The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #2

---

He starts yelling.

He waits for me to get 15 feet

away, and then he starts.

"Really, bro?

"You're going to put that

in your mouth, Fluffy?

"You know what that's

going to do to your body?

"Hey! Have some self-respect."

And he makes me cry at breakfast.

I'm sad. I'm like,

"I don't want the muffin.

"I don't want it.

I don't want the muffin.

"I'm not a little whore. I'm not.

"I'm not a little whore."

But, see, that is a real friend

who would check me and remind me,

"Hey, bro, get mad at me all you want.

I just want you to live."

And I got to respect that.

That's why I love

that dude, you know,

and, in turn, sometimes

I got to check Martin.

Yeah.

Believe me, you guys.

It goes both ways.

Sometimes I have to check him.

Not about his weight, but he

has his demons, too, you know.

Oh, believe that. Yes.

Sometimes there's limited space

at the hotels where we're staying at,

so sometimes we gotta

double up on a room.

And every now and then, Martin will

bring some random girl to the room

at 3:
00 in the morning, wakes me up.

I got to look at him

and say, "Really, bro?

"You're going to put

that in your mouth?

"Do you know what that's

going to do to your body?

"Hey! Have some self-re..."

He doesn't. He really doesn't, so...

So let me tell you guys.

I'm in the doctor's office,

and he tells me.

He says, "Listen, Gabriel,

obviously working out isn't cutting it.

"I have a friend who

specializes in gastric bypass,

"and I think it would

benefit you greatly

"to at least listen to what the

guy has to say. It couldn't hurt."

So he hands me a card.

The card says, "BH Surgical Center."

I make an appointment.

I show up to this place.

I get to the door.

The door doesn't say,

"BH Surgical Center."

It actually says,

"Center for the Morbidly Obese."

Yeah. That sh*t's not cure.

So I figure I'm there, I might as

well check it out, so I walk in.

I go over to the receptionist,

and I ask, "Um, right spot?"

And she was cool. She was like,

"Yes, sir, you're in

the right location."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Absolutely."

"Why does it say,

"Center for the Morbidly

Obese' on the door?"

"The doctors prefer it that way."

"Why don't you have

that on the card?"

"'Cause then you won't come in.

"First time?"

"Yeah, first time."

So she hands me a clipboard,

and she goes,

"Please take this clipboard,

and have a seat.

"They'll call you in a few minutes."

So I turn around, and I

sit down on this couch,

and I start filling

out the paperwork.

And it wasn't like insurance

forms and stuff like that.

It was actually more of

like a questionnaire.

They ask you a bunch of questions,

and you have to answer from one to 10

how unhealthy you think you are,

and it's not going good. It's not.

I'm like, "Uh, frigging eight,

eight, nine, nine, nine, nine,

"10, nine, nine, 10, nine,

"10,10,10,10,10,10,10."

And as I'm filling our the paperwork,

outside the door, I hear...

All of a sudden, the door opens up,

and this dude walks in...

I was like, "Oh, my God!

You're morbid."

Immediately, my score got better.

I'm like, "Shoot.

"I'm a four, four, three,

three, three, two, two, two,

"one, one, one, one,

one, one, one, one, one.

"I'm healthy by default."

He makes his way over

to the receptionist,

and she's like,

"Are you here for the 8:30?"

"Is this your first time here?"

"Because the doctors

prefer it that way."

"'Cause then you won't

come in. Oh, God!

"Take this clipboard,

and have a seat.

"They'll call you in a few minutes."

So he turns around,

and he looks at me and my sofa,

and he's like...

I swear it was like the opening

scene to the movie Pacific Rim.

He's like...

I was like...

"No! No one's sitting here!"

"Yeah. It's all you, bro."

He turns around,

and he lines himself

up with the sofa,

and he starts doing this

little shuffle backwards.

Now keep in mind I see this

coming towards me, right?

He's like...

All of a sudden,

the back of his knees

hit the edge of the couch,

and you hear the click.

And then free fall.

And he hit. And I was like, "Whoa!"

And at that moment,

they call me in, you know.

"Mr. Iglesias." "Hey, wish me luck."

So I walk into the office.

I'm greeted by a nurse.

The nurse is really nice.

In addition to being nice,

she's actually a fan,

which made it so much better for me.

She comes over, and she's like,

"Mr. Iglesias, this is such an honor.

"I'm such a huge fan.

"I am going to make this

as painless as possible.

"I have to weigh you."

I'm like, "You know what? I'm good.

I weighed myself at the house.

"I'm 445 pounds. I'm good."

"I have to confirm that."

And in my head, I'm like,

"Why would I make that up?"

You know what I mean?

Like, if you're 200 pounds

and you lie and say

you're 195, I get it,

but once you achieve

a certain level of...

It's pretty clear.

So I said, "Fine. Where's it at?"

"Excuse me?" "Where's it at?

Where's the scale?"

Because I want to

walk up to the scale,

so I can grab the stupid brick,

pick it up, slide it all the way

to the end, and put it down.

You know the scale I'm

talking about, right?

The one that has that heavy arm,

where you get on, and it's loud?

I call it the "Scale Nazi."

You get on, and

it's like, "Sieg Heil!"

She starts laughing.

She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,

you are so silly.

"Actually, our scale is industrial."

Any time someone uses

the word "industrial"

and you're in the sentence,

ho-ho, you messed up.

She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,

it's built directly into the floor.

"Stand on the little X."

I'm like, "Oh, my God! I'm a semi."

And then she gives me instructions.

She goes, "Yeah, Mr. Iglesias,

listen. Stand still.

"I'm going to press the

little button on the wall.

"It's going to make a sound,

"and then your weight is going

to appear in the little window."

And I'm like, "Make a sound?"

In my head, I'm like,

"I hope it's not, you know..."

So I'm bracing myself. I'm waiting.

I'm like... And as she presses

it and it was actually cute.

It was like a casino sound.

It was like...

"Hold on! My shoes!"

You're laughing.

It's three pounds, bro.

So then she walks me

into the doctor's office.

I sit down. Doctor walks in,

and we spoke for an hour.

In a nutshell, what he says is

that he wants to take my stomach,

which, in his opinion, is the

size of an NFL football,

and he wants to cut it and make

it the size of a hard-boiled egg.

Therefore, you only eat this much,

and you lose weight with time.

Problem with gastric bypass is that

if you don't stick to their

program religiously,

not only will you not lose weight,

you will gain weight,

and you'll have a series

of complications.

And then he asked,

"Do you travel a lot?"

I'm like, "I'm on the road

46 weeks out of the year."

He goes, "This is not

going to work for you."

I'm like, "I agree. I like two eggs."

I said, "Well, what should I do?"

He goes, "I don't know,

but this isn't going to work."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes