the doctor tells me.

He says, "Listen, Gabriel,

you're 445 pounds.

"Your weight is out of control.

"Your diabetes is out of control.

"You're 35 years old.

"You will not live another

two years. I guarantee it."

And I got very emotional, you know,

I was like, "Are you serious?"

He goes, "Two years tops."

And I was like, "But I just

started making money."

"Well, it's going to

be a nice funeral."

I was like, "What an ass."

So it took a lot for me to finally

start doing something about it,

'cause it's not like this is the

first time I tried to lose weight.

This has been happening

for a long time,

but somebody tells you you're

gonna die, you actually wake up.

So what it took was it took the

support of my friends, my family,

and, you know, especially I got to

give credit where credit is due.

Martin, you guys,

helped me out so much,

because he's always encouraging

me to go to the gym.

"Let's go work out, bro.

"Let's go do something."

And more importantly than,

"Let's go work out, " is,

you know, we're on the road

together 46 weeks out of the year,

so we eat together a lot,

and he's always watching what I eat,

and if he sees me

reaching for something

I shouldn't mess with, he checks me.

Especially breakfast.

That's my favorite meal.

I love breakfast.

And they always put us

at these nice hotels,

where they give us this

continental breakfast

with the buffet, and, you know,

if I'm eating eggs and bacon

and sausage, that's fine.

Yes, some of it's fattening,

but guess what.

No sugar.

If Martin sees me reaching for muffins

or waffles, he makes a scene.

He waits for me to get

about 15 feet away,

and he starts yelling

in front of all the

people at the restaurant.

Oh, yeah. He's still ghetto.

I don't care if it's a Ritz-Carlton.

Guess what? "Machete" is here.

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